[veiledregret1234]

I have always been attracted to men who make me feel low. Be it full on emotional abuse or just emotional unavailability and clulessness. I know I don't like feeling like a tool but those seem to be the only men I'm attracted too. I've surrounded myself with people who want me to cater to their every whim then ignore me when I'm inconvenient. How do I stop doing this to myself?

Somehow build up your self worth? Realize your worth more than the way you are being treated.. I don't know.. maybe it's something you learned from your parents . Was your mom abused.?

[hamster-bamster]

I have this problem, too. The way I treat it: I purposefully associate with men who are nice to me, even if I am not outright attracted to them. Basically, I have learned to distrust (deeply) the mechanism through which I get attracted, and use reason instead. If a man is nice, attentive, caring, available, etc., and if I am not totally disgusted with him, I associate with him. If I am physically disgusted, that is it, I cannot overcome it, but if I am friendly enough with a person and he is being nice, I spend time with him, hoping to become more attached and grow to appreciate him.

So far that is the only practical solution I see for myself.

But you are certainly not alone with this problem.

To show the degree to which I have this problem: I had a disastrous second marriage and my ex husband took my children not giving me any visitation, took all my savings, my car, my everything, and now is going to restrict my international travel because I am behind on child support.

I had many suitors when I met him but I chose him. This weekend, I looked up one of those suitors on LinkedIn and he wrote back to me. It has been more than 15 years since I saw him (we never had a r/s, sex, or anything or that sort, but he was persistent in proposing marriage). After 15 years, he remembers the name of my son from my first marriage! And says that I was his hero, a very special person in his life, and one of the most intelligent and kind women he has ever met. And, he is a successful lawyer, wealthy and all the rest of that. Clearly I would have done better with him. Would not been humiliated for years on end, etc.

So clearly I had choices and I chose the person who would treat me the worst, turn my children against me, rob me of my self esteem and self respect, call me fat and ugly, etc etc

So no, you are not the only one with that problem.

[veiledregret1234]

Sounds like my second marriage. I haven't seen my younger son in three years. On the first reply, no my mom did them abusing from what I understand. She then took off when I was 4. My only relationship model was my grandparents, they were distant but not abusive of one another.

[hamster-bamster]

So basically the way I see it, we are FLAWED. We have a defective mechanism by which we select partners. The first thing to do is to completely disable the existing mechanism. Then, build something to compensate for the flaw.

[Passion222]

Hamster you sure hit home tonight. Thanks for that great input. Down in dumps and you sure put light on how to deal. Thank u

[veiledregret1234]

It's definitely something I need to try. I'm tired of being treated like I'm unworthy.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Passion222

Hamster you sure hit home tonight. Thanks for that great input. Down in dumps and you sure put light on how to deal. Thank u

Well thanks, it looks like I passed the theory part of the class!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by veiledregret1234

It's definitely something I need to try. I'm tired of being treated like I'm unworthy.

How many people treat you like that and how many people (maybe, more distant people) treat you with respect? Do a count! Maybe you have some acquaintances (more distant friends, perhaps) who treat you with respect, so your TODO would be to associate with them MORE, and to associate with your closest people who humiliate you LESS if at all.