My insecurity is ruining my otherwise wonderful relationship

I have a beautiful girlfriend who I have been with for the last two and a half years. She has been nothing but caring, loyal, faithful and supportive to me in every way. Before me, however she had slept with 4 others, me 2, although numbers are not the problem. This I know shouldn't be a problem whatsoever but it is always on my mind, it clouds my memories of her and makes me think of her negatively as if she has in some way cheapened herself and that I am in some way less special.

I know that this is absurd but it affects me daily and is the only issue we ever have. It drives me mad thinking that other guys can see her in the same light in which I have seen her and I over think it constantly and wind myself up, I cannot seem to control this and it makes me say nasty, offensive things to the poor special girl. I cannot believe that she is still with me. Now, I am not stupid (not too anyway) and I know that this is MY problem, she has not done anything wrong. I know this and I tell myself it every day but it doesn't stop the feeling of sadness and disgust at the thought of her with other men in her past. I know that I have a serious insecurity problem.

I don't stop her from doing what she wants or going out or what she wears or anything else, it is only this.....it is driving me crazy. I have heard all the usual stuff ie. get over yourself, she loves you now, she has chosen you etc etc, but this feeling will not stop. Please please let me know how to 1. Stop having these bad thoughts so often 2. How to deal with them without becoming anxious and into overdrive 3. Stop blurring separate good past memories with what she did years ago 4. Stop feeling like this. It really is ruining my life. I know I have the issue and we have both talked about it extensively, but it never ceases, it is always there. I don't know what to do. Please help me

I'm sure you have heard it all. But what makes you think all those other guys are still thinking of her? They aren't! They've moved on to other conquests and don't care a lick about her anymore. They undoubtedly don't even remember her name!!!

They wouldn't be able to describe her if they tried! So why are you worrying about them 'seeing her in the same light?' They can't see her cause they can't remember her!!!

So stop worrying. YOU'VE got her. You're the only one that sees her now, and can describe her. The others are gone as far as she's concerned. She doesn't care about the past. And you shouldn't either. Those "other guys" don't either cause they don't remember her. LOL

God bless and don't mess this up with stuff that doesn't matter. Take care. Hugs, Lee

Have you ever been like this with previous g/f? Sometimes we get hangups that we just cant rationalise. I do think tho that you're on the right path to beating this, as you're fully aware. Have you ever thought about therapy to try and help sort this out? Perhaps even go with your partner if it helps. A therapist may help you sort out some issues or even try cognitive therapy so you are able to recognise the pattern you're in and with effort, stop it.

I do echo Leeds comment, please dont mess this up with stuff that doesn't matter and I hope you keep working on it. All the best to you both.

Joshy, I know I had this issue when I was younger. I'm so not hung up about it now, but that's probably because I'm older and jaded. :P I think Leed is right--the others are over her now and don't give her any thought. If say, you were a virgin when you met, it would make a little sense but you've had experiences too so it's not fair for you to judge. she could do the same but she isn't.

are you trying to sabatoge this relationship by chance or do you really want it to work? I think the counseling for you is good suggestion as well. you realize that you are behaving in a way that isn't fair and I think you need to figure out why. best of luck to you and your gf!

Sorry you are struggling. It's a great step that you posted here and are aware of the situation. Have you spoken with your T about this to get to the root of the problem? There are reasons why you are behaving this way and it wouldn't hurt to talk to your T about it so you can change the behavior. And save your relationship.

What I have to say is similar to Suki...

You are correct! This is definitely a YOU problem!

Why is it okay for you to have slept with other women but you cannot get past HERS?

Do you feel 'inferior' in some way (like you are being judged/compared to them?)

If you aren't going to get past this, let her go! Your insecurity will only eat away at the relationship.

I DO have TWO questions:

(1) If you want someone who has no past, why date someone who wasn't a virgin? No matter the answer you give, you will answer your own question.

(2) Why is this coming up NOW? I agree with Suki, it sounds like you may be trying to 'sabotage' the relationship (subconsciously).

My advice to you is seek some professional help (but just for yourself). As you have stated, this isn't HER issue so she doesn't need to be subjected to therapy (if she WANTS to go with you, GREAT!)

Try to concentrate on the fact that you found someone who loves YOU, not anybody else, and take some solace in THAT! Love is hard to find (trust me on THAT) so don't let your petty insecurities stop you two from being happy, okay?

Good luck to the two of you! Hope you can work it out.