[LovelaceF]

It seems almost silly as a 30 year old f. to ask this sort of question, but it's really been difficult for me. I have not made a new close friend in years. I don't know why, exactly. My last close girlfriend moved away some time ago. Another girlfriend and I drifted apart, mostly because I got a feeling that I couldn't trust her and started to decline her invitations.

I am not having trouble finding people to talk to, or potential friends. It just seems like I can never connect with people on the level it takes to make a friend. The last time I went to a playgroup with my daughter I felt completely uncomfortable with the other moms. I felt out of place and like we had absolutely nothing to talk about other than our kids.

I didn't have this problem when I was younger, or if I did, didn't notice it because I had plenty of people around. In some ways I think the problem might be that I can come across as being less-than-empathetic to people. No matter what I'm feeling, I tend to try to stay calm and keep my wits about me in daily life. Perhaps that makes me unfriendly in some way.

What do you all think?

[hamster-bamster]

All my close girlfriends my age are from childhood and adolescence. They live far away, but I visit and talk to them. I am just resigned to the fact that I may be unable to form similarly close friendships later in life.

It's a billion dollar question, how to make friends as we get older. And I think hard to answer as everyone is different and people value different things in friendships.

If you say you do not come over as empathetic, then try and change that? Sometimes people do not want to hear solutions to a problem (something I try to do too) and would rather just be able to sound off and hear sympathetic noises. Perhaps you could try working on that? And also a bit of your confidence - if you felt completely uncomfortable with the other mums, perhaps try and hide it a bit. You may come over as stand-offish, if you know what I mean. It stops people approaching you. I should imagine too, that on the surface, that most mum's at a playgroup just talk about their children. Am sure if you went back for a few weeks, you'd start to get to know them a bit more.

The other thing I try to be is light hearted and friendly, with a smile on my face. I do find friendships harder as you get older tho, as everyone has their own life, families, old friends, schedule etc, and it seems that there's not always room for another.

Good luck and hugs.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Sometimes people do not want to hear solutions to a problem (something I try to do too) and would rather just be able to sound off and hear sympathetic noises.

That's true, for sure! If I see someone having the same problem over and over, I feel like I need to say something about possible solutions. Sometimes I will bite my tongue or just say "awww....come on, let's do something fun" instead of worrying about this or that. I could see that as coming across as insensitive, maybe.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

if you felt completely uncomfortable with the other mums, perhaps try and hide it a bit. You may come over as stand-offish.

That's something that I've always dealt with. I'm shy, and always have been. I have to take a big gulp of air before I can even begin to talk to a stranger, male or female. People have said that I appear to be aloof. I guess that is what it looks like when I'm trying to stuff my anxiety into a box and pretend to be normal.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

The other thing I try to be is light hearted and friendly, with a smile on my face.

The weird thing is that in the town that I live in, people simply don't smile at strangers unless they're trying to get a date out of it. When I moved here a few years ago, I noticed that other girls would give me a weird look when I smiled at them, so I started trying to figure out what the problem is. Apparently, people just find it creepy if a stranger tries to talk to them for no legitimate reason.

What's a real life friend?

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by Maranara

What's a real life friend?

For me, just someone who will sit with me over coffee and dish about life, husbands, kids, ladies at bridge club, etc.

What about you? What do you think a real friend is?

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

For me, just someone who will sit with me over coffee and dish about life, husbands, kids, ladies at bridge club, etc.

What about you? What do you think a real friend is?

Technically, I know what one is.

Had a friend last year. First one in 15 years. Lasted about six months before I messed it up beyond repair. Not willing to try again. I'm too dysfunctional to have real friends. That's something I need to learn to live with.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by Maranara

Technically, I know what one is.

Had a friend last year. First one in 15 years. Lasted about six months before I messed it up beyond repair. Not willing to try again. I'm too dysfunctional to have real friends. That's something I need to learn to live with.

I don't believe that anyone is too dysfunctional to have real friends. I think it's a matter of finding the right person. Finding a compatible person might be difficult, yes, but not impossible. Or, that's what I keep telling myself at least.

What happened?

i haven't really made that many close friends since i started my freshman year in high school. there are so many lameos that you just don't have a lot in common with. the reason I don't befriend them is that I don't easily give in to peer pressure. Come to think of it, there really isn't that much peer pressure now that newbies are arriving in our school. It seems a lot better now than it was before. Freshman year for me was quite lonely. I didn't have that many friends, and I always envied certain people for making a bunch of friends before I did. I was like this is unfair, how come I have to take the initiative when people just come to them? Really, the world just isn't fair. Sometimes I just can't stand how society treats people. Why ostracize me and befriend those people? or is it everybody just trying to fit in by saying the things that others want to hear? cuhs i'm just not that stupid. It's a waste of my time.

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

I always envied certain people for making a bunch of friends before I did. I was like this is unfair, how come I have to take the initiative when people just come to them?

