Boyfriend Doesn't Understand Depression

I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager (I am in my 30's now). I don't have a lot of experience in relationships. I was single for a very long time before meeting my current boyfriend. We've been together over 6 months now. We have talked about a future together, about moving in together etc.

Lately, I have felt that my depression is relapsing. I have talked to my boyfriend about it and find he's really cold when it comes to depression. He was not supportive of me when I told him about it. His mother suffers from depression and is honestly pretty narcissistic and negative-and don't know if his cold response to me is because of the way he sees her. The problem now is I feel I can't talk to him. I feel like now I can't mention having a bad day or not feeling well mentally or feeling anxious. I feel like now he's going to be just getting upset with me whenever I talk about anything, and that I need to just keep it to myself. And I know-that you can't make a relationship work when things are like that. I know we are at that "just over six month" mark where relationships do start to get strained. I don't know. I just feel like this is going to destroy our relationship.

I have so little experience in relationships. I don't know what things I feel are normal and what are not. I have felt so in love with him, but lately am questioning things. But I wonder if I am questioning things because we have seriously talked about moving in together. I tend to freak out inside when things get intense and I don't know if my feelings for him lately are part of that. I just wonder if it will work? There are parts to him that I don't like-mainly just that he works too much and is always tired and we don't end up doing much, and I worry that I will get completely sick of him.

But I also wonder if my feelings lately are really my depression clouding everything. Maybe I just don’t feel as in love with him right now because I don’t really love much right now.

Hi Misfit ~ and welcome to Psych Central! I'm sorry you're suffering so. You do sound miserable.

I've also suffered from depression most of my life, so I know what you're going thru. I would suggest that you talk to a therapist before you consider getting married. I would imagine that this is effecting your relationship because your boyfriend has lived with depression with his mother for many years, and he's tired of dealing with it -- so he doesn't show any support or sympathy. I can see how he would be sick of it after having to hear about it for years.

So ask your doctor to refer you to a good therapist and learn how to deal with the depression -- he will know who to refer you to. You won't regret it, believe me. Once you learn how to deal with depression, you'll be much happier!! And you'll be more sure of your emotions.

I wish you the very best -- please take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Hi.. funny you say this.. I just got into an argument with my boyfriend cause I was saying something about how my car insurance sucks and I can't wait to drop them.. he got a pissy tone with me and walked out the back door... We have been together 2.5 years and he still does not understand me.. all I ask is that he be supportive of me. He tells me " I am so sick of your negativity all the time".. and yes I am negative .. what do I have to be positive about .. anyways.. I totally get where you are coming from and it hurts so bad to know the one person who is supposed to be there for you isn't and is blowing off your mood swings just because he is simply sick of it ... Sucks

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Uhhh.. anyone have the same issues or any advice that could possibly help us in these situations

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Jennyfer,

The bottom line is this, if you don't suffer from depression, you don't understand how crippling it can be. Most "normal" people in my life seem to think that my episodes are something that I can just snap out of. Seriously, if it were that easy, we'd all do that, right?

The only thing that I can recommend is dragging him to your therapist if you have one, and try to get her to explain how he can be more supportive. It could be the case that he doesn't know how to deal with it, and he is acting out in frustration. Imagine this from his side - you are in a relationship, trying to make someone happy who suffers from a chemical imbalance that makes it next to impossible to accomplish this.

If he isn't willing to try to figure out to be more supportive, you may need to re-think the boyfriend.

Just my two cents. I've run plenty of men off with my crazy. The right one will stick around and learn how to deal.

Stay strong, much love.

Thank you

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Thanks for your support. I meant to send a message sooner thanking everyone who replied. I am feeling a little better. Thank you,

I also have struggled with chronic depression since childhood - now at 24 the illness has come on in full force in the past 3 years. I met my current boyfriend during an isolation period. Soon after the start of our relationship, my anxiety and depression hit rock bottom. At first, he didn't understand at all, and pretty much ignored it. I soon realized that once I educated him, he would not judge me. I do not seek comfort or advice from him, because my depression is brought on by itself, and there just is no explanation. I feel what's best for US is him seeing me through it, giving me time to recover. I cannot expect him to snap me out of it.

Most importantly, depression usually goes hand in hand with withdrawal, anxiety, and loss of sex drive (which meds make even worse) - so I'd say it is normal for someone like yourself to have doubts, especially after the "honeymoon phase."

Explain the facts to your partner so he can understand what you suffer with, but don't bother going into detail about every thought you have about it. Use your diary or therapist for venting to prevent damaging your relationship. If you two are compatable, he will learn gradually how best to support you. It takes a long time to REALLY know someone.

Hope this helps.

Your boyfriend may still love you very well. But partners do not solve our problems. We must solve them. You must not think he has a cold heart, because if he loves you he has not. He simply doesn't understand what you are talking about.
He may have experienced that sometimes depressed people seem too obsessed with themselves and their problems.
Don't take bad his reaction.
Don't you think you can step out of depression and then have other problems to discuss with your boyfriend?