[unambitiouswalls]

Peacan is my dream girl. I won't even try to describe what she means to me. Ok, i will. I once told her it was like the whole world was transparent (imagine being able to see through everything, nothing was solid... except you and her). So even if I was miles away, I could see her, in my minds eye, through all the walls and trees.
The idea of losing her for good is beyond ridiculous. I really love the idea of raising new peacans with her, and I don't love much in life.
I've never felt such total and deep love, loyalty and attention from someone, even my parents. That's what tied me to her.

Yet I am not with her. I have not been with her for the past two years. I am the other side of the world.

I am not with her because I see beautiful girls and cannot resist. I don't buy into usual morals and beliefs- I've always formed my own way and repressing my feelings has always been something perturbed and unnatural to me, whether anger, guilt or sexual. My sexual drive inclines me to attempt to realise my copulation-potential. I have had low self esteem, which I have been working on and expect to be better... and my ambition is to copulate with the most beautiful of girls. But I still think about her all the time. I cannot stop and I cannot go. Being tied to her yet not being with her stops me being fully present. Being with her yet not being free leaves me feeling trapped.

I have a sense that I would be slowly making the biggest mistake of my life were I to lose her, I sense that maybe I really don't appreciate deep down what I have with her... she often said this herself... on the other hand I wonder whether I am just too scared to let go and move on. When I feel like she is slipping away I pine for her. When I feel she is still loyal to me I can't help but focus on my other drive and keep her at arms length. It's kind of narcissistic isn't it? I've tried to fight it but don't know how.

Ps She is in her early 30's and so desperate for children and I am 6 years younger, which is probably significant.

[Leed]

So like the old saying goes, you want your cake and eat it too, huh? You can't have it all.

Why are you on the other side of the world? And how can you expect to have a relationship with someone when you're that far apart? It's ludicrous. Do you ever expect to BE with her for good?

I don't know what you're asking here. But you can't keep having sex with every beautiful girl you see, and expect to keep this Peacan. She'd be crazy to wait for you!! Besides, you're liable to give her an STD!!

You might want to go into therapy and see why you feel you have to conquer every gorgeous woman you find. This isn't normal, my friend. Plus feeling like Peacan is supposed to wait for you isn't quite "normal" either. So why not get into therapy and talk about this. I hope you will.

Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[unambitiouswalls]

We have not been together for two years! So we don't have a relationship.
I am not having sex with every beautiful girl I see or nec want that but I suppose I do not feel content with the sex life I have had.

I know I 'shouldn't' be doing both, which is why i was honest with her about it and we decided to split up two years ago... problem is I can't but think about her and not be able to connect with another girl. She is the same I think, she can't connect with another.

So therapy re wanting to have sex with every girl I see won't help. And therapy re thinking she is supposed to wait won't help, because I don't think she is 'supposed' to wait.. it's just she kind of is because she doesn't want to be with anyone else.

What I am asking is for some advice from an outside perspective, perhaps from someone who has been in a similar situation and has the benefit of hindsight.

[unambitiouswalls]

Don't think so, hamster. There are many girls willing to have short term flings, particularly in the club scene.

Having willing sex with someone is not using them. That's a very twisted and restrictive conception of sex you'd have if you thought so.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by unambitiouswalls

I have had low self esteem, which I have been working on and expect to be better... and my ambition is to copulate with the most beautiful of girls.

Suppose you have met your goal. You have found a girl whom you deem the most beautiful and she has agreed to copulate with you despite your outrageous vocabulary and your low self-esteem. What would be your next steps? Your next ambition?

Just curious if you have ever tried to plan that far into the future...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by unambitiouswalls

Don't think so, hamster. There are many girls willing to have short term flings, particularly in the club scene.

Having willing sex with someone is not using them. That's a very twisted and restrictive conception of sex you'd have if you thought so.

I was not talking about the duration of the fling. I was talking about the vocabulary. If you actually use the word "copulate" in your interactions with girls, beautiful or average-looking, does not matter, and still get them to agree to have willing sex with you, I am in awe of your talents.

[unambitiouswalls]

Oh my GOD. A splayed open heart with years of hurt and stagnated attention poured out... of all the various emotional responses you could have had to the essence of my situation... you turn this into a critique about the cursory choice of one f'ing word?? People like you with that sort of inexplicably, laughably displaced attention are unwelcome in all spheres of life.
I don't even pity you... you are something unknown to me, yet something I wish to know nothing of.

[Confusedinomicon]

Why don't you see if she will open her heart to you again?

You sound like you aren't satisfied with your current lifestyle and the only reason you don't want to be with her is the potential pressure of having children. If you spent the last two years thinking about her despite meeting all these other people...sounds like love in the purest sense.

In the end I think you either need to cut all contact with her and let yourself move on completely or go back in. Doesn't make sense to live in limbo. You'll be reallllly hurt (mores then now) if she meets another guy and they end up getting married and you still love her as deeply as you do. Don't live with regret.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by unambitiouswalls

Oh my GOD. A splayed open heart with years of hurt and stagnated attention poured out... of all the various emotional responses you could have had to the essence of my situation... you turn this into a critique about the cursory choice of one f'ing word?? People like you with that sort of inexplicably, laughably displaced attention are unwelcome in all spheres of life.
I don't even pity you... you are something unknown to me, yet something I wish to know nothing of.

Word choice is in general not cursory, and with something like that, not cursory in particular.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by unambitiouswalls

you turn this into a critique about the cursory choice of one f'ing word??

If you are interested in the degree of "cursory", I can tell you that I have been reading this board for many months every day, and nobody but you has used the word "copulate". My memory is flawless so it is not the case of my forgetting that anybody other than you has used this word.

Think about that: on a forum designated to the discussion of relationships (and relationships very often involve what you call "copulation") everybody but you has been able to use better words/word combinations to describe this essential part of most relationships. Even people who have posted while going through severe distress have been able to use better words. You do not seem to be going through severe distress or crisis - you are contemplating various approaches to a long-standing problem, without pressing deadlines.

Obviously, the extent to which you find this unusual word choice "irrelevant" is up to you.