[cjwall]

First off, thank you for taking an interest in this post. I will greatly appreciate your responses especially if you are or have been in a similar situation. I also hope this post provides some help to anyone else in a similar situation. This is going to be a LONG post as I have a lot to say and explain. If you are going to read this, first use the restroom & grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. You’ll be here a while but hopefully I keep you interested.

To start, I will explain our family structures and a little bit about my wife and I. We are in our early 30’s, both are college educated, have been married 1.5 years, 1st marriage for both of us, and just gave birth to our 1st child, a planned pregnancy resulting in a beautiful baby girl which we both absolutely adore. Neither of us have any other children. I have absolutely no feelings of her being un-faithful and I do not doubt the paternity of my child. I’m very certain she also does not have those feelings of me. I have never been un-faithful to her at all. Fidelity is not an issue here. Sorry if my story will be boring without it.

My wife has 2 older brothers. 1 about 3 years older and 1 about 7 years older. Her father passed away before we met. He was a much traumatized Vietnam veteran and a very bad drunk. He was a “tunnel rat”, he cleared the VietCongs underground tunnels and has seen very traumatic stuff. He was very verbally abusive to their whole family and physically abusive towards her brothers. From what I know, he never really touched her or her mom but would fist fight her brothers on very frequent occasions. My wife is in many ways still traumatized by her childhood. She could not even have friends over because of her dad because no one ever knew what state he would be in. Her father was never close with the kids. He never held them as children and was never involved in their lives at all. He never attended any of the kids sporting events or anything at all. My wife is very close with her mother as may be expected after an up-bringing like that though I don’t understand why her mom stayed with her dad when he physically fist fought her brothers and was so verbally abusive to her and her mother. Why would a mother keep her kids and herself in that situation? I’m sorry if that offends anyone, I understand the Battered Woman syndrome but from what I understand, I don’t think he would have been a threat as far as hunting them down or anything though. He would probably have been OK with her mom and the kids leaving and leaving him to swim to the bottom of his bottle. He did have a good career and made pretty decent money (good for a middle class family) so maybe she stayed for the money? I don’t know. It is such a sensitive subject that even after marriage, I am way too afraid to even try to walk down that path and she doesn’t open up to me about it. She is super sensitive and protective of that subject and her family. If I dare even say anything about her family in anywhere near a negative light, she flips out though she can call my family every name in the book and think it’s OK.

Prior to her getting pregnant and for years before we met, she was on Effexor. Effexor is used to treat major depressive disorder, anxiety, and panic disorder. She told me it was for anxiety which I know she has a horrible case of. After getting to know her more, I don’t doubt she was on it for depression too though she won’t admit it. Depression seems to be more of a disorder to her where anxiety can be called a chemical imbalance. Given her childhood, I feel she may be on it for depression as well. When we knew that we wanted to start trying to get pregnant, she got off Effexor. She had to. It says not to take during pregnancy or breastfeeding. We waited 6 weeks as her doctor recommended. Once she got off the pills and we started trying, she got pregnant during her first ovulation. I haven’t seen my wife since. She is a completely different person. She used to be super calm and relaxed. She never let little things bother her. She was fun, carefree, easy going, and super fun to be with. The woman off the pills is nowhere near the woman I knew on the pills. I had no idea the medication had such a dramatic effect on her personality. She’s breast feeding now so she still can’t get back on them yet. We always talked about having a 2 child family but really, I can’t stand the thought of another pregnancy and breast feeding (times when she’s off the meds). When she’s done breast feeding our first child, I want her to get back on her medication. I would love to have another child but not at the expense of what I have gone through with this one with her being off her meds. I love my child to death but I want my wife back.

I have 1 brother 3.5 years older than me and my parents are still legally married but have been separated since the exact time my wife and I met. I mean the exact time! The first time she met my parents, they were together. The next time she saw them, they were separated. My mom left my dad the same week my wife and I met. My father had an affair with the neighbor when I was 10 & 11 years old. My mother found out during the affair but stuck around to keep the family together. I was best friends with the other woman’s son. I knew about the affair but didn’t totally understand what it was. I just thought my dad and my friend’s mom liked each other. Sex and affairs was not something that I understood at 10 years old. I knew it was wrong but I never wanted to tell my mom that my dad liked my friend’s mom because I knew that would hurt her. I did not totally understand the concept but I still knew it was wrong for my dad to “like” another “girl” and I didn’t want to get my mom “mad” at my dad. My mom stayed with my dad for the next 15 years after the affair. I know she stayed for mine and my brothers sake but I’m not sure why she didn’t she leave after my brother and I flew the coop approximately 8 years later? My mom now is very destroyed emotionally. As I grew older and all the memories started to make sense, I never let my brother or either of my parents know that I knew until they split. I remember things that never rung a bell before but now they do. I must say its traumatic on me having been such a part of it and no one thinking I was. Maybe that’s why Im fighting so hard to save my marriage right now. Maybe my past experiences have made me be so strong when so many other people would have picked up and ran in my situation. I love my wife and my daughter to death. I would never leave them. Even if I thought my wife was losing it, I would stay and take care of her, not just because that’s the oath I took but because I love her so deeply that I will stand by her side through thick and thin till we are gone.

