[Karlam1991]

I'm confused, sad, depressed, lonely
My boyfriend is a drug addict
And a month ago he went to a rehab place, which is states away from where I live I love him and always will I'm really glad he's seeking help he has done it before but relapsed
Now he will be away for idk how long
And calls me now and than.

I feel bored and sad I'm a very anti-social/quiet kind of person
So no friends really.
Except one I've known him for a while,
I have no feelings for him whatsoever nor attracted to him
But he does he says he likes me a lot.

He knows my situation and understands
So he asks me to go out to places eat/skating/movies
I went with him and I want to go out again I want to have fun
To distract myself from being sad
But if my boyfriend knew he would be sad/upset
I'm not cheating because I do not like this guy
I'm not planning on telling my boyfriend

I don't know what to do. I want to be happy.
But I don't want this to affect my relationship.

I'm only 21yrs old

Any suggestions?

Well first of all, no it's not cheating as you asked in your title. Of course, be careful about relying on some other guy for emotional support it could turn into an emotional affair at some point. I understand the need to be distracted and have a friend. After all you're only 21 and you're dealing with a drug addicted. IMO, he already fell back into it, if it were me, you're not like married to the guy, I would be wearing thing tbh of my patience. On that note if it's a long time, I don't know if I'd be able to wait, you should have a devoted bf that would be drug free and/or give it up if he fell into it, for you, in addition to for himself. I'd give it some time but don't wait forever for this guy. you're too young for that.

On the subject of not telling him. Do you really want a long term relationship based on keeping anything from him? Would you want him to keep things from you? Regardless of if it upset him you're not doing anything adulterous at this point and a trusting loving bf would accept this. I think you need to be upfront with him about that or don't do it. Make the choice that way. If it's something you'd have to hide, then don't do it. If you can tell yourself you'll be honest with him about it then go for it. I just don't think that's the makings of a strong relationship.

My rule of thumb is, if you feel like you have to hide something, even if it's not "technically" wrong, it's probably best not to do it. but that depends on how far you'd go for the person you love...

[hamster-bamster]

Is he a true drug addict? You should never have drug addicts as boyfriends in the first place. It is just not worth it. Life is very difficult even without addiction problems. To add addiction on top of everything else is insane. Do not do that. Imagine he overdoses and dies? Do you want to go through that experience?

I do not think that rehab places have a good record of success. Agree with s4ndm4n2006 that you are way too young to compromise in such a way.

You are asking a wrong question and your mind is preoccupied with a wrong topic. The topic you should be thinking about is how to detach yourself emotionally from the bf. I know it is very hard and love is a strong feeling that is hard to overcome, but you need to have some safety rules set for yourself, and the earlier you develop them, the better. People who are abusive in any way or severe drug or alcohol addicts should not be considered. I am talking about true addiction - I am not suggesting you only associate with people who abstain from everything... I am talking about severe addictions.

And, you should not be rescuing anybody and making personal sacrifices for anybody. If you feel the need to rescue people, you should see a T about it to nip the problem in the bud. 21 is a great age to become aware of this problem and deal with it before real damage is done. That you are in love with a relapsing addict and talk about him in such romantic terms makes me immediately suspect that you do have the problem of wanting to rescue people. Let us hope I am wrong but see a professional to be checked out.

Regarding your dilemma:
I don't know what to do. I want to be happy.
But I don't want this to affect my relationship.

You should have your priorities straight. Your first priority is to be happy. Relationship comes second. Go with the guy who appears from your description to be drug-free and nice enough. Let us hope that perhaps something changes and you start liking him and forget about the drug addict. That would be the best case scenario. Unfortunately, it is unlikely, because young and old women alike tend to fall for people who are not good for them and disregard nice people, but you should at least give it a try. If it does not happen, at least you will have had a good time. You say that you are "very anti-social/quiet kind of person" so it is not like you have 500 friends on FB, right? So appreciate the one you have and have a good time. Ultimately, your goal should not be to keep the r/s but do everything possible to sever the r/s because you are courting disaster by associating with a drug addict. You are also romanticizing the situation - "he is several states away, he will be away for idk how long" - there is nothing romantic about it; responsible people who care about their gf's have their priorities straight and do not relapse because they want to be with their gf's. So you should be able to see that there is nothing romantic about your current station in life and try to change it for the better, as soon as possible.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I agree with hamster. You haven't done anything that could be considered cheating. All you've done is seen a movie. There's nothing wrong with that.

I also agree that you need to be upfront with your boyfriend because certainly someone is going to tell him that they saw you with this other guy. And if you start hiding things from him, he's going to think that you HAVE something to hide, and that's not the case. So be upfront. Tell him the truth. Then he's going to trust you, instead of thinking you're slinking around behind his back.

