[ants]

hi,
i have been dating my girl for 7 months. she lives over seas and is studying. im 31 she is 23
her history. she has had one boyfriend which lasted 4 years and broke it off becuause they didnt get along that well and he never listened to her concerns. she was anorexic at 12 but got over it by herself within 2 years. she is very caring and sweet.
we met 7 months ago and she was leaving back to overseas in 3 weeks..we went on a date and slept with each other and spent those 3 weeks.
when she was back we talk every day on whats app and speak on skype everysat. she saw me recently after 6 months here for 2 weeks and went back.
everything is great between us. we love each other and send nice messages and letters and we have skype sex on the weekends...when together we really connect.

she lives with 2 guys in a shared apartment...which i advised against becuase i know what guys are like...she said she tried to move in with some girls but that fell through and this was the next best option...i believe her.
the other day she told me she and her roommates and roommate friend played some drinking games and she dressed up in a bruno outfit with her underwear underneath and also dunked tampons into alcohol...i told her that that was too much and not a good idea around single guys...im not ther to protect her.
she agreed it was too much.

the next week she said she is going out for a big night drinking with a few girls and guys and sleeping at her flatmates friends place. i said that isnt such a good idea and offered to pay for a taxi to get home...she said it will be fine.

i said if she does go back to that guys place then sleep on the couch and dont share with another guy.

a few days later she tells me that she went out drinking and went back to this guys place and slept on the floor...this guy then came home a bit later and woke her up and grabbed her hand to follow him into bed... she said she couldnt resist that he wanted her and went into his bed....she said to him that she has a boyfriend...he then said dont worry we can keep it a secret.

they then started kissing and he fingered her until she came but she said she didnt sleep with him or wank him and i truly believe that.

when she told me i was devistated and said how could u do that after all we have been through..she said she was so sorry and it will never happen again and it wouldnt have happened if i was there...and she was drunk etc.

i had a few days to think and decided to give her another chance and said if it happens again i will brake it off straight away.

i guess its hard when she is alone and needs me so much

right now im sorta trusting her but not fully and its hard to let go of what she has done and if i can tust her again?

she is also doing an exchange semester her next year for 6 months which tells me she is commited

please help with what to do

thanks

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ants

she is also doing an exchange semester her next year for 6 months which tells me she is commited

please help with what to do

thanks

Meaning, next year she will be an exchange student exactly where you live, or just in your country of residence?

[Confusedinomicon]

If someone blames you for not being there, there is an issue. What does that tell you? They are not being responsible for their actions.

I think you need to make sure she's not rebounding and that she has a genuine interest in continuing a relationship/settling down. I am her age and many of my friends are just exploring themselves in relationships.

Originally Posted by ants

i guess its hard when she is alone and needs me so much
thanks

It doesn't matter how hard it is, the fact is that if you say you are in a committed relationship, that means that you will resist no matter how hard it is being apart. There is never an excuse to have any kind of sex or intimacy with another because you're apart. That's the test for whether someone is truly committed to you or not. If after 7 months she can't resist temptation to jump in bed with another guy just because she is far from you, I'd start questioning whether or not she's the one for you.

I don't think it's a bad thing to give someone another chance but she needs to prove to you that she is committed to you and only you. You need to stick to your plan to break it off if she does it again, no ifs, ands or buts about it. She does it again, and I'm sure it will continue.

This just blows me away. I'm sorry for the pain she's causing you. I don't think it's right at all.

Personally my impulse is to say find someone that's actually going to be committed, loyal and faithful to you.

[Harley47]

Sandman said it very well. I was in an long distance relationship that ended over the summer because she had cheated on me. I missed her when she wasn't here (granted...that was something that never happened, but for the purposes of this, that's okay), but I never put myself in the position that infidelity would even be a question. Honestly speaking and if it's not too much TMI, I gave up pornography in its entirety because I didn't wish to hurt her.

My point isn't to regale you with stories of my own accomplishments, but rather to say that fidelity and trust in these things are paramount, and without them, it is doomed to fail. I did notice that alcohol is a trend in both these stories...does she have a problem with alcohol consumption? Her being under the influence doesn't make it okay, as that's still a responsibility issue, but that could be an underlying cause.

I am sorry you are going through this. Personally, I think Sandman's impulse is correct, but I trust your judgement in the matter. You are in my prayers, and I wish you all the best.

Hugs,
Harley