A big family problem started when my brother found out that I knew all along about my dad’s affair. My brother is the definition of a Narcissist, so he is very upset that he did not know and I did (he will never admit that it’s cause I knew and he didn’t, I don’t think he realizes that himself). It’s totally crazy that a parental separation destroys a family even when the kids are in their late 20’s – early 30’s. Just goes to show that a divorce (or separation) screws up kids and families of all ages no matter what.

My family has always been a little bit dysfunctional but we were always really close and involved in each other’s lives in good ways and bad ways. Even as grown adults, since my parents split my family has taken a drastic change for the worse. I work for my brother. He gets me most of the work that I do. He started on this project with me and moved there when I did. The first year, it was just him and I. We decided to live together which was a horrible decision and I knew it. My wife and I were not married yet and he had not moved his family here yet. My brother and I fought like cats and dogs during this time though never physical. A year into the project, my brother moved his wife and 2 kids here. A few months later, I moved my fiancée (current wife) here. Things were descent. Both our wives hung out a little bit. Not too much as they are quite different people and personalities but enough to stay a tad more than just each other’s husbands wife. Eventually, things fell apart between them. Not horrible but to the point they just quit hanging out. My brother’s wife did and said multiple different things that struck a chord with my wife. Things that I understand would upset my wife (or myself in that situation) but my wife just grew a total hatred for her over these things. This is a part of our problems also because I don’t think that her level of hatred is equal to what happened to her. She won’t even go anywhere where my sister in law is now.

I am an engineer and have a real engineering mindset. I mean this in that everything has to make sense to me. I don’t make big decisions on the fly. I think through all decisions I make. Obviously when I say all I don’t really mean ALL but mainly all decisions that matter or that have or will have a large impact on something. I have a hard time accepting things that don’t make sense or understanding things that don’t have an explanation. My job requires me to fix things that are broken, make things work that don’t work, correct for bad design, and attain things that at first seem un-attainable. I have no choice with my job, when Im done it has to run. “No”, “I cant”, or “its impossible” are not options in my job and that is my mind set too. To me, nothing is ever broken beyond repair and there is nothing that can’t be fixed or corrected if the right steps and actions are taken. I am not a quitter, never have been and definitely will not quite on my relationship.

My wife and I met a little more than 4 years ago. When we met, she still lived with her mother. I figured it was due to $20K in student loans she acquired while in college. She was working to pay her way through college but ended up having to cut back her working hours to stay in college and also help her mother take care of her father who had become gravely ill. This is how she started piling up the debt. When we met, her father had passed away about 3 years prior leaving her mother with a descent amount of money. Not sure exactly how much, I avoid the topic, but my good guess would be somewhere around a Million dollars or a little less in cash, stocks, pensions, etc., along with a paid off house. We both grew up in the lower to middle range of middle class so that is quite a bit of money for a middle class family. A lot of the debt my wife acquired was because of helping out with her dad and when he died, her mom did not even pay off her debts. I feel its because she did not want her to be able to move out on her own. Her mom knew that as long as she had this debt she would be forced to live with her and that with the money she was making compared to her debt, this would be a very long time.
When we met, I was traveling the majority of the time for my work so I still lived with my parents, not out of financial necessity but out of practicality. I was in my late 20’s, single, and living in and out of hotels in different cities and states. I was on a work assignment for a few months back home when we met. A few months after we met, I had to go back on the road for a year on and off, mostly away. My career is very tough for a relationship, especially one just starting off but we made it through. She was a very strong woman. She did great with the distance and the only seeing each other every weekend and sometimes only every other weekend. It was hard for me but not too bad, I understood it, it was my life, it was what I do. After about 6 months I had a good feeling this was the one. Im not a fast mover but after a very bad mistake a couple years before I met her, I was sure I knew what I wanted and that she was it. I went ahead and bought a house back in our home state that we both picked out. By all reasoning and the amazing current status of our relationship, this was her house too except that since the relationship was so young, I bought it myself, all in my name. Not that I doubted her or our relationship at the time, but simply that I am a very logical and rational person and knew that we had been together only 6 months at this time. At this time, I was back home for a few straight months again. We got the house, re-painted everything to our likings, carpet, etc., then I had to hit the road again for many months. She lived in our house by herself pretty much right after we got it the way we want. Once again, I came home only every weekend or every other weekend. Work depicted when I could come home, not me. If it were up to me, I would have been home every weekend (every day is not possible with my job). She did great though. This is not a normal way of life for anyone but she handled it great. Our distance made us really cherish the time we did have together. We were best friends. If I won a free vacation anywhere, there would be no doubt that I would have taken her over any of my guy friends. While I was working on the road, we would spend many weekends together at the beach. I would fly her out to meet me and we would spend the whole weekend just lying on the beach, drinking, going out to eat, and simply just enjoy being together. We would laugh at the same stupid things together. We would just enjoy being in each other’s presence. She was my best friend and I was hers. About 2.5 years into our relationship, I decided to pop the question. I knew she was the one. We were best friends. We wanted nothing but to be with each other. We had discussed being together forever and how we wanted to raise our family and our future together. We were totally on the same page with everything so I knew this is where we were. She obviously said yes.

