[Ladyzero]

I Would welcome your thoughts on this situation. I have an on/off bf for the last 10 years. We've never been 'off' as in a break up, it's just a relationship that's just led no where. I am been depressed and have for the last year stayed in bed, literally. I get up to use the bathroom, maybe shower, get food then retreat to bed. Awful existance. Anyway, I have kept in contact with this b/f through texts and calls daily, and he has never stopped asking to see me repeatedly in the last year. I hold back as I feel a wreck, I've gained weight, my hair needs colouring, I just have let everything slide. I want him to still find me attractive, I just make excuses to not see him yet.

He has never made a fuss of me on my birthday or christmas, and as I don't spend family occasions with him, I barely notice there's no card from him. He's just not that type of guy. Maybe this should be a big deal but it wasn't.
I say wasn't as in past tense, as this christmas I felt it. Why not send a card ? he says he cares about me. I asked him casually recently on the phone and he glossed over it, dismissing it. Well it bugged me, it hurt more so as I've been so low these past months. He admitted he always sends the ex wife a card. There is no love lost or anything there, she's his ex wife, very much ex. the mother of his kids, that's it.

After me brooding on this for a while, 4 days ago I sent him some texts regarding how I felt. Telling him I was hurt, and asking him outright, why a card was too much trouble and how that made me feel. It wasn't a rude, name calling text, just to the point. I asked that he answer my questions.

That was 4 days ago. Now, he's not responded to that text, or countless others. I knew he'd ignore this text, as direct talking isn't his strength. But now he won't even acknowledge my existance even. I've pleaded with him for a call or text. Left tearful voice mails, begging him to talk. For the last 2 days, I must have sent 25 messages, pleading with him that if I meant ANYTHING to him to contact me. Nothing works.
When p*ssed off with me before, he's sulked like this, a whole week can pass and no pleading gets through to him. He knows this hurts me, but nothing I could say would make him respond.

Isn't this childish and hurtful ?

Does he really not care anything for me ?
I have no choice but to wait now, but I'm wondering is that the end ?
My last text tonight, asked that he just pushed 9 buttons and text me , goodnight.
He wouldn't.

I feel stupid that I've sent so many pleading messages, even tearful voicemails. Tomorrow I must be strong and not send more.

Can I hope when ( if ) he stops sulking, he'll talk to me ?
It just hurts, that asking him if I meant ANYTHING to him, to respond and he didn't. Is that just him angry at me ?

How would you handle this childish, hurtful behaviour. He's 53 by the way, not 13.

I know I can only sit it out, but I'm like a kid,
w i l l i n g my phone to beep beep and see a text from him.

Thank you for reading.
Your thoughts ?

[unaluna]

A boyfriend can't be your therapist, and a therapist can't be your boyfriend. I think you need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend. You're not acting like a girlfriend, you're acting like a I don't know what, but it's not a girlfriend. When are you going to make a call for therapy?

[Leed]

Hi Ladyzero ~ You have a right to an answer, and I think he's being a jerk. I'd want to know why I never got a card too, especially when he sends his ex wife one! If he truly cares for you, why can't he send you a card on holidays, etc.? Sheeesh.

Perhaps he's not answering because he feels guilty. Perhaps he's mad that you "caught" him in a bad situation ~ he knows he should be sending you cards, but he just didn't do it.

Whatever the reason, I'm sure he's going to get over it. After a relationship of 10 years, he's not going to "dump" you over this. As hard as it's going to be, just wait it out sweetie. I know it hurts. I know you want an answer now. But you're going to have to be patient.

Why not get up, get yourself all fixed up -- color your hair like you normally do. You'll feel MUCH better once you do. You won't BELIEVE how much better you're going to feel once you doll yourself up. DON'T stay in bed honey. That's just adding to the depression. And what if he stops by? You don't want him to see you like that!!! Get fixed up! You never know what he might do.

Keep us posted, ok? I'd like to know what happens. I care. God bless and I hope to hear soon. Big but gentle hugs, Lee

[Ladyzero]

To Hankster, What you say might be the truth but you sound very blunt and judgemental. I have never been called an 'I don't what' and wonder what gives you the right.
Do you think I live the way I do through choice ?
How were your comments helpful or relevant to my post ?

Leed, thank you. I'll give it some thought. I Can't colour my hair myself, it's long, down my back and it's an afternoon at the hairdressers and £100. Yes, I'd feel tons better, I know. The motivation is just not there. No reason to get up, no job or car even.
I hope he doesn't walk away over this. Just when I pleaded if I meant ANYTHING to him to talk and that still didn't make him respond. That hurts. I always hoped he'd be there, and when I'm better maybe we'd be together again. 10 years is a long time, but we can't just drift as we have done. Damn it, I don't want to be a fwb. I wanted commitment. But now , have I blown it ? Do I just wait now ?

