[cactus lover]

I have a major depression, and because of that, I doubt about my perceptions of my husband behavior. We are stuck, most of the time, in discussions like this, You told me in a bad tone that I should do this or that, and because I told him to do things in a bad tone, (he always says to me), he answered me back in a harsh tone or else, he doesn´t talk to me anymore, or he acts in a violent way, for example, gathered the dirty cloths or the garbage with a very angry mood.
When I tell him that his behaviour frightened me, he says that it is because I talked to him in an angry way, or I shouted at him, or else... anything. So I always am the one that iniciates the conflict and, who doesn´t see is the one causing the problem or the guilty one. Any advice is deeply apreciatte, I am so tired and confused about this.

[optimize990h]

Have you ever considered a marriage counsellor? That way, should be a neutral party offering options to resolve any differences between the two of you. Hopefully, that will be helpful if you think it's what you and your husband would be interested in.

[shezbut]

cactus lover,

I can understand your frustration and desperation to get things between you and your hub worked out. You may want to try repeating what he says back to you in a calm tone and manner.

For example: you say, " Are we going to go to the ___ today?" He replies, "I'm tired of you always wanting to go there! Why are you always bugging me to go there??" Take a slow, deep breath. Then, you speak in a calm tone of voice, "You feel as though I always want to go to ___?" He says, "Yes dammit! I'm tired, I don't want to go there." Another calming breath... then, "I'm sorry. I didn't know that you felt this way. I'd just like to be with you. What would you like to do together then?" If you hub replies that he just wants to sit around and watch tv, offer to leave for a couple of hours to do what you wanted to do. Then, when you get home, you both ought to be a lot more willing to use that time to focus upon one another. Chances are good that your hub's voice will have calmed quite a bit = end of the argument. It works like a charm!

I've used this technique a few times (in major stress moments) and it really helps! The intensity of the argument goes away completely and then you can talk to one another kindly again.

That's what I'd advise you to try before moving onto T. If incidents like these don't help, or they continue to recur, then look into marital counseling. But, I'd try using this technique first. JMO...

Very best wishes to you both...