At the point I popped the question, I had been on a long term project for about a year. I felt that this particular project would last many more years and quite possibly land me a good permanent position with a very large and reputable company in which I would not have to travel for a living anymore. Never positive in my field though. I knew with all my heart that I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. I had absolutely no doubt what so ever. Who wouldn’t want to marry their best friend? At this point, I was living half way across the country so not only did I know I wanted to marry her, but I knew it was only right that I put a ring on her finger if I were to ask her to move half way across the country to be with me.

Since we weren’t absolutely positive what was going on with my job and future, moving her down was kind of a risk. Being a consultant/contractor, this job could last another 10 years or 2 months. Everything in my field is a risk and has no promise of any future. With this in mind, we got an apartment. It was just us, no children or pregnancy at this point. We looked forward to the easy life of apartment living… no cutting the grass, shoveling snow, just us together, doing whatever we want to do wjhen we want to do it. I work long hours, sometimes 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for months on end and we just wanted to be able to spend every possible minute together. I did not want to take time away spending with my wife to do household chores. Everything was tip top, just absolutely perfect.

My brother and I have always had huge blow out fights since I was about 18 years old. He’s a real bad narcissist, I mean bad, and I won’t tolerate another grown man talking to me or treating me the way he does. We fight hardcore verbally (never physical) and then we’re good again in a few weeks. He’s got major mental problems. I think the only reason he’s never got physical with me is because he knows I would whoop his ***. I’m positive that if he thought he could take me, he would have gotten physical with me by now. He also knows that I’m the kind of person that would never lay a negative hand on him as long as he never touched my wife, child, or myself. I know my brother knows I help keep his ship afloat. I cannot deny that he’s a man that’s great with getting people work, good business skills, makes a ton of money, and treats everyone that works for him like a complete pile of ****. He pays very well compared to the industry standard, that’s the only reason anyone still works for him. I accept him for who he is though. I have a hard time throwing my only brother away. I have taken my relationship with him down to nearly nothing. At this point he is basically just they guy that helps get me work. We don’t really have anything left that resembles a “relationship” as brothers should have. We don’t talk about anything other than work and we never hang out on a friendship level.

Unfortunately, I have not be able to cover everything. This would be a 500 page book if I did. I look forward to your responses positive or negative. Thank You

[hamster-bamster]

Well, it is a simple problem. There is a bug with your wife. There is a known fix. You cannot apply the fix because the child needs to be breastfed. I assume at least for one year. After that period, you will apply the fix.

Lots of people do not know what would fix them. In the case of your wife, there is already a known fix. So just wait.

The problem is much worse when we do not know the fix. Or, even whether it exists at all.

Be happy that your situation is so straightforward.