[Insignificant other]

It is childish and hurtful.
This horrible feeling will pass eventually, so hang in there.
I've gone through this and still do from time to time with my hubby and its no picnic.
The loneliness leads to resentment then anger etc. This year, I'm going to focus more on my own wellbeing of my soul and mind by putting myself first for a change.
Already there is a difference here.
I hope and pray you find peace Ladyzero.

[Ladyzero]

Thank you. I. O. , I don't want this to be the end, that's all. To sulk like this for days is childlike. I just have to wait I suppose.

In 10 years card giving has never been an issue for you, but suddenly this year you decided to make it an issue. You've spammed him with texts and voice mails about this now and yet you call him childish. Kind of sounds like the pot calling the kettle . . .

Look, he may send his ex-wife cards because they do have children together. Like it or not, once kids are involved, there is a different kind of relationship there. You describe your relationship with this guy as almost not really a relationship--never going anywhere. There has never been a tradition of his card giving previously, but suddenly you turn this into such a big issue that you spam him with crying voice mails. I suspect he's a bit pissed at your over-the-top reaction to the lack of a card and he'll get back to you when you calm down a bit.

Back off and perhaps consider apologizing for your extreme reaction. Acknowledge his friendship (didn't you say you talk or email every single day?) Isn't that much more important than one card? Consider his point of view. It's like his constant, daily attention meant less to you than getting one card from his viewpoint. Put some perspective on this.

[Ladyzero]

Farmergirl, I thank you for your thoughts but must correct some points. The numerous texts were asking him to contact me, and were not going on about the card issue. I did not over react, merely stated my feelings that I wasn't worth a christmas card. Like I said it wasn't a nasty text, just telling him how I felt. Maybe a bit of thought after such a
s h i t t y year would have been nice. Him sending the ex wife a card is not an issue to me at all. Maybe, if he hadn't sent anyone a card, I wouldn't have felt so bad. But hey, what does it take to send a card ? I'm not going to apologise for telling someone how I feel, why should I ? I didn't make a huge drama out of it, just told him I was upset and asking why. Yes, I value him being there and being patient with me, but as I said, the lack of a card hurt. Why this year and not the others ? Who knows ? I don't think in this situation what I did was unreasonable or childish. For him to sulk for 4 days is childish.

[sesame]

You're upset that he hasn't sent you a card.

Do you think he's upset that you haven't been able to will yourself to spend time with him over the course of the past year? Has he made any snappy remarks to you about you not being able to see him? If he hasn't, I'd assume he may have perceived your reaction as somewhat out of proportion being that he's been waiting for you to be with him this entire time. You want the attention of a card. He wants to be able to give you that attention, but in a more meaningful and interactive way. Additionally, I don't think he cares about what you look like or how your hair looks. It sounds like he just wants to be with you.

[Ladyzero]

I take your points. He knows I want to be with him. I think If I have p*ssed him off, wouldn't it be better to talk about it ?
It's 3am now and I know in a hour he'll be up for work. Normally I'd get a good morning text, now I'm being ignored. I miss him, even though we've been apart for a year. The contact we had gave me hope. How do I get that back again ?

[Ladyzero]

I take your points. He knows I want to be with him. I think If I have p*ssed him off, wouldn't it be better to talk about it ?
It's 3am now and I know in a hour he'll be up for work. Normally I'd get a good morning text, now I'm being ignored. I miss him, even though we've been apart for a year. The contact we had gave me hope. How do I get that back again ?

[Ladyzero]

At 4am today, (now it's 6.30) I broke my resolve and have sent 3 jokey texts. I didn't hear my phone as I was still on here, up all night again, and I looked and there was a text from him, joking back. At last ! He's replied. I'm upset he's put me through this *****. What do I say now. Am making myself wait, to send a reply. What do I say ? I'm not going to apologise, as I just told him simply how I felt.

[Ladyzero]

People have stopped replying but I thought I'd update.
We've texted as usual since, just like nothing happened. That's him all over. Sulks , then carries on, ignoring any issue.
I finally raised the subject tonight as we were talking. He wouldn't discuss it, just said he is not a card person, and has patiently asked to see me repeatedly. Asking doesn't that mean more to me, that he's hung around. Like a poster here said, he said me banging on about a card p*ssed him off. I sent a text, about how I felt, that's hardly banging on, but he felt I made a big thing out of it. He said he sends 4 cards, one each to his kids, his mum and the ex wife gets the cheapest bit of cardboard he finds.
He has a huge family, he's one of 6 kids, and cards are no big deal.
So I apologised but added he should have spoke to me about it, and not sulked. He won't discuss it, and that's the end of it. Fine.
I just am an open person and would rather talk things through. He's a huge sulker, and until he's ready he doesn't budge.
But that's him, like I said, at times,
childish and hurtful !

