[LovelaceF]

So, my mother is a difficult person. She suffers from many symptoms of mental illness, which make her challenging to relate to and hard to predict.

Her behaviour bothers my husband acutely. She is a bit of a recluse and generally avoids family interaction. However, she sometimes chooses to attend holiday family gatherings. Easter is coming up and I'm nervous about it.

Her symptoms include many traits of schizophrenia, though she has never been formally diagnosed. She has never been to therapy and refuses to trust doctors.

The following are traits that really bother my husband:

She has false beliefs, remembers things that happened to other people or conflates stories that she's heard from several sources and weaves them into a new story which she will then accept as real. She sometimes has poor hygiene and/or smells. She dresses in whatever is laying on the floor at times (not always, she does care for herself well sometimes). She feels persecuted by people sometimes and can become very upset if she thinks people are trying to hurt her, even when it isn't true.

On the other hand, she also has lots of positives. She's a gentle person, cares very much for her children and tries to do her best by them. She tries to be helpful, and cooperative. She has a kind heart. She can be quite funny.

My husband would never say anything unkind to her, but the last couple of times that my mother has been over, she's done things that really bothered him. She's broken things, told stories about me to our children that weren't true, had a dramatic emotional outburst telling her mother she doesn't understand why she hates her so much, etc.

I am uncertain how to proceed. I am not going to ask my mother not to come, so the only thing I can do is to try and smooth things over with my husband. Your thoughts on how to handle the situation would be appreciated.

[Leed]

Your husband SHOULD be old enough and mature enough to handle this situation. Can't he understand that she's ill? Can't he see that she just isn't her "old" self? What's the matter with HIM?

I would think that he would be gentle with her, and understanding. I would THINK that he could overlook these things, especially since she doesn't come over that often.

If he's that immature that he just can't handle it, tell him to go in the garage and work on the car or something. LOL I'm sorry to blast your husband, but I think he's being immature about this, and acting like a spoiled kid who can't get his own way. It's pathetic that you have to "smooth things over" with your husband just because your Mother is coming for Easter!!! Tell him to take a hike. LOL

Hugs, Lee

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by Leed

What's the matter with HIM?

I'm constantly asking myself that same question.

He really is intolerant of people sometimes, and not just my mother. I don't know why or when this happened. It's a recent development.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by Leed

Your husband SHOULD be old enough and mature enough to handle this situation. Can't he understand that she's ill?

I don't know. I'm thinking about it, and I really think that this attitude may be the prevailing American response to schizophrenics. I mean, most people seem to be frightened and disturbed by some of this behaviour - particularly the delusion type stuff.

Examining it further, I think my husband must feel very uncomfortable and nervous because he doesn't know what will happen - which could be dangerous. My mother isn't violent or dangerous, but she has done things that unintentionally put herself or other people in harm's way. We moved back to my home town about 8 years ago, and he's been exposed to her more and more since then. Before that, there was just the annual Thanksgiving dinner which she hardly even showed up to.

How much "exposure" do you think he gets? My boyfriends father and mother are not ill, and they are good people too, but they can be exhausting and I really don't want to see them more than once every other week.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by AndreC

How much "exposure" do you think he gets? My boyfriends father and mother are not ill, and they are good people too, but they can be exhausting and I really don't want to see them more than once every other week.

LOL...Good point! We see her probably 1-2x a month.

[hamster-bamster]

Lovelace, to the best of my knowledge, which is probably outdated, therapy would not be effective anyway. She needs a doctor - an MD. If she would not see an MD, too bad, and this problem cannot be solved. So the only problem that can possibly be solved is the husband's attitude. Maybe you can offer him to read information about the disease, including the information on how people afflicted with the disease often resist all attempts at diagnosis and intervention? Maybe he would then stop thinking that she is lying/weaving tales and realize that she has a malfunctioning brain?

[Confusedinomicon]

Can you talk to your husband about a way you can keep the two away from one another? Or maybe ask him why he is so concerned with her? You can't understand what's going through his mind without asking.

[KittyKay]

All good advice. To me, sometimes men are just nervous when it comes to situations like these. You have received really good thoughts here.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Can you talk to your husband about a way you can keep the two away from one another? Or maybe ask him why he is so concerned with her? You can't understand what's going through his mind without asking.

I have talked to him about this, but he's not a big "feelings" guy. He doesn't analyze things like I do. He just says "it bothers him" or he "doesn't like it", or he "wishes she wouldn't come over so much". It's really no more in depth than that.

I guess that we could make excuses for more alone time, it's just that I feel guilty about leaving my mother alone for so long. My sisters have all left town so there's nobody to care for her now but me, not that I do much of it in the first place.

[Confusedinomicon]

Never a bad time to learn to be expressive. You can't help the situation if he gives you short answers. Demand more. Ask him to write it down if need be.

There is no way that you can be bothered by something and not have an inkling why. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.