[EvilGiraffe]

My wife is fairly neurotic, having problems with anxiety, anger, self esteem etc. she becomes very uncomfortable when things don't go her way and demands that the world should be as she wishes it to be. She complains endlessly about everything. The problem I have is that trying to get her to challenge this unhelpful and unrealistic thinking (in a CBT or REBT manner) usually just annoys her. What she really likes is sympathy and confirmation of how awful everything is. I can play the sympathy role (and often do) but I feel that this is only helping to validate her unhelpful world view and ultimately is not useful to her -or us for that matter. Any thoughts are most welcome as I'm struggling to find an approach to help her help herself.

[sesame]

In having anxiety problems as well, my boyfriend never sympathized with me over things like you mention. If I did something that was tough for me that he knew about, afterwards he'd hug me and tell me that he was proud of me. That meant a lot.

At other times, he did the less polite thing of making fun of me and mocking me a bit. It pissed me off, but it helped me to come out of my shell a bit and realize how ridiculous I could be sometimes.

Also, just because something you do annoys her doesn't make it bad. Her being annoyed and uncomfortable isn't all that bad, either. How else will she change? I'd say to stick to letting her know the unrealistic aspects of things. Be realistic with her, but make note of her feelings and give her some space if things get too heavy. I'd say to avoid giving in unless you're sarcastically agreeing about how terrible everything is. Let her know that you're there for her, but you aren't going to let her drown in her own unrealistic negativity.

Originally Posted by sesame

In having anxiety problems as well, my boyfriend never sympathized with me over things like you mention. If I did something that was tough for me that he knew about, afterwards he'd hug me and tell me that he was proud of me. That meant a lot.

At other times, he did the less polite thing of making fun of me and mocking me a bit. It pissed me off, but it helped me to come out of my shell a bit and realize how ridiculous I could be sometimes.

Also, just because something you do annoys her doesn't make it bad. Her being annoyed and uncomfortable isn't all that bad, either. How else will she change? I'd say to stick to letting her know the unrealistic aspects of things. Be realistic with her, but make note of her feelings and give her some space if things get too heavy. I'd say to avoid giving in unless you're sarcastically agreeing about how terrible everything is. Let her know that you're there for her, but you aren't going to let her drown in her own unrealistic negativity.

I agree with Sesame that annoying her doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something wrong but by the same token, I don't know if I would go so far as being sarcastic or mocking. Not denying that it can work like it did with sesame but that's a tricky thing, some people might be helped, others might just become resentful of it. Unless you really know she'd understand your sarcasm, I'd stay away from that. Be realistic with her is a good thing though and try to get her grounded. I think offering your perspective without devaluing hers is a good way to offset her thoughts. What I mean is, I had a particularly negative spouse before and Im pretty positive most of the time. I would always listen, try to understand but then offer my thoughts and perspective of the thing she was so upset or negative about. For example, she might be upset about someone in her life and say some bad things assuming the other person is doing this or that -- you know, doing things in spite of her. I would probably offer that I think the other person may not even know she's been hurt, is being thoughtless but not necessarily intentionally, etc. Stuff like that. Even though we're apart now, she's always said I was her rock and able to pull her back to reality and she appreciated it. Still does. Being understanding doesn't necessarily mean being submissive and giving in to her negative perspectives or even agreeing that she's right. You can understand her by being in her shoes in your mind, and really think about what she's thinking and how she feels and why she feels that way. People can tell if you truly understand and if you're trying to, she'll know it, when you offer your perspective, it won't be as though you're telilng them they're wrong but just giving your view. If you truly sympathize with her, she'll handle that better.

Sorry I rambled, and I hope it makes sense. Just off the top of my head.

Hope this helps *hugs*