[atk007]

Hi,

My girlfriend (now ex) dumped me 2 months ago, and honestly I should be over her by now, but for some reason I can't. May be I still love her, I tried to talk to her, but she won't talk to me. I am a Researcher and PhD candidate, I am 28 years old and I like to think that I see things very rationally. That is why it bugs me that why I still feel sad.

I think one of the reason that bugs me is how she broke up with me out of a sudden. I asked her several times, she just gave me the same answer that she didn't feel it anymore. How can she not feel it anymore where the night before she broke up, she told me that she loves me like hundred times again and again. I feel like she is running away from her feelings.

anyway, the past 2 months have been really hard on me, I suffered in work, in sleep. I tried many things, like keeping myself busy in work and exercise, going out , socializing, even getting together with another girl. Nothing seems to work, I just cannot keep my ex out of my head. I am constantly thinking about her all day long, it is hard to keep my head focus on work. But somehow I did managed to work by keeping her out of my head entire day, at night when I go to bed, she is there again. If I take sleeping pills, she is in my dreams. There hasn't been a single day that I have woken up not thinking about her. Keeping her out of my head is hard work, It takes effort and stresses me. I cannot do that for a long time, whenever I put my guard down, her thoughts rush back in. I am in serious pain and it is affecting my work. I hate to admit, but sometimes at night when I cannot asleep, I cry my eyes out. I have become emotional and bitter, and I become sad easily.

At first, I was content to get her back, win her back somehow, because I do miss her a lot. But now I just want to get back to normal, even If I have to forget her. I cannot live like this anymore. I do not know what to do. Can anyone tell me how can I make this stop.

[Confusedinomicon]

Try to give yourself closure...

Like write a letter and talk about the confusion etc. (Then burn/rip/etc) Or see the school counselor since unis usually give you a couple free appointments.

[whoswho]

I was in a similar situation not too long ago, so maybe sharing my experience will help.

My ex and I got along really well, but the timing was all wrong. We both knew it in the beginning but decided to make the best of the time we had. So when we had to part ways, it was really hard. Inevitable, but hard. And something in me kept up this silly hope, like we would meet again somewhere and everything would go back to the way it was. Rationally I knew this was completely idiotic, and in all likelihood, we will never ever see each other again.

I always think of myself as being a "logical" person, so when I know something, intellectually, I become easily frustrated that my emotions don't follow suit. OK, I know this relationship is OVER, there is NO CHANCE, it certainly could have been handled a little better at the end, but in the end it really doesn't matter. So I know it's over--why can't I feel better? NOW?

I think being impatient with myself only made it worse. Because I really did, and do, still miss him as a person. I am no longer tortured by thoughts of him or anything like that, it doesn't feel "painful" when I think about him, so overall I think I would say I'm "over" him. But a few months ago, it was a different story. It interrupted my sleep--which still hasn't gotten back to normal--and my work and my ability to socialize with other people. I was never present in the moment because I was off thinking about him, good or bad.

Two months isn't a long time. It seems like it should be more than enough time, thinking from a rational point of view. The problem is that your feelings could care less about reality and logic and sensibility. Once I realized it would take "as long as it takes," I started to really feel better. It was amazing, because I would say it took about 6 months (I know horrible!) to get to this point, and as soon as I really accepted that my feelings would take as long as they wanted, the effect was almost immediate.

So it has nothing to do with you being an intelligent, rational person. And your intelligent, rational self cannot fix the problem. That part is already settled, I think. Now it's your emotional self's job. The more your rational self pushes your emotional self to hurry things up and to be sensible, the longer it will take to actually get over her.

It's definitely hard work, so cut yourself a bit of slack. Like I said, it took me forever to get over my ex also. Some people just really make an impression I guess.

Just my two cents. Good luck!

[Leed]

Hi ~ I agree with "who'swho" -- two months isn't a very long time. You are trying too hard too.

You have to think differently. What you're going thru is grief. You have to grieve the relationship, much like you'd grieve a death. And when you grieve a death, it takes longer than 2 months to get over it.

Why not talk to a grief counselor? It's not unusual to talk to one about the loss of a relationship. They will certainly understand. You can contact one thru Hospice. They have great grief counselors, and I'm sure they'll be happy to talk to you. I highly recommend them. And you won't regret talking to one. The loss of a relationship really effects everything in your life, as you well know.

So give them a call and set up a time. There is a fee for this, but I really don't know how much. I doubt it's very much but I'm not sure. Please let us know how you do, will you? We really do care! God bless and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry to hear about this. The fact is, nobody is obliged to stay in a relationship, and everyone is allowed to change their mind, even if it hurts.

I'm going to quote the TV show Spaced: "You're gonna be fine, you'll spend a long time thinking you wont be, then you'll wake up one morning and you will be. And then after a while you'll miss the fact that you're not cos it's almost scarier when you are, cos at least when you're not you've got something to cling to and then, after that, then you're gonna be fine."

You won't feel like this forever. Do consider counselling, it could really help.

[winter4me]

kudos to all responses.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by atk007

Hi,

My girlfriend (now ex) dumped me 2 months ago, and honestly I should be over her by now, but for some reason I can't. May be I still love her, I tried to talk to her, but she won't talk to me. I am a Researcher and PhD candidate, I am 28 years old and I like to think that I see things very rationally. That is why it bugs me that why I still feel sad.

First off, as Lee and others have said, your timeframe is off. 2 months is precious little time.

Secondly, feeling sad is a feeling and you cannot treat all your feelings rationally.