feel completely invalidated by my parents

This has been a very hard two weeks. I had a concussion two weeks ago then a few days later got in a fight with my mom and she told me to go to hell and I was already feeling very stressed out about school so I was crying really hard and had been feeling suicidal for a few days and when I told her I was feeling suicidal she told me I was just threatening her and that I was playing comedy. I then went downstairs and was feeling completely lost, misunderstood, hurt and ready to explode and stop the pain. I had terrible symptoms for many days after and it made the concussion much worse and I was terrified. I was in bed rest and my parents did a lot for me which was nice. But once again began as soon as I was feeling better. Today my parents were driving me to an appointment and I know the route to the place very well and when my dad was going to turn right I said no straight knowing what I was saying. My mom started to freak out and began yelling. She then put her finger to her head showing that I was crazy then said I was losing it. I could not believe her reaction and I tried my ultimate best to remain calm and to explain to her that I knew where I was going and that no I was no trying to go against her I did not even know she was giving my dad directions until she freaked out and anyways her directions would have brought us on a large detour. She then continued to say that I was reacting because I have too much candida(yeast) in my body. I was so blown away by her comments that I began to laugh. She is the crazy one to treat me this way. Finally we arrived at the place and I was feeling extremely angry. My dad didn't even stick up for me all he said was oh I am always in the middle. The truth is that she lost it on me and blamed everything on me. I began to vent to the lady whom I went to see and she validated what I was going through and reassured me that I had a right to feel the way I do but I felt guilty after for telling her because she knows my parents and the only time I mentioned to a friend about the way my mom treats me when my mom found out she made me feel horribly guilty. Yesterday I was telling my mom about the classes that I was planning on taking next semester and told her that I was worried that if I chose to do kinesiology I would not want to regret It then I changed the subject and spoke of my classes which I am excited to take and suddenly she said haven't you thought about taking a trade? Im in university and if I had wanted to do a trade I would have plus its cheaper for me but I know what I want to do so I feel totally insulted because it feels like she doubts my abilities and throughout the semester when I was having a hard time with a social situation in my personal life she said that I could not handle the classes I was taking which has nothing to do with it. One day she overheard me on the phone with a counsellor talking about my fear of rejection. A few days later I was talking about some exciting things I was going to do with friends and all of a sudden she brought up the fear of rejection and she told me that it was "different". Like wtf? She brought it up again when she mentioned my cousin from Europe who will be coming here this summer and my mom is having doubts about having her come to stay with us and the first reason she stated was that she is worried that I will feel rejected because my cousin is coming with a friend. The real reason she is afraid is for financial reasons but she just had to make me feel bad and like its my fault. She blames me for the fights we have and when I get hurt, she says im oversensitive. She knows that I have bpd and that I am very sensitive but she has not made any changes instead she is very harsh and mean to me sometimes. And many times she will say hurtful things and then when I bring up what she said she will say she never said it and that it is my "perception". It makes me feel powerless. I told my dad yesterday about how excited I was because I figured out what I wanted to go into and it was good news and all he said was "good luck". Good luck? really? So not encouraging at all and he tells me he did nothing wrong. Today I exploded and I am tired of them denying everything they do and not apologizing for the things they say. I got into a fight with my dad tonight and my mom about what I mentioned up top and when I told my dad that another person said it was abnormal he freaked out and said "crazy". I feel really alone and I have no one to turn to and yes I have tried. My sisters have both labelled me since I was a child and they are not supportive at all when I try to talk to them. My one sister and I get along much better lately but the other one has treated me badly in the last year and a half and I am having a hard time forgiving her for what she has done and said but in a way its like I have brushed it under the rug and I am hurting but when she comes over she doesn't know how I feel about her. I tried to dismiss my feelings towards her by inviting her to my birthday a couple of weeks ago but I have terrible anger festering up in me because she has been terribly disrespectful to me same with my mom and dad. My mom denies what she says and sometimes when I have gone to her in tears or to talk about something serious she laughs at me and the situation. I feel like I am not being taken seriously and I want to get out of here. My friends have no idea what goes on at home and I lie and I feel fake. My mom blames me for our fights because she can never be wrong. I have no support at the moment and my psychologist that was really helping me changed to private practice since april so I have been eight months no longer in any therapy but I have tried to get help with no results. It is very hard and I am terrified to even think of getting a job because quite a few of my past jobs went to shits and I had problems with my co workers or even a boss that began yelling at me. I am scared and feel stuck. And I have days where I feel like I never had real teenage years and that I missed out on important years and feel like it was all a waste. I wish sometimes I could go back because I was a completely healthy and happy outgoing child. My mom did mention to a psychiatrist that I was born like this. Well thanks mom but that is not the truth. It angers me that I had to go through so much that changed me and that makes life so unbearable. I am not happy and I do envy people who are independent, free and loving life. I have many regrets and I don't want to look back in a few years and see these times as regrets. I want to travel and I do have dreams but I feel like my bpd is hindering me and It stops me from doing things because I fear things going wrong at work or being in chaos and this kills me because I miss opportunities and I constantly feel like I am missing out. I wish I was normal like everyone else so I could keep a job and feel stable. My home environment is not helpful.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at home. It DOES sound like you aren't being validated at home, and that your parents don't fully understand your illness.

