[mslawgirl]

What’s going on with that boy brain? How harmful is this for me?

It’s been a year since I met an amazing guy, and we've been dating over 6 months. I have allowed myself to fall in love for the first time (I'm 23), and I have fallen hard. I trust him completely and we have so much fun when we get time together. This isn't my first relationship, but the first one where I could see a real future.

GLITCH: He has some deep rooted emotional issues from his past – His heart has been broken and coincided with hard times during his life. He says he is cynical about love. He has had important people in his life be taken by murder and suicide; all abandonment issues (I can relate - I have completed counseling to overcome my own trauma) he says he is dead inside and always will be. He talks about being a husband and father someday though. I see such strength in him though; he’s a full time student, officer in the Army, and one of the best people I know. He says after only 5 months I understand him more than anyone and he can open up with me. However, he starts to feel vulnerable and pushes me away.

ISSUE: Two weeks ago he “broke up” with me saying that this relationship was not going anywhere. He wanted us to be friends no matter what, that I’m too important to not be a part of his life and when he has free time he wants to spend it with me. (What?) He said he has "deep feelings” for me but that he does not and cannot love me because he is so "locked up inside.” He mentioned feeling pressure to commit to me from his family (after 6 months?) and it scared him. He got emotional when he mentioned what an amazing wife and mother I’m going to be. He then said breaking up wasn’t the answer; that I make him happy and he simply wanted us to take a step back from being so emotionally heavy - he cannot process it.

I want to be respectful of what his needs are, but at the same time I know where my heart stands. He requested less demand from the relationship which I’ve given, but has since acted more like a boyfriend than ever before. Mixed signals.

I feel he is the right one for me, but he needs to overcome these emotional blocks. I deserve someone to be all in. So, do I stand by him and help him unpack his emotional baggage? Do I go with the flow and accept we may only be a part of one another’s lives for a short time? Or do I let him go entirely and move on to protect myself?

[MudCrab]

Hello, mslawgirl.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by mslawgirl

So, do I stand by him and help him unpack his emotional baggage?

Do I go with the flow and accept we may only be a part of one another’s lives for a short time?

Or do I let him go entirely and move on to protect myself?

The middle always seems most balanced and safest for me. Think of it this way; if you were to marry, you might be married 50 years so this, being the "beginning" is just part of the up and down of the path. I would sort of combine 1 and 2:

Stand by him and help him unpack this bit of emotional baggage for a short time by going with the flow and accepting, while encouraging/making it clear to him that, together, the two of you can move through this.

I don't think you have seen this before in him so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and see what he makes of it; if it becomes a negative pattern and/or you can't figure out how to help him better, then you let go and move on, but leaving him a better man for having known you.

I am my husband's second wife and when I think of what he was probably like when she met/married him and what the man I love is like today; I'm very grateful to Time, Life, and his first wife If you cannot stay, leave him better off and a better person for his next love?

[jadzea]

Right now I would go with the flow and let him work things out. As he gets too know you better, comes to trust you more and learns that you are not going to hurt him he will unpack his own baggage with a little of your help.

My H was very closed off and unwilling to show emotion when I met him. I just let him be himself. We did things together and spent time together but there was no pressure from me. In a short while we were spending more and more time together, he was opening up and he learned to love and trust again. We have been together a long, long time and he is a totally different man. He just needed time.

[mslawgirl]

Thank you for all of your thoughtful responses - you have definitely given me a lot to consider!

[Leed]

Would he be open to counseling? Perhaps even couples counseling? He certainly need individual counseling!!! Do you think you could talk him into that?

I'd stick by him at any rate and see what happens -- perhaps you can help him get rid of some of these issues. You'll find out before too long. If it's just not working, you can THEN move on if need be.

God bless and I wish you the very best. I hope this works out. Hugs, Lee