[Kate King]

I am sick and tired of all my friends having babies like rabbits, having romping sex, and being in relationships where they just can't get enough of each other. That's terrible to say, but it's where I am right now.

My husband tells me I am disgusting to look at. Obviously, we NEVER have sex (unless he asks me to give him a blow job). He is back into porn (which makes me sick to think about because it degrades women so, so much...that is just my personal opinion, it's not an attack on anyone AT ALL). Granted, I have a severe eating disorder that I am working SO HARD to beat. I am up 15 pounds, but I am still severely underweight. Still, DISGUSTING? Really?? Maybe think it in your head, but come on, saying it directly to the person with already the lowest of low self-esteem?

I don't even need to tell you how awful our marriage is. I am kicking myself for making such a HUGE mistake. I knew before I married him that I didn't love him, I was just so caught up in my eating disorder (and he was perfectly fine with it, so it made it easy to continue) that when he asked, I just went along with it. My therapist (and everyone that knows about us), tells me to get out of the marriage. But something within me just can't let it go.

Maybe it's my Christian faith never wanting to deny God His power to "fix" anything. Maybe it's my fighter personality. Maybe it's the guilt and shame. Maybe (and this is probably the bottom line), deep down I would feel like the biggest failure in the world and I just can't live with that. I don't know. But I am so, so tired of the marriage counseling, the praying, the self-help books, and everyone else telling me how blissful my marriage should be and how I am the one that needs the help, because, after all, I am the one with an eating disorder and suicide attempt!

I'm sorry for venting (if anyone actually reads this pathetic whatchamacallit), but I just needed to get that off my chest in writing instead of bent over the toilet with my finger down my throat like usual.

I feel so trapped.

[hamster-bamster]

You need to get out of the marriage. There are plenty of men who like skinny women. There is no point in your suffering.

Plus, you did not love him in the first place. There is no point in giving blow jobs to somebody you do not love at all; it is a total waste of time and effort, and, it must be unpleasant.

[estel]

You will leave only when you want to. One of the hardest thing to let go is being in an abusive relationship. Sorry, do not want to sound mean or judgmental. But I have been there too....hoping against hope that maybe the other person will start treating me right. One thing I like to say, admitting failure is actually courage...rather than living in false bravado. Tomorrow I am going to start seeing a therapist because I know I need help, unlike the other person who can abuse me but won't get help.
If you do not love him, are not happy with him, one day you will leave. You do not deserve that emotional abuse. Sure if you are attempting suicide you need help, but that does not give your husband the right to say or do what he likes. He should be your partner, through sickness and health. That is marriage.
I don't know if this made you feel better or worse. But I wish you the best!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Kate King

Maybe (and this is probably the bottom line), deep down I would feel like the biggest failure in the world and I just can't live with that.

Kate, since 50% of marriages result in divorce, statistically speaking, you will be part of the 50%. I do not see how that would amount to being the biggest failure in the world.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Kate King

I am sick and tired of all my friends having babies

You do not want to get pregnant while you are married to this man and you do not want to get pregnant while anorexic (I assume). These two problems need to be solved before you can think of babies.

[Kate King]

Thanks for your posts. It's helpful to hear that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. Hamster- never ever ever would I even think about having a baby like this (possibly even ever). I would never put ANYONE through all this crap (and my crap), especially an innocent, defenseless child.

Estell- thanks for your thoughts. I will be thinking about what you had to say, especially the being brave for admitting failure part...hmmm...

[Leed]

Dearest Kate ~ Please don't think of yourself as a failure. And please don't keep bashing yourself about the marriage. I also married someone I didn't love, and stayed in the marriage for 26 years, because I was Catholic, and because of my kids. It was the worst mistake I could have made!

Please get out of this marriage while you're still young. You have time for happiness. And it will really HELP your eating disorder. Right now you're struggling to survive.

So get out while you can sweetie. PLEASE! Your health depends on it. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[avlady]

I also say get out of the marriage as soon as possible, I know i stayed with my son's father for 5 years, unmarried because i only stayed with him because I got pregnant after a few months of being with him, we lived together and were planning on getting married. Things will just get worse, the longer you stay. You need some Me time, and shouldn't allow him to degrade you to the point where you're at now. I was mentally abused and pshysically abused, he tried to ruin my reputation, degrading me in public etc...I think as soon as possible you should get out even if you have to plan and save money for it to get an apartment etc...

[tinyrabbit]

You're not crazy. So here's what I would like to ask: what do you need to help you leave? Knowing you should or want to doesn't mean you just can. What would help?

As to wanting to allow God to fix it. Did you hear the story about the man who gets stuck on an island and refuses to get on a passing boat or a helicopter because he says God will rescue him? He dies, and he asks God: "Why didn't you save me?" And God says: "I sent you a boat and a helicopter!"

Maybe it's time to change your perception of what it means to let God fix something.

You are right when you say that you need help. But not in the way you mean, which makes it sound like you are the problem, or that it's your fault.