[Leed]

I agree with what hamster said. Tho you have to wait until she's done breast feeding, you already know that antidepressants work for your wife. That's great! So make sure she gets back on her meds after she's done breast feeding. Therapy would be very beneficial also. I don't know if she's ever gone thru therapy but it sure did ME a lot of good. I had issues that went along with depression, and dealing with them too made a world of difference! There are many times issues we don't even know we have. So it's a good idea to go thru therapy. She won't regret it, I'm sure of that. It CAN be painful at first but after we get thru the painful parts, we begin to heal. I'm sure the therapist would want to delve into her childhood. And I'm sure that would be painful for her. But I believe she needs to do that since she won't talk much about her family. Anyone who is THAT sensitive about family needs to see someone.

I wish you the very best. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

And, breastfeeding is EXTREMELY important. So you are suffering for a very, very worthy cause. Do not give up.

[Bill3]

Is your wife speaking of divorce?

[Harley47]

Hamster nailed it, I think. I know it's hard, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Once the breast feeding is done and your wife is able to get back on her medicine, I think you'll both be alright. Know I am praying for the both of you.

Hugs,
Harley

Originally Posted by cjwall

I would love to have another child but not at the expense of what I have gone through with this one with her being off her meds. I love my child to death but I want my wife back.

I am not sure what most of what you are telling us has to do with your wife. Everyone seems to have some sort of issues to do with families to a greater or lesser extent and they are often less than perfect. Its how we deal with it that counts.

But I did find the above line to be a bit hard to read. Its great to see that your wife responds so very well to her meds, and am sorry that being off them for a while, to have your child, is hard. But I bet its hard for everyone? And surely its worth it? You're very lucky to have met someone that you love, and who loves you. You're very lucky to have a child together. Why not focus on that instead? Be supportive, not as the above reads, feeling a little sorry for yourself. That's what love is, supporting through difficult times. Sometimes its good to look at the bigger picture and having a family that you wanted, with a woman that you love. Those things will (hopefully) last you a lifetime. Surely its worth a few months of being uncomfortable to have what others can only dream about?

I like the idea of therapy too. For your wife, and possibly you.

[~Christina]

I am not certain why you titled this as your marriage falling apart... your wife was able to stop the medication to have a child with you. You say nothing about how she feels off the medication, is she aware that you have such a strong opinion of her in regards to her being off Effexor ? According to you she probably has some issues due to her childhood, Maybe she would look into Therapy.

Enjoy your beautiful baby girl and be supportive of your wife.

[avlady]

I read your whole story just to let you know i care. I really don't know how to treat to it other than you sound very supporting and understanding. I hope you do go to a therapist as it sounds like you have a lot on your plate now, and also your wife. Maybe your brother will get the drift if you just mention that you are overwhelmed and confront him on that issue if possible. i will pray for you maybe you can find an interest your brother likes to talk about you can bring it up for conversation.

[AAAAA]

C jwall – I too would like an answer to why a woman would stay and allow her children to be subjected to that. My father was an abusive alcoholic. Ours was a happy story, my father did sober up and remain so for some 25+ until his death. He was a very good man, an honorable man, but he did some really horrible things that my brother and I were forced to endure and they stay with both of us to this day. I understand loving someone, I understand not leaving someone when they are damaged through no fault of their own, the part I do not understand is allowing your children to live through that hell. My mother only views things from her eyes. She recalls the abuse she suffered but it “wasn’t that bad for you kids”. Hello, I provoked him to distract him from hitting you. Sorry, went off on a tangent.

As to your wife. I’m not exactly sure what your question is. Your wife has issues. Fortunately she has a treatment plan that will work for her. There is an end in sight! Before you decide to have more children, please be honest with her about your feelings of her behavior off the medication.

I married my husband at 17 years old. We have been married 25+ years (I’ve lost count). Here’s what I think. People give up on their marriages too easily these days, EVERY marriage can work (except in my opinion for cases of abuse). Sometimes one partner has to put in 99% of the work. Truth be told, in the early days I was doing most of the work. He had a wife, children, he was happy. Life could be dealt with later. Then we were even for a number of years. Life was great. Then I got sick, just about recovered from that and my father died unexpectedly bringing my world crashing down. He carried me for 10 years. We’re about even again, and that’s a wonderful feeling. There was certainly some divine intervention when our paths cross. Who meets their soul mate at 8 years old?

So what’s your goal? What’s your end game? These are the choices only you can make. Are you in it for life or short term? I’m not trying to be cruel or harsh. It’s not fair when you’re carrying the whole load, but life by definition is not fair. It is what you make of it. The honeymoon is over, now the REAL love begins. The feelings I felt for my husband 3 decades ago are a speck of sand to how I feel about him now. It also makes it impossible to surprise one another. I can pretty much figure out what he’s thinking as soon as the thought forms in his head; and vice versa.