[Emmagrace]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We currently live in a home together with my 2 children from previous relationships. Most of the time, things are great and we have a lot of fun together. We have a lot of shared interests and our personalities are similar. However, we fight a lot. And when we fight, it gets bad. There's a lot of resentment and bitterness and the past gets brought up frequently. Most recently, I have been ill with a really bad flu. I hadn't been sleeping much and had been awoke by the dogs for the second night in a row in the middle of the night. The second night this happened, I got angry and vented my frustrations to him. He in turn brought up a situation from almost 2 years ago where I was "talking about him behind his back to a friend" (I believe this is normal - venting to friend - and he believes it's disloyal. Since then, I don't vent to anyone about him anymore). He kept pushing it and pushing it - Saying the same thing over and over every minute or so while I was sick trying to sleep until I finally just couldn't take it and elbowed him. I know that is not right. He then threatened to call the police and have me removed from my house with a restraining order (mind you my child was there). I apologized and admitted I was wrong and tried to move beyond it, but he continued to be mean to me. The next morning, he tried to say sorry to me and make up, but it was always followed by mean words and bringing up the past. He called me a *****, said I'm a low person, said I'm a mean person and everyone knows it, said I'm an awful person, and I have no class. Keep in mind I have the flu. The reason I was venting to that friend in the first place is because he was on dating websites while we were exclusively dating - which he still has not admitted to. He also ended up getting a ride home from his ex who "destroyed his life" one night when he was drunk. He came back home because I found him and then slapped me about 10 times, laughing each time. He maintains that I am lying about that. He has slapped me sober as well. In fact the other night was the ONLY time I have slapped him without him slapping me back. There have been times I have very playfully smacked him and he's hit me back hard. I guess I don't know what to do. I have a lot invested in the relationship. I feel like I would be destroying my children's lives if I were to leave. We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and town. And like I said, most of the time when we are not fighting things are good. Can someone help me?

[LovelaceF]

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation. This slapping, fighting and disparaging behaviour is totally unacceptable.

So, there is an anger problem here. There are boundary issues. There is a lot of reactivity and neither of you are keeping your cool.

When things get tense, you will need to try to de-escalate the anger and tension. That could be done by leaving the room, telling him calmly that you can't speak to him while he's angry, then going in the bathroom and locking the door, or sleeping in the guestroom or on the couch.

If you get a hold of your own temper, you can also try carefully and calmly listening to what he's saying and then repeating it back to him to try to solve the problem. Let him have the last word. Don't retaliate. Don't accuse. Just let him say what he needs to say without taking it personally (hard, I know).

For example, if you calls you a *****, tells you that you're low, etc., you ask him to explain. You can tell him that you'd like to hear more about what you've done to make him think these negatives. Then you can either explain it from your side, sympathetically (tell him how you understand his viewpoint, if you say something that he doesn't agree with, let him correct you). When he's done talking, you can agree with him, just acknowledge that you understand what he said, or apologize.

You two sound like you could benefit from couple's therapy a great deal. I wish you the best.

[Kate King]

I agree with Lovelace- made many good points

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm not sure where this relationship is going to be honest. I know you say most of the time things are "great." But if you fight alot, how can things be great?

When kids are brought up in households like this, it teaches them that striking another human being is ok. And if you have sons, it is going to teach them that hitting a WOMAN is perfectly fine. Hitting ANYONE is WRONG -- no one has the right to put their hands on anyone else. And yet you two are doing it. Plus the language you're using isn't great either. When they get caught swearing in school, guess where they're going to say they learned it?

Someone is going to end up getting hurt in these fights -- or else arrested or both. You two have got to STOP this.

You need couples counseling BADLY and soon! Otherwise, this relationship SHOULD end for the sake of these kids. They shouldn't be brought up in an environment like this. At least think of the kids even if you don't want to think of yourselves, and get counseling!

I wish you the very best of luck -- and I really do hope you two make it. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee