[jitters]

So, anyway, it's been long, long, *very* long time since I've dated. And longer still since I've been physically intimate with a guy. I honestly don't remember what it feels like to be kissed...and I am honestly mortified that I just made that confession to the PC world My problem is that I feel profoundly unworthy of love, companionship, intimacy. I've got 10,000 reasons (at last count) why a guy should bypass me in the meat market and pick the next one over, or the one beside her, or anyone besides me, and I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself or if I've done the right thing by removing myself from the dating scene. Not only do I have these lovely treatment-resistant anxiety and depressive disorders, but I've got chronic health issues, as well. I am the total loser package

I'd actually resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life and living in a physical intimacy bubble - can't do hook-ups and just won't go there - until I met this guy. Oh my gosh...it was an instant, intense chemical reaction. And it genuinely seemed as if he felt the same way. It was awesome! Two socially awkward weirdos clicking as well as two socially awkward weirdos can. And then he clammed up, got a bit distant, and I haven't heard from him since I don't know if he lost interest, was consumed by a black cloud of depression, put up a mental wall of defense against twu wuv, or what. All I know is that our brief encounter stirred emotions that I thought I'd buried and left to rot. And now I want it all again...I don't want to be alone anymore. But the confidence just isn't there. I don't feel as If I have anything to offer anyone. I'm broken and defective, a mess from head to toe. I probably always will be. So I guess that means I should give up and crawl back into my dank, echoey underground cave of loneliness, right?

[astenon]

Jitters,
I'm afraid I can't give you the magic cure for your loneliness (partly because I'm looking for the darn thing myself), but I can say this based on someone else's experience in a different thread.

Blokes are not all shallow-minded. You say you have a 'collection' of anxiety and depressive disorders, but a good bloke will see straight through them to the gorgeous, caring, loving girl inside.

Don't give up. That cave of yours will be so much nicer with someone to share it.

Good luck, and if you find that cure, send some my way

[hamster-bamster]

Your post demonstrates an excellent writing ability with superb skill at metaphor use. You are probably an equally good conversation partner, unless too anxious. All you need to start dating is being a goood conversation partner, so with that thing being taken care of, you should be confident enough to start. I am sure you have many other assets as well that you are discounting.

[shezbut]

It sounds as though you saw a light at the end of your tunnel. A glimpse of security and happiness. That is a terrific piece of reality to hold onto!

While the guy that you met may or may not be ready for more is not a major issue. I'd encourage you to hold onto that bit of hope with all of your might! You aren't doomed to live a life completely alone. No ~ you are ready to come out of the dark and take some chances in this world. That is a wonderful big step for you to take. Just keep moving forward. Continue to take steps in getting to know others who sometimes struggle emotionally; and get to know those with similar interests and develop a hobby or two. Those things make the world feel a lot less miserable to you as time passes. Relationships will be built. Just keep holding onto that newly found hope.