[cannontide]

So long story short, I am a survivor of a violent and unstable childhood. I found the inner strength to learn what not to do from my parents (and everyone else they allowed in our lives...). As an adult, I worked very hard and have had a successful career but I have not faired so well in my personal life. I thought I had learned what not to do in my personal life too but I still have not chosen healthy people to share my life with as an adult.

My first husband was physically and emotionally abusive. I finally got out of that relationship after 10 years. I remarried 5 years later. My second husband has been emotionally and financially abusive for the majority of our 9 year marriage. He has also been unfaithful. Additionally, because his mother had medical problems and lived alone, I had the bright idea to ask her to come live with us to help us take care of our 2 boys. My original thought was that it would make my husband feel better and not worry about her so much and would also give her a family to take care of her when she needed it. It also allowed her to be close to her grandkids and kept my boys out of daycare. I thought it was the right thing to do since she had no other family to help her. What I didn't realize is that she would eventually try displace me as a wife and mother.

Although I have had a successful career, I have also been battling a major injury from a car accident 10 years ago. I was plowed in to by a careless driver. I have suffered ongoing and an extremely disabling medical condition since but I have worked through it all. I have had 4 surgeries in the last 18 months to try to stabilize my condition. I have recently gained control over my medical condition (for now).

As of now, I am trying to return to work (after being off for a year). I am doing everything I can to get back to work and am doing any consulting jobs that I can find. During my surgeries over the last year, my husband and mother in law took everything away from me. I now have zero financial involvement in decisions of any kind, money is now hidden from me (literally), I am only allowed to drive 1 of our 4 cars, my belongings were moved to a storage unit, and I am treated with complete disrespect. The two of them make every decision together from where things go in the house to paying the bills and where we are going to spend Christmas. If I try to be involved, I'm either lied to or it's world war 3.

Now obviously I needed help while I was down with surgery, however, I have been better for 6 months and have asked on NUMEROUS occasions for these things to change. I am lied to about the money. I am treated like a prisoner in my own home. My mother in law even reports things she sees and hears back to my husband. It's awful.

I finally got my husband to go to a counselor (once). He admitted to the counselor that he was treating me this way and hiding money, etc. from me because he was afraid I would leave him. Who wouldn't with the way I am being treated? He also told the counselor that he was attracted to me because when he met me I had a lot of financial earning potential and was in a good financial place. It was great to hear that I only had value to him when I was a meal ticket.

I want out of this hell zone in the worst way but I currently have zero financial options or access to any money and I'm terrified that my husband will follow through on his threats to take my children. He has threatened to go to court and tell a judge that I am unable to take care of my kids because of my injury and that I am a drug addict because of the medication I had to take before and after my surgeries. None of this is true which I know but it is still scary.

Day after day I am emotionally being abused. My boys are now seeing my husband yelling at me and are starting to really notice how I am being treated and that I am getting more depressed every day. Obviously this is not healthy or good for them. I have reached out to domestic violence resources and attorneys but none of them can offer me help. My family wants nothing to do with me because I have stayed with my husband over these years and they are fed up with the way he treats me.

I have been living like this for so long and I'm honestly exhausted. I am losing my will to keep up the fight. I don't know what to do. I've done nothing but survive my whole life and I don't want to just survive anymore.

Don't let him hold you hostage. Trust me, I know how that can be, although my situation was different, and I won't go into it now. He controls you out of fear, and you need to get yourself in a place where you have your independence to fight back, whether this means leaving him or not I don't know but he needs to be put in his place and stop holding you hostage. Keep looking for resources. First, find friends that will be supportive when you're home and have them over so that it can be 1. a way to keep him from being abusive (abusers tend to act "right" in front of outsiders) and 2. if he does act out, you'll not be without witnesses. I know your sons see it all but they can't be relied on if he ever pulls the crap that you're unfit as a mother. Your Mother in law needs to go. I know that's probably likely very hard to have happen now but she really is just making things worse.

You've mentioned you're starting to work again? There is NO reason he needs to see your money. he hides the finances from you? CREATE YOUR OWN. Get that job, get your own bank account, leave his name off of it, and start building your own finances. I would say keep the existence of it from him but that's pretty impossible since if you're working, he'll wonder where the money is going. You're in control of where YOUR money is deposited and even as your husband he has no say in where it goes. Ideally it would be shared but clearly he's not sharing himself so no reason you should. With this separate income you can work toward getting help with a lawyer and be prepared for whatever outcome, up to having to leave the situation without the threat of him taking everything away.

You are not powerless, do not let him make you think that! You have rights, just as much as he does. Another thing is, he may not know this but if you divorce and he's pretty much held you hostage and kept you prisoner financially, he'll end up paying you. But you'll need a lawyer.

[cannontide]

Thank you so much for that. I've actually pursued every suggestion you have made (great minds think alike!). I know I am close to getting back to work but the time is killing me. It's funny that you said he controls me out of fear because he actually admitted to that in front of the counselor we went to (I couldn't believe it). I also didn't realize that him acting nice in front of everyone else and nasty to me was a typical sign of an abuser. Thank you for that. Now that I think about it, he does this A LOT and then plays head games with me (that I'm crazy of course) when I bring it up. He has also created so much animosity with my friends and family that most of them have either left or don't want to come to my house because of him and the way he treats me. It's very isolating. I'm fighting every day to regain financial control of my own life. I know this is the key to having healthy options in my life. I feel like I am just wearing down. Which is of course what he wants. I so desperately want things to be different for my boys and myself. Especially around the holidays, it's hard to continue to endure all of this and especially without my family. Thank you again for your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Don't let him hold you hostage. Trust me, I know how that can be, although my situation was different, and I won't go into it now. He controls you out of fear, and you need to get yourself in a place where you have your independence to fight back, whether this means leaving him or not I don't know but he needs to be put in his place and stop holding you hostage. Keep looking for resources. First, find friends that will be supportive when you're home and have them over so that it can be 1. a way to keep him from being abusive (abusers tend to act "right" in front of outsiders) and 2. if he does act out, you'll not be without witnesses. I know your sons see it all but they can't be relied on if he ever pulls the crap that you're unfit as a mother. Your Mother in law needs to go. I know that's probably likely very hard to have happen now but she really is just making things worse.

You've mentioned you're starting to work again? There is NO reason he needs to see your money. he hides the finances from you? CREATE YOUR OWN. Get that job, get your own bank account, leave his name off of it, and start building your own finances. I would say keep the existence of it from him but that's pretty impossible since if you're working, he'll wonder where the money is going. You're in control of where YOUR money is deposited and even as your husband he has no say in where it goes. Ideally it would be shared but clearly he's not sharing himself so no reason you should. With this separate income you can work toward getting help with a lawyer and be prepared for whatever outcome, up to having to leave the situation without the threat of him taking everything away.

You are not powerless, do not let him make you think that! You have rights, just as much as he does. Another thing is, he may not know this but if you divorce and he's pretty much held you hostage and kept you prisoner financially, he'll end up paying you. But you'll need a lawyer.