The way you talk tho, I think you're a bit young to tie yourself down to one guy. I think you should just "play the field" and experience more fun before settling down to just one person in a long-term relationship right now. You have plenty of time to do that. From the way it sounds you haven't really dated alot - it that true? Now is the time to do it, because in later years it isn't that easy. So have your fun NOW. Get it out of your system while you can. I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ I agree with hamster. You haven't done anything that could be considered cheating. All you've done is seen a movie. There's nothing wrong with that.

I also agree that you need to be upfront with your boyfriend because certainly someone is going to tell him that they saw you with this other guy. And if you start hiding things from him, he's going to think that you HAVE something to hide, and that's not the case. So be upfront. Tell him the truth. Then he's going to trust you, instead of thinking you're slinking around behind his back.

The way you talk tho, I think you're a bit young to tie yourself down to one guy. I think you should just "play the field" and experience more fun before settling down to just one person in a long-term relationship right now. You have plenty of time to do that. From the way it sounds you haven't really dated alot - it that true? Now is the time to do it, because in later years it isn't that easy. So have your fun NOW. Get it out of your system while you can. I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Well said and cannot agree more!

how long is your boyfriend going to be in rehab? if it's going to be for a really long time, like upwards to a year or so, that's unreasonable if he expects you to stay with him. you're not married, you aren't tied to him, you shouldn't be limiting yourself. you're only 21! you should be getting out and living a little! don't let yourself be stuck in this kind of relationship where you are being hurt by a guy who isn't anywhere near you anymore.

idk. i agree with hamster for the most part. this relationship is no good if the guy can't stay clean.

but you don't have to get romantically involved with this other guy friend, and no, it's not cheating to just hang out with a friend who happens to be a guy. in fact, i'd probably advise against it since this sort of thing has happened to me and it was a bad idea to date a guy i didn't like in a romantic way. he went a bit crazy, haha.

anyway...this is just my opinion so take it as you will, but i don't think you should be keeping yourself closed to any kind of romance just because you were with this drug addict guy before he went into rehab. i would break ties, if it were me. you guys aren't together anymore, and can't physically be together, so this isn't a relationship.

get out and have some fun. don't worry about the other guy. just think like you're single again (don't have to be "single and looking" right?) and have fun! you deserve it.

[Harley47]

Hamster and Lee nailed it...lol I can't add in much else.

I know it's a hard thing to deal with, and I know you must love him to still be here with him, but he's putting you in a hazardous situation by virtue of his own situation. I have seen personally what drug addiction will do to a family...I do not wish that upon anyone. I am sorry if I am offering advise outside of what you asked for...I just feel that it is best for you that you hear that.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by DreamAddiction37

but you don't have to get romantically involved with this other guy friend,

I was not saying that she has to but hoping that she might. Giving it a low probability.

But sure, if OP can get into the mode of single and NOT looking, even better, great advice.

[Karlam1991]

[QUOTE=hamster-bamster;2856199]Is he a true drug addict?

Thank you for your response,
Yes he is addicted to DXM, smoking and somewhat alcohol.

Im not trying to rescue him I have been with him for close to 2yrs
I have learned there's absolute NOTHING I can do to help him but pray
And encourage him to be better..
But he will get better if he really wants not because of me.

This is his first relapse.. And I have said this that If after he gets out of rehab and relapses again I will be done
I can't stand being alone suffering.

And yes I'm truly scared that one day he could die
I have thought about it..

And this new guy he's not an option for me.
He drinks, flirts so much with other girls.
And is very controlling.
We're just good friends.

[Karlam1991]

Well what should I tell him.!!

That I just want him and me to be friends??
Because I need to get out and have fun.?

[Karlam1991]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ I agree with hamster. You haven't done anything that could be considered cheating. All you've done is seen a movie. There's nothing wrong with ack.

The way you talk tho, I think you're a bit young to tie yourself down to one guy. I think you should just "play the field" and experience more fun before settling down to just one person in a long-term relationship right now. You have plenty of time to do that. From the way it sounds you haven't really dated alot - it that true? Now is the time to do it, because in later years it isn't that easy. So have your fun NOW. Get it out of your system while you can. I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Yes I haven't dated a lot.. I seem to always have bad luck
When it comes to boyfriends..
I have low self steem
I'm very skinny BONE skinny
Not a lot of guys like that.
I just got sick when I was a baby and I just can't gain

But anyways I've gotten better.
And my boyfriend really loves me.
He hasn't showed it in the best way but
I have hope.

[hamster-bamster]

Controlling is not good. Great job ruling out the guy who is controlling as a bf.

Skinny and low self esteem? Get a high resolution picture of Kate Moss and hang on the wall in your bedroom. That is number one. Number two, go read the forum on overeating and binge eating under eating disorders, to gain a new perspective.