You say you haven't had therapy in awhile. You really DO need a therapist, and I would hope that you are trying to find a new one! PLEASE look for a new therapist and get back into therapy. Having someone to talk to is imperative for you. You aren't ready to "graduate" from therapy yet. And there's no shame in that. Many of us have had to have years of therapy. In fact, I spent most of my adult life in therapy, off and on -- and I'm 63!!! Right now, I'm out of therapy, but who knows when I might have to go back in. LOL
So talk to your parents about getting back into therapy, okay?

And just a suggestion. You might have to develop a "thicker skin" as far as what people say, i.e. your parents or sisters because out in the "real world" people are going to say things that MIGHT hurt or upset you and you can't keep quitting jobs just because someone bugs you or says something that upsets you. Bosses are GOING to reprimand you for mistakes made -- supervisors are GOING to make you mad for blaming you for someone else's mistakes -- those things happen. But you cannot keep quitting jobs because of that. You have to learn how to deal & cope with these things. Bad things happen in the 'real world' and there's nothing you can do to stop it. All you can do is cope with it. That's why you need therapy and thick skin.

I wish you the very best. Make a call to a good therapist. Please take care, and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Hi Lee!

I do agree with you, I do need a new therapist. I am actually on a wait list right now but it could take a few months. And I don't choose the person, they choose me so hopefully I fall on someone good. There is no dbt around here but I had been very lucky because my last therapist(a therapist in another city who I saw when I was fifteen) was really good and had experience with bpd. When he moved to private practice he told me to go to the university to get treatment so I did. But when I went there, the lady told me I could only have a total of 5-6 sessions per year and that they do not do dbt, plus I did not feel comfortable with her. So basically I decided to go downtown and now I am on the wait list. I have tried my best to self help but I do know that I need to see someone really bad but its hard when your broke because your a student and so I am on the wait list. Some people in my last jobs did not just say hurtful things, some became bullies and were mean to me. My last job went better than other jobs that I have had but after I quit I saw two of the girls that I worked with in the street and on both occasions they looked the other way. I felt so hurt and questioned what I did to them because I thought they liked me. But you are right I need to develop a thicker skin, I guess I just thought parents should be more gentle when they know you are sensitive. Do you work? have you been able to keep a job for more than a few months? Please let me know because sometimes I feel out of hope and when I want to go somewhere I get worried for things to go bad again. Thanks for your reply!

No honey, I don't work because I'm disabled. I have severe spinal problems. But when I WAS working, I worked with the public. I was an Optician, so I had to work with patients and some of them were lulus! LOL I stayed at that job for over 15 years. Before that, I was an optician at another office. I was there for 3 years. And before that, I worked for the City in the City Clerk's office as a clerk and payroll manager. Plus I was a part-time cop.

So I had to develop a thick skin from all my jobs really! The public can sometimes be difficult. You have to let some remarks just roll off your back. If you say anything back, you could get fired!

So don't worry about what other people think. Who cares? Chances are they aren't thinking about YOU at ALL. And even if they are, you can't control what they're thinking anyway, so why worry about it? You can't change it. And people like that aren't worth worrying about anyway.

You need to be easier on yourself, and stop worrying about everyone else. When working just concentrate on YOUR JOB and nothing else. No one else matters but the job you're doing, right? Forget all the petty people. Just do your job and you'll do fine. If they start talking about others, just don't take part in it.

Things will be ok sweetie. Just try to relax and not worry about everyone else. Hugs, Lee