[RomanSunburn]

I feel that you are very defensive. I also see you calling him names, like childish and hurtful, frequently... I understand depression and how debilitating it can be, but I can see him thinking that you're being childish and hurtful by refusing to see him. I agree, it doesn't help things when he won't talk to you, but you can't force him to talk to you either. Personally, I think you need to start focusing more on getting better, and the relationship will probably fall into place the way you want it. I kind of see you building up walls, instead of focusing on yourself and your own well being. You're just hiding, and allowing your feelings about other things cloud your judgement, letting yourself get upset about things that, I think, logically, you know aren't really important.

I'm wishing you the best luck, and hope you are able to make some positive changes. I know how hard it can be, but we're all here supporting you.

[Ladyzero]

I agree , you're probably spot on with most of what you said. But my depression does not make me childish and hurtful. To ignore contact and sulk is just that.
you speak, a lot of sense, and I take on board your view. Thank you for your advice, and reply

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with you. Depression does not make one childish or hurtful, or lazy or selfish, or any of those things we so often here. What I meant was that he might be thinking that about you, not that it is true.

I'm glad my response was helpful! I really hope things start getting better for you

[Inedible]

Speaking for myself I can tell you that if it gets to be a discussion about the hows and whys I would have all kinds of reasons for not sending cards or texts. It would easily turn into an argument and generally be unpleasant. Or I could just be told, send a card now and send cards in the future for birthdays and Christmases. Just send them. It works much better than trying to convince me to just tell me what to do and when.

[hamster-bamster]

I hope you will get treatment from all angles soon - exercise, a good diet, medication, therapy, socialization, etc. etc.

[hamster-bamster]

Having thought more about it... his sending cards to ex W but not to you and his wanting to see you and texting racy messages to you but not ex W is consistent with his having a supeerficial relationship with ex W and true, deep feelings for you. So it is a good thing rathen than a bad thing.

[Ladyzero]

Well hopefully H.B.
His relationship with ex w causes me no worries. I know he just sees her as the mother of his kids. They are not in daily contact or anything, I don't have jelousy issues there, at all. In fact he told me once, he didn't love her when they married but grew to eventually, I got the impression he was cajoled and caught up in a wedding. Anyway, all history now.
Jeez, I've promised I'd see him tonight. Hope I can get up, find something decent to put on, get ready and lose a stone, all by 6.pm.
Sounds very daunting, and honestly overwhelming. He will surely give up on me if I let him down again. I'm just worried I won't find the strength, shower, hair wash and style, sounds like hard work ! I look a mess and a bit of soap and water won't change that.
I want to see him, just feel a wreck. He says he doesn't care, how I look.
I've just never have looked this rough (or fat, doubt my clothes even fit me now, yikes)
will let you all know what happened.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Ladyzero

Well hopefully H.B.
His relationship with ex w causes me no worries. I know he just sees her as the mother of his kids. They are not in daily contact or anything, I don't have jelousy issues there, at all. In fact he told me once, he didn't love her when they married but grew to eventually, I got the impression he was cajoled and caught up in a wedding. Anyway, all history now.
Jeez, I've promised I'd see him tonight. Hope I can get up, find something decent to put on, get ready and lose a stone, all by 6.pm.
Sounds very daunting, and honestly overwhelming. He will surely give up on me if I let him down again. I'm just worried I won't find the strength, shower, hair wash and style, sounds like hard work ! I look a mess and a bit of soap and water won't change that.
I want to see him, just feel a wreck. He says he doesn't care, how I look.
I've just never have looked this rough (or fat, doubt my clothes even fit me now, yikes)
will let you all know what happened.

You are treating yourself as the evil stepmother treated Cinderella - but you do not have a fairy Godmother so you won't lose a stone by 6 P.M. Just do what you can realistically - do wash your hair but do not style it. Your hair is long so it is hard enough to wash it. You do not necessarily need to style long hair.

[RomanSunburn]

You can do it! You can do it!

Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself or have unrealistic expectations. I'm sure just the thrill of seeing you will matter most to him! He's missed you!!

Try to relax and enjoy being out with him!

Good luck! I hope everything goes great!