Think about what would help you leave. Tell us. We can help you figure it out in small steps that aren't too scary. Whether it's something in your head, or somewhere to go, tell us what you need.

You don't need people to tell you to leave. You need help to figure out how.

[THE16THDOCTOR]

Do you want to have sex or initiate it and he's a jerk abt it? Or does your eating disorder make you not want to do it?
Regardless that is horrendous that he says that to you. Also he's enabling a serious problem. Terrible.
As far as your faith, God wouldn't want you to be miserable. Look at it from a different point of view. God wants you to be strong and leave him for the better. Not that you're committing a sin.

[Kate King]

Originally Posted by THE16THDOCTOR

Do you want to have sex or initiate it and he's a jerk abt it? Or does your eating disorder make you not want to do it?
Regardless that is horrendous that he says that to you. Also he's enabling a serious problem. Terrible.
As far as your faith, God wouldn't want you to be miserable. Look at it from a different point of view. God wants you to be strong and leave him for the better. Not that you're committing a sin.

I would love to have sex, but not with him! If/when I try, he just pushes me down on him. And we NEVER kiss during sex ever. It makes me feel like a *****.

[Kate King]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

You're not crazy. So here's what I would like to ask: what do you need to help you leave? Knowing you should or want to doesn't mean you just can. What would help?

As to wanting to allow God to fix it. Did you hear the story about the man who gets stuck on an island and refuses to get on a passing boat or a helicopter because he says God will rescue him? He dies, and he asks God: "Why didn't you save me?" And God says: "I sent you a boat and a helicopter!"

Maybe it's time to change your perception of what it means to let God fix something.

You are right when you say that you need help. But not in the way you mean, which makes it sound like you are the problem, or that it's your fault.

Think about what would help you leave. Tell us. We can help you figure it out in small steps that aren't too scary. Whether it's something in your head, or somewhere to go, tell us what you need.

You don't need people to tell you to leave. You need help to figure out how.

TinyRabbit,
That's just it! I don't know HOW to leave. I am working on the religious "laws" that I have always held to with my therapist. And I get what you are saying about the man on the island. I think about that a lot. I mean, even if I go based on the Bible, God does make an exception on the bond of marriage. If someone is unfaithful, we can get divorced. A couple of years ago my husband and I separated because it was such a volatile situation and my eating disorder was getting so bad. He went back into his porn (which in my mind, and this is not a judgement on anyone else, but in my mind that's being unfaithful; I had a one night stand (not proud of it, but it happened). So, even the Bible would now permit us to get divorced. I'm just not to that point of letting the God thing go I guess, and I am not sure how.

My aunt (who is divorced) once told me that the reason that got her past the God thing was telling herself that she would rather answer to a loving God who made her, than to have to answer to her husband. That makes sense to me in my head, but I am not quite there yet to where I can accept that for myself. This makes me mad, I wish I was there!!

I guess I am starting the process by getting healthy for myself. My therapist tells me to think of it as preparing myself for the future, whatever that looks like. Since then, I have gained 15 lbs! (still have so much to go, but that is for another time and another forum lol). I recently got my meds changed too which as made a difference with the depression.

BUT, it is just plain DEPRESSING being in this marriage.

Any ideas on where to start the process of getting from point A to point B, I would really appreciate and take to heart.

I just need help!

[tinyrabbit]

I am not Christian (am a non-practising member of another religion but don't think that's relevant) and think people get very hung up on the whole no-divorce thing and miss all the stuff about loving and honouring each other and themselves, and protecting themselves and each other from harm.

What you have right now isn't what a marriage should be. It sounds like a very slow, agonising form of suicide. I don't believe in a God that wants that for you. At the end of the day you are free to decide for yourself how to interpret the bible. It's between you and your God. And if you believe he's a kind, forgiving, loving God, can you find room to believe it's okay to protect yourself?

Also, a suggestion. You could start preparing in small ways now. Open a secret account and put bits of money in here and there, if you can. Collect up your paperwork (passport etc) and put it somewhere safe, and/or make a list of info you would need like insurance stuff or whatever. Pack a bag. Look up some stories or articles about women who have left.

Then, when you think: "Okay, I'm ready to leave," you won't have to prepare as you will have done it already. Start small. One little thing at a time. Get into the habit of thinking you're preparing to leave. You have to train your brain to do new things, that's why we talk about forming habits as it forms pathways. You need to start forming the I Can Leave pathway in your brain. One day you'll be ready to follow it and you'll have it there ready to follow.

[jadzea]

I am not going to address whether you should leave or not. I am going to ask you a question. How much is your lousy relationship with your husband and the abuse you are experiencing contributing to your eating disorder? You cannot have a good relationship with anyone until you are healthy and feel good about yourself. Forget about him. Do what you need to do to make you well and then work on relationships with others. You are number one in this case and you should concentrate on number 1.

[LovelaceF]

I think when someone feels trapped it's because they know that they need to escape. Ending a bad marriage is not a failure IMO, it's a success. You don't deserve to live with mental and emotional torture for the rest of your life.

