[hartbroken]

I'm 41 yrs old, and managing myself and my diabetes has really been an extra challenge these last couple of years. I have schizoaffective bipolar type.

Up to now, I've come across pretty normal and able to take care of myself and pretty sane. I own a car and have traveled extensively playing music. And recently I've fallen in love with a girl. I gave her a promise ring not long ago, promising I love her and I'll always be there for her.

Right now I live with my parents yet. I can't manage my money, nor my diabetes, and the group home is starting to look good to me, because I want to be taken care of, and I don't know if my girlfriend can work full time and also take care of me. We're in love, and I hate to leave the marriage idea for a group home. If we get married right now, we'd be scratching for pennies all the time. My care would be limited. If I went to a group home, I'd be taken care of, and we could still be friends, but it would break our hearts.

I'm not sure what to do. Any ideas or options I don't know about?

[hamster-bamster]

You say that you cannot manage your diabetes. What do you mean in practical terms?

[Trippin2.0]

You are not clear on the level or type of care you need, but I'm thinking intensive outpatient programs would be suitable... I suck at managing money too (bipolar spending) but responsibility has forced me to become better at it Hope you find a better solution than giving up on love...

[jadzea]

I'm sure you love you GF and she loves you but are you sure she can take care of you? Adjusting to being married is stressful. Adding the stress of your conditions and being your caretaker may prove to be too much. I vote for the group home for awhile. Marriage is not out of the picture. Just wait until you both are sure you can handle everything before you marry.

[Leed]

I agree with Jadzea -- I'm not sure you're THAT committed to your girlfriend that you want marriage right now.

The group home is offering you complete care and that is what you WANT. The fact that you and your girlfriend would be scratching for pennies would cause all kinds of stress and could even mean that you wouldn't be able to get your insulin. If you can't handle money, then you wouldn't have enough for your medications. Then where would you be? You two would be fighting all the time, and that's going to break down a marriage quickly.

I vote for the group home. While she may be hurt, it's better than getting married and then quickly getting divorced. I'm afraid that's what would happen, and that would hurt her even more. Let her go to find someone else. You can still be friends. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Originally Posted by hartbroken

Right now I live with my parents yet. I can't manage my money, nor my diabetes, and the group home is starting to look good to me, because I want to be taken care of, and I don't know if my girlfriend can work full time and also take care of me. We're in love, and I hate to leave the marriage idea for a group home. If we get married right now, we'd be scratching for pennies all the time. My care would be limited. If I went to a group home, I'd be taken care of, and we could still be friends, but it would break our hearts.

I'm not sure what to do. Any ideas or options I don't know about?

Wanting to be taken care of and wanting your girlfriend to take care of you are really poor reasons to get married. In fact, they will probably doom the marriage from the start. It is really unfair to expect someone else to take care of you all the time. Caretaking of a spouse is a HUGE strain and burden. Sometimes it is absolutely necessary and unavoidable, but you should be able to learn to manage your own diabetes, and if your mental health issues are beyond your ability to manage, asking someone else to manage them for you just really isn't realistic or really terribly fair.

Sounds like you really need the group home. Go there with the intention of learning the skills to manage your own health and well-being. Learn to do that and then perhaps down the road you can consider a marriage of equal partnership.

[Trippin2.0]

Question: by 'take care of me' pertaining to your gf, what exactly would that entail? My friend had a diabetic bf once, and apart from 1 instance where he went into shock,he didn't need her taking care of him... Sorry if I seem intrusive, just trying to see the whole picture to get a clearer perspective...

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Question: by 'take care of me' pertaining to your gf, what exactly would that entail? My friend had a diabetic bf once, and apart from 1 instance where he went into shock,he didn't need her taking care of him... Sorry if I seem intrusive, just trying to see the whole picture to get a clearer perspective...

I am with Trippin on this. I'm wondering what extra care your diabetes entails other than either taking your meds or insulin and eating right + getting exercise? I have diabetes myself and am unclear on this too.

[hamster-bamster]

My friend's teenage son manages his Diabetes Type I himself, which is why I wondered what exactly it is that you cannot manage. I think her son started managing on his own in middle school.

[hamster-bamster]

I have reread the OP and vote for group home with Leed and Farmergirl. If you hesitate even for a second between marriage and a group home, then the group home wins. I am sure it is just a group home, not a prison - you can still be friends with your gf and hopefully have sex when you visit her (sex inside the group home is likely not allowed). So the practical component of the r/s will continue even when you are in the group home.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Wanting to be taken care of and wanting your girlfriend to take care of you are really poor reasons to get married. In fact, they will probably doom the marriage from the start. It is really unfair to expect someone else to take care of you all the time. Caretaking of a spouse is a HUGE strain and burden. Sometimes it is absolutely necessary and unavoidable, but you should be able to learn to manage your own diabetes, and if your mental health issues are beyond your ability to manage, asking someone else to manage them for you just really isn't realistic or really terribly fair.

Sounds like you really need the group home. Go there with the intention of learning the skills to manage your own health and well-being. Learn to do that and then perhaps down the road you can consider a marriage of equal partnership.

I agree 100%. My 2nd husband married me for the same reason--he did love me but he also wanted me to take care of him. I knew he had a disability, but I did not realize how bad it was and that he needed someone to take care of him. I basically fell apart, to put it mildly. I already had a problem with depression, and this made it worse. It got to the point where I couldn't even take care of myself anymore; I showered everyday, but could not comb my hair--then it would be such a knotted mess that I cut big chunks out of my hair. My clothes were always a mess--people who did not know me thought I was homeless because I was such a wreck. Then, when he finally realized I could not give him the care he needed or wanted, he just fell apart even more and eventually committed suicide. I agree, that it needs to be an equal partnership.

[mazing]

I would agree with above that marriage for the sake of it is probably not the best idea, especially with the stress of the changes and finances. If you need the support right now I would be considering the group home, or an intensive outpatient program that can allow you to receive the care you need.

It may impact on your relationship in some ways, however if you and your girlfriend are meant to be together I am sure you can find a way to remain friends and re-evaluate your relationship later

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by shortandcute

Then, when he finally realized I could not give him the care he needed or wanted, he just fell apart even more and eventually committed suicide. I agree, that it needs to be an equal partnership.

Oh I am sorry, that must have been so hard on your psyche.