Don't underestimate body language. We speak loud and clear without words.. A friend of mine who is intelligent, witty, successful, and very nice, far better a person than I, told me years later that she hated that I made friends easily when we were younger. She said that people would come up to me and want to be my friend. She didn't think back at how she was tho - she would be sitting in a corner of the pub, body language showed she was closed and wary. She is a great friend, but she was more suspicious than I and it took her longer than I to trust people. I was always friendly, open and always smiling in my youth. This is attractive to others, always was, always will be, and nothing about me being a better person.

Envy, being wary, lack of confidence, shyness - all these things we show in our body language.

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

The weird thing is that in the town that I live in, people simply don't smile at strangers unless they're trying to get a date out of it. When I moved here a few years ago, I noticed that other girls would give me a weird look when I smiled at them, so I started trying to figure out what the problem is. Apparently, people just find it creepy if a stranger tries to talk to them for no legitimate reason.

What a real shame that folk are like that. Strange isn't it how geography changes things? I've noticed that too..

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

I don't believe that anyone is too dysfunctional to have real friends. I think it's a matter of finding the right person. Finding a compatible person might be difficult, yes, but not impossible. Or, that's what I keep telling myself at least.

What happened?

BPD is what happened. We constantly push people away and pull them back, are volatile with them and we manipulate them until they can't take it anymore and walk away.

[avlady]

making friends is hard especially if you have trouble being consistant, that's what i've learned, but it is because of my mental illness, i think. I find it hard to be there for others when i have so many issues that come before my friends, i think they understand, but i never get to make a steady friend as they move away to different places, have their own families, it's hard for me too as i live on a dead end street on a small hill where nobody ever is rarely seen. i sort of like my privacy but would like to get to know more people, i'm sick of having to say goodbye to friends and neighbors, but i guess life goes on for them too.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Don't underestimate body language. We speak loud and clear without words.. A friend of mine who is intelligent, witty, successful, and very nice, far better a person than I, told me years later that she hated that I made friends easily when we were younger. She said that people would come up to me and want to be my friend. She didn't think back at how she was tho - she would be sitting in a corner of the pub, body language showed she was closed and wary. She is a great friend, but she was more suspicious than I and it took her longer than I to trust people. I was always friendly, open and always smiling in my youth. This is attractive to others, always was, always will be, and nothing about me being a better person.

Envy, being wary, lack of confidence, shyness - all these things we show in our body language.

Hmm…I've talked about this enough times to know that everyone else will disagree with me, which is fine, but I don't agree with the body language thing.

People don't 'read' body language, they make assumptions based on what they see, and those assumptions can be wildly inaccurate. In fact, I don't think they have enough accuracy in them to warrant consideration, but, again, this is all my opinion. People have told me that I come off as angry or unhappy because I don't smile or laugh much, but that's not reading me, it's an assumption about me. Just because I don't express myself with lots of smiles and laughter doesn't mean I am angry, and that's why I hate it when people buy me stuff, because they expect this excited happy response and I can't do that. It doesn't mean anything about what I am feeling. Just means I don't express myself the same way.

You can't possibly tell if someone is confident, shy, wary, or envious from looking at them; it's all assumptions. Someone could be having a bad day, could be tired, could have difficulties expressing themselves, a lot of reasons.

Again, others will disagree, and that's fine, but this is how I see things. Instead of always making judgements I think it would be better if people were more open and talked to each other.

Fortunately, I find that older folks don't seem to have this issue, and that's why most of my 'friends' are in their 50s and older. None of them are remotely concerned about 'body language' and whether someone is confident or not. I would imagine their response to something like that would be, "Welcome to being a human," that there are lots of folks with low confidence and mental health issues and that this shouldn't be the defining factor to be around someone. Older folks are so much easier to be around and talk to!

No problems, it would be a very dull world if we all agreed on everything! I do believe in body language, and there's been many studies in it and its commonly thought of as a fact.

But I do agree with you that people also make judgements on people's appearance and what they see too.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Don't underestimate body language. We speak loud and clear without words.. A friend of mine who is intelligent, witty, successful, and very nice, far better a person than I, told me years later that she hated that I made friends easily when we were younger. She said that people would come up to me and want to be my friend. She didn't think back at how she was tho - she would be sitting in a corner of the pub, body language showed she was closed and wary. She is a great friend, but she was more suspicious than I and it took her longer than I to trust people. I was always friendly, open and always smiling in my youth. This is attractive to others, always was, always will be, and nothing about me being a better person.

Envy, being wary, lack of confidence, shyness - all these things we show in our body language.

i do come out in the open, it's just that there are so many cliques in high school, you know? or at least that's how i perceive it, because one time when i first relocated to this city--i don't even want to talk about it--I joined this huge group of strangers and only a few of them were genuinely friendly. the others just turned on me, like they were asking me to leave and that i didn't belong there. they were asking all sorts of questions, which wasn't always easy to reply to. Like you didn't expect this. So I just made several attempts to stay in the group, but then i left, because they all were so unwelcoming. They're honestly really messed up. I guess they haven't been in my shoes before.