[Kate King]

Tiny Rabbit,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's nice to actually be given concrete ideas of how to start the process. yes, most of it is mental, but the concrete stuff will help in that way too. I appreciate you taking the time to leave your feedback. I'm going to really be thinking about what you said.

[Kate King]

Thanks jadzea and lovelace. You have made some good points. If I am really going to actually take care of myself, I need to do it in the marriage aspect of my life as well. I have been focusing so hard from recovering from the ED, from the attempt, from the sexual abuse, and while we have been going to marital counseling, it has all been about restoring the relationship. I haven't taken care of myself when it comes to my husband. Hmmm...maybe posting my frustration is the start of something new??? I will need so much support and help. Thanks friends! ((hugs))

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Kate King

I would love to have sex, but not with him! If/when I try, he just pushes me down on him. And we NEVER kiss during sex ever. It makes me feel like a *****.

Ok, so you have intact drive despite the disease. That is good news, then you just need another man. That problem is much easier to solve than the problem of not wanting sex with anybody due to underlying disorder or malfunctioning hormones.

I also do not understand how you can go down on him, in practical terms. Going down on a man requires passion, dedication, focus, and physical movements. Where do you get. Those and the energy in general if you do not have feelings for him? I can see just staying there in a missionary position and letting him do all the work... for that you do not need passion because it is so passive.

Plus, to PUSH you to go down on him is extremely RUDE. In the OP, you said that he ASKED you.

If all you get from your attempts to initiate sex is forceful pushing and your feeling like a *****, stop initiating sex and either find a family lawyer or contact legal aid, based on your income situation.

[hamster-bamster]

So you suffered from SA on top of everything...

How are you planning to recover from SA while essentially submitting to nonconsensual sex acts???

[Scotty204]

Sounds like the toxic marriage is a major factor in your eating disorder. Divorce does not mean failure, sometimes two people are just not compatible. Leaving is never easy either and it takes time to properly prepare. If you are not obligated to stay such as a lease or mortgage and have steady income it makes things much easier. Do you have somewhere you can temporarily stay?

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Kate King

Tiny Rabbit,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's nice to actually be given concrete ideas of how to start the process. yes, most of it is mental, but the concrete stuff will help in that way too. I appreciate you taking the time to leave your feedback. I'm going to really be thinking about what you said.

Good luck. And keep talking about it here as much as you want to. (((Hugs)))

[Kate King]

Hampster-

Thanks for your thoughts. In regards to going down on a man, I don't know, I just do it to get it over because I feel bad for him having to live with me. Pathetic. Blow jobs can be done without passion though (at least for me).

About the SA, Idk the answer to your question. I have never, ever really admitted to myself or to others that it happened, so I am just now starting to get help from my therapist on it. How it relates to my marriage hmmm...let me think on that. I'll keep you posted on that one.

I really appreciate your thoughts, you make me think about new things, new ideas, etc and that helps me grow.

[Kate King]

Scotty,

The mortgage and our business is in both our names. The CC are in my name, but he somehow made himself the only one that can do anything with them. When we had the separation, he cut off all access to them so I had nothing, no cash or anything. So, money would be an issue that I don't know where it would come from. I work for our business. I could easily get another job though, thinking about it.

One of the main reasons (unfortunately there are so many) is that he has threatened to take my dog...my dog is my life. Even just writing that makes me cry.

I my mind I am pathetic and a failure because I had more balls to graphically kill myself than to leave my "marriage." I feel hopeless.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Kate King

Scotty,

The mortgage and our business is in both our names. The CC are in my name, but he somehow made himself the only one that can do anything with them. When we had the separation, he cut off all access to them so I had nothing, no cash or anything. So, money would be an issue that I don't know where it would come from. I work for our business. I could easily get another job though, thinking about it.

One of the main reasons (unfortunately there are so many) is that he has threatened to take my dog...my dog is my life. Even just writing that makes me cry.

I my mind I am pathetic and a failure because I had more balls to graphically kill myself than to leave my "marriage." I feel hopeless.

You are not pathetic. Leaving is a pathway, not one quick move.

I don't know about over there, but here you can get free advice from a lawyer for half an hour or an hour, or go to Citizens Advice. I suggest you get some advice about how to sort all the financial stuff, rather than being suddenly cut off.

Other ideas: start quietly looking for another job. And did you know there are people who foster animals for women leaving bad relationships who can't take their pets immediately? Worth looking into animal fostering or seeing if a friend could take your dog. Or you could take the dog with you straight away. You don't have to figure it out yet. The thing is to be prepared and work out your options.

[LovelaceF]

The bunny has given you some great advice. I know when I had to leave my ex, I got help from lawyers and the archdiocese, who had a program to help women escape abusive situations. They advised me to do much of what tiny rabbit said: quietly prepare, put a plan in place, etc. They also said that I should not, under any circumstances, let my ex know where I was going. There is help out there if you look for it.