Difficult To Move On After Rejection

Several years ago, I met a girl that seemed to like me, which was quite unusual. She said yes when I asked her out for a date, and the way she replied seemed as though it meant as much to her as to me. For a couple weeks she was qualifying herself to me as though she wanted to leave a favorable impression. It's unusual for any woman to pay any interest in me. Days later, she canceled the date over the phone and said she was getting back together with her boyfriend.

I have difficulty seeing other women as good prospects since they just don't have what she has. She was my ideal woman and soulmate it seemed. I compare all other women to her, and I try to find another woman just like her or at least a lot like her. I want a woman with her height, her looks and her personality.

About a year after the rejection, we were once again within close proximity, and she seemed to want me to ask her out again, but I was unsure. She'd often turn around and say "hi" even though there were many other people around, some talking with her and I'd be walking by without any announcement. But then she left it to me to develop anything further.

We've had a few chance almost encounters where she walked by and I made myself preoccupied with whoever or whatever else to avoid a real encounter. I'd hate to have a conversation like "How are you doing?" "I'm doing good.". "How's your boyfriend?" "Good." "Great. Well, see you around." It could have been so much more. Our love could put Anthony and Cleopatra to shame.

Why not take more risks? If you see her again, talk to her and perhaps you'll find that she's single now. How else are you going to find out, unless you talk to her?

Life is about taking risks. We'll never learn anything unless we take risks. And yes, sometimes we get rejected but no one ever died from rejection. It can hurt, but everyone gets hurt at times. You WILL live thru it. And you CAN learn to soothe that hurt. Don't feed it by continuing to go over it time and time again. You need to learn to let that hurt go.

Find something to do, get into a hobby, meet new friends, join a club, volunteer in your spare time. There are a lot of things you can to do "entertain" yourself. Don't sit at home, remembering past hurts -- you'll never get over them.

I wish you the very best Koko -- please take good care of yourself. God bless and keep us posted, okay? Big hugs, Lee

Hi Koko,

That really sucks - breaking a date over the phone! A few things stood out to me on your post. First you wrote she was interested which is unusual. That makes me sad. I think you're not giving yourself enough credit of what you may have to offer a girlfriend. To quote perks of being a wallflower, we accept the love we feel we deserve.

It also stood out that she has a boyfriend in a long term relationship. I would assume she loves this person. Why do you believe you "both" share a love like no other? Was she in love with you or are is this giving you false hope?

It also seems like you set a very high bar of standards for a partner, but I did not read any traits like kindness or having a good heart. If that makes sense. Once I was able to look past finding the perfect man who met all requirements on my list, I married a great guy. Also, it makes me sad of all the potential women you're not meeting while you are fixated on an unavailable person. You sound like a really caring person who is maybe directing all the love into an unattainable place.

I believe the more you can love yourself the more you will maybe be able to move on with your life.

Peace,

TnT

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Erma Bombeck

I feel like you're missing out on what others offer, while fixated on this unavailable person. Do you often want what you know you can't have?

How great is she if she broke up with you on the phone? I think you should leave room in your heart for others, maybe she's just playing the field, or maybe you should have some fun and converse with other women and get to know more of them

I think you have a fantasy relationship going and until you can give up what you thought you saw (people with personalities you want to be with don't break up with you on the phone, go back to their old boyfriend, and then flirt with you later) and your focus on the outside of the person and get to at least becoming friends with other women and seeing the variety out there and how wonderful it can be, it will be impossible for you to find someone else.

Rejection is rough, but I think that lovelace has a good point. Why do you think the rejection hurt so bad? what are your thoughts?

Look, Cleopatra had many lovers. Use her example.

I'd like to, but she didn't just reject me, she ran away from me into the arms of a former boyfriend. Yikes, what did I do? The next year when I was on temporary assignment within proximity of her, the first day we saw each other, she complained of having a back ache. I think she broke up with her boyfriend, and wanted me to massage her back. But it was too much for me to do that the first time seeing her again.

I don't know if she'd want to speak with me again because the last time she walked by me in a store, I focused my attention at a store counter away from her and let her pass by without saying anything. She might have taken that as giving her a cold shoulder.

I cried in my pillow for months after the rejection, but I have been busy with things on a day to day basis and no longer cry over it. However, I do think what if from time to time.

It's rare when the feeling is mutual for me. My life is like that J Geils song. She seemed to be in love with me. The way she looked at me and smiled and blushed when I asked her out all seemed to indicate so. One thing that attracted me was she's very kind to people, except this phone breakup thing. It may have been over a chance misunderstanding. I arranged for us to meet at a restaurant on a Sunday, that I later found out was closed on Sundays. She later spoke of another restaurant nearby with enthusiasm, but I said why don't we just go to that restaurant for our first date. If she looked it up in the yellow pages, she may have been disconcerted.

Good question. I don't know if love is always rational.

That's good advice. I have a predilection for a certain kind of woman physically though. All of my girlfriends have had this physical thing in common. There's not a lot of that type around where I live though, and not many single women.

It probably hurt because I thought it was my only chance since I haven't met anyone else of interest since moving here. And because I thought she was really into me.

The next year when my job assignment brought me back into proximity, she did seem to have second thoughts. During the last week of my job assignment, she passed by me several days in a row and said "hi". I said "hi" each time, but on the final time, I said it in a different tone of voice, lower and mechanical. When she was well past me, she turned around with a hurt expression on her face. That was the last time we spoke.

The prior year, after the rejection, I greeted her the next day with a "what's up?" cheerful kind of attitude, and somewhat flirted with her as she passed by. I tried to leave a good impression, so maybe we could get together later on. The next year, she seemed impressed by some other work that I was doing, and seemed to be interested in me again, but then she kept somewhat of a distance for a couple months until that final week when she walked by and said hi. I didn't want to be rejected again so I didn't try to initiate anything, leaving it up to her to move beyond hi.

That is very limiting. Especially if it is a rare trait. Can you try to expand your range at least a bit?

Koko, I am sorry to hear of your struggles. Another thing that leapt out at me with your bit about knowing her for just a couple of weeks.
You've had no time to get to know her properly. You do not know all her faults, her bad habits. Who's to say that had you dated for another couple of months, or a year or so, that those things would've driven you mad? You may have even broken it up yourself?! Who knows. And that's the problem, you didn't know each other well enough. Sorry to say, but I think you've built her up as a kind of superwoman, and believe me, nobody is like this, ever. So the problem is that no woman will ever live up to the expectations of a superwoman because its not possible.

I know that our feelings can be irrational where the heart is concerned. I'd try so very hard to try and get over her.. and allow someone else into your life - but wipe the slate clean in your head and let her be her own person. She may just wow you! Good luck & hugs.

very well said... be open to new possibilities and give other women a chance to impress you...

Thanks, I don't really have any choice. There's not many singles around here though. The offerings are really quite slim.

That is a different problem. You seem to be experiencing the following distinct problems:

-- you idealize one specific woman despite the fact that you do not know her well

-- you have a very narrow range of what is attractive to you physically

-- you have a hard time dealing with being rejected

-- you live in an area where there is a deficit of single women

Since those are all distinct and largely unrelated problems, perhaps it makes sense to handle them one by one - pick one that seems easiest to solve and work towards a solution. Say, spend time in a larger city if you have one nearby to be exposed to more single women.

If she doesn't come out and say anything or if you don't state your true feelings, you will never know what may be. Without properly communicating, this can go nowhere. I once let my soulmate slip by because I didn't say anything. Don't let that happen to you. You will regret it. I've never been one to regret anything except not speaking when I should have.