Ahh.... school. Can I say children are cruel? And without wanting to sound like your boring old auntie, those people, the cliquey so and so's are probably not who you want to have as friends anyway.

Its hard moving while at school, I've done it a few times in my childhood and it can be tough. Are there any clubs at school that you can join? Perhaps you may meet more like-minded folk there who will end up being your friends.

Good luck.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by avlady

making friends is hard especially if you have trouble being consistant, that's what i've learned, but it is because of my mental illness, i think. I find it hard to be there for others when i have so many issues that come before my friends, i think they understand, but i never get to make a steady friend as they move away to different places, have their own families, it's hard for me too as i live on a dead end street on a small hill where nobody ever is rarely seen. i sort of like my privacy but would like to get to know more people, i'm sick of having to say goodbye to friends and neighbors, but i guess life goes on for them too.

Haha...that sounds exactly like MY street? Are you my neighbour?

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous

Hmm…I've talked about this enough times to know that everyone else will disagree with me, which is fine, but I don't agree with the body language thing.

People don't 'read' body language, they make assumptions based on what they see, and those assumptions can be wildly inaccurate. In fact, I don't think they have enough accuracy in them to warrant consideration, but, again, this is all my opinion. People have told me that I come off as angry or unhappy because I don't smile or laugh much, but that's not reading me, it's an assumption about me. Just because I don't express myself with lots of smiles and laughter doesn't mean I am angry, and that's why I hate it when people buy me stuff, because they expect this excited happy response and I can't do that. It doesn't mean anything about what I am feeling. Just means I don't express myself the same way.

You can't possibly tell if someone is confident, shy, wary, or envious from looking at them; it's all assumptions. Someone could be having a bad day, could be tired, could have difficulties expressing themselves, a lot of reasons.

Again, others will disagree, and that's fine, but this is how I see things. Instead of always making judgements I think it would be better if people were more open and talked to each other.

Fortunately, I find that older folks don't seem to have this issue, and that's why most of my 'friends' are in their 50s and older. None of them are remotely concerned about 'body language' and whether someone is confident or not. I would imagine their response to something like that would be, "Welcome to being a human," that there are lots of folks with low confidence and mental health issues and that this shouldn't be the defining factor to be around someone. Older folks are so much easier to be around and talk to!

I find it to be true that people judge others based on facial expressions and body language. They seem to be able to do it within a split second, too. If I'm grumpy, I'm sure it shows. The thing is, though, that I don't mistreat people when I'm in a bad mood. I just withdraw from them. I think there is some sort of "bat signal" that one sends out that we want to be left alone. Unfortunately, certain people seem to give off the signal at the wrong time, unintentionally, when they don't actually want to be alone. Being human is tough sometimes!

[luvinglife2012]

I have learned in my 50 years of living that there are dry spells in friendships. I have had several and I am going through another right now. I take this time to look at myself and evaluate what I offer to another and what I would like to get in return. Right now, I am looking for people who have similar interests as mine, who are fun and want to explore the world, I am looking for people who desire to grow in their lives. I have joined groups, taken classes, and make myself available.

I truly believe in being exactly who you are, changing yourself won't bring the right kind of friends into your life. Just continue being who you are, smile because YOU want too, learn to be less forthright in your opinions to new people and allow yourself to be more honest with those who know you better. Friendship is about sharing who you are with people but only in doses that the other can handle. Try to find a bigger group of people to interact with so that you can broaden the possibilities.

When you make mistakes see them as learning moments and don't let others keep you from working towards getting your friends. Keep on going!

Lastly, learn to be your own best friend first. Treat yourself as the best friend you are seeking. The BFF will follow.

[justme1980]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

It seems almost silly as a 30 year old f. to ask this sort of question, but it's really been difficult for me. I have not made a new close friend in years. I don't know why, exactly. My last close girlfriend moved away some time ago. Another girlfriend and I drifted apart, mostly because I got a feeling that I couldn't trust her and started to decline her invitations.

I am not having trouble finding people to talk to, or potential friends. It just seems like I can never connect with people on the level it takes to make a friend. The last time I went to a playgroup with my daughter I felt completely uncomfortable with the other moms. I felt out of place and like we had absolutely nothing to talk about other than our kids.

I didn't have this problem when I was younger, or if I did, didn't notice it because I had plenty of people around. In some ways I think the problem might be that I can come across as being less-than-empathetic to people. No matter what I'm feeling, I tend to try to stay calm and keep my wits about me in daily life. Perhaps that makes me unfriendly in some way.

What do you all think?

This sounds so faimalur to me except im the one who moved away from my old best friend but also feel the same way about making new friends its difficult for me to do so also its hard for me to open up to people becuase the fact i've been hurt to much and betrayed by people most close to me so its hard to trust what im saying is it might be that your not letting anyone in becuase you just simple dontt trust alot of people its not that your to calm or unwanted you just shy people away by not trusting them which this may not be the same for you but just relax a lil bit dont be so tense and try to open up a lil you dont have to tell them your whole life story but try to trust someone and online is a good way to make friends may not be realisict but its someone to talk to.....