[nannywoofwoof]

I think my marriage is broken. I broke it. He said it would be the straw that broke the camels back if I did it, and I went ahead and did it anyway. I think that says it all really. So I must have wanted this to happen, otherwise I would not have done it.
Such a small thing. It was to me anyway, but obviously it was not to him. We really need to talk, but he doesn't do talk well.
If I am honest, we probably always were broken and this has never been a healthy relationship.
I think we are trapped. I cant see either of us leaving, although I will if that is what he wants. I have left before, but he has always taken me back. BUT now we have my two youngest children living with us fulltime, and this is their home and life too. That changes things.
I dont expect replies or interest in this post. I have shared nothing except my sadness - it would take days to explain the last 13 years, and I am writing this for myself really so I can see my thoughts in black and white.
I am sad, but then I have been sad most of my life, and as always it is of my own making.
I would rather this marriage is over than to drag on with this pretence when I have obvioulsy blown it big time. My greatest challenge now is just to get the man to talk and be honest.

[Yoda]

How is the relationship between him and your children? Do they see the problems between the two of you?

In what way is it not a healthy relationship? Does he verbally abuse you or call you names?

[nannywoofwoof]

Thank you for your interest. He tolerates my children. He has never wanted any of his own as he decided at a young age that they were too much trouble. No he is never abusive, he has just withdrawn himself from me, but this is a process that has been ongoing and we are both at fault.
This time, it feels different, and he no longer tells me he loves me.
This probably sounds like nothing, but it a very complex relationship, and we have hurt and disappointed each other so much over the years. It feels that there is no way back, and I will not beg, or plead because apart from going against his wishes I dont see that I have really done anything that bad. I cant spend the rest of my life being a disappointment, and why should I be made to feel as if I am a terrible person when I try everyday to be a better person than I used to be.
He says that I have proved that I dont love him by my actions. I have more than proved that by my past actions, but he forgave me then. I just would like an honest conversatiion. Is it worth going on or not?

Have you tried couples therapy? It may help him talk and the two of you figure out what it is you really want and help you learn to communicate again. You sound mixed up with your actions of upsetting him, but then if its not been a healthy relationship from the beginning then I would more than likely act the same. Do you push him to get a response, test him, or are you pushing him because you want out of the relationship?

I hope things work out between you guys, if this is what you want. I agree that with children divorce is a very hard thing to go through, but then so is growing up in a house where the parents have no love for each other.

[nannywoofwoof]

Yes I push. I always have pushed him. I think he has reached his limit now though. I am confused as to whether I want things to work or not, because I upset him knowing full well that he would react badly and I took my chances.
My main concern has and always will be that this man would be happier without me in his life, and my life would be easier if I did not have to always fell guilty about who I am, what I am, having kids, animals and wanting things that he sees as frivolous and unnecessary. I feel trapped.

Originally Posted by nannywoofwoof

Yes I push. I always have pushed him. I think he has reached his limit now though. I am confused as to whether I want things to work or not, because I upset him knowing full well that he would react badly and I took my chances.
My main concern has and always will be that this man would be happier without me in his life, and my life would be easier if I did not have to always fell guilty about who I am, what I am, having kids, animals and wanting things that he sees as frivolous and unnecessary. I feel trapped.

I would say that kids and animals are wonderful things, that make life lovely. And for frivolous things, well, as long as you're not getting into financial trouble or addicted to shopping, then what's the harm? I think that's really just a bloke thing, as my partner does not see why I buy things that are not just to replace something broken! Men seem to be less interested in anything that's just aesthetically pleasing (unless its the latest TV, like my partner!).

On a more serious note, I think that you have to figure out why you push him. You need to do this, for all of you in your family. It's not fair on anyone to be in limbo, and this includes you. Try therapy, alone or together and try to figure out why you are this way. You do not need to feel guilty for being you, and that sounds to me like you have depression and some self-confidence issues, of which can make us make some strange choices and behave in ways we do not understand. Does your partner put you down at all? I hope you manage to find something that makes you happy and you can make the right choices for you.

[nannywoofwoof]

Thanks for the comments. It is because I have tried to make life happier for my children and myself that he is upset. No money was involved (well £30), and no harm was done to anyone except to him (in his mind).
Thanks for letting me get all this out and for the kind words. I will try and get him to talk tonight, although it is difficult when he has been hard at work all day, and the kids are around.
It would just be good to know that he isn't just waiting for the right time to leave and stringing me along, as I know he did that in a past relationship. If its over, its over and I think we need to be honest.