[stinkinmamateeters]

My uncle molested me dozens of times over the course of two years when I was ten and eleven. He used reward and punishment to control my self-esteem and to hide his seemingly familial preference of me over my sister, and now I know what he did to me is still affecting my life.
Last night my boyfriend of three years with whom I have a 2 year old daughter with found out I have been secretly chatting and exchanging nude photos and sexual stories with men on the internet. He understandably felt very betrayed, thinks I do not love him, and I need help or advice on what I should do.

I know I care for him, but have been questioning the reality of our relationship since it began. I got pregnant after knowing him for three months, I moved away from my family and my whole life changed because I thought I was ready to begin a family with a great guy. And he is a great guy. But I have flaws, self esteem issues, depression, anxiety, sexual addiction, and many repressed thoughts, memories, and emotions, that I feel are preventing me from treating him the way I should. I have explicit and casual conversations with men online because I think it makes me feel desirable and just fills the hole my uncle dug out in my subconscious brain years ago. I have tried to stop the internet "cheating'' but when I go long without a fix, I get very depressed and life seems meaningless.

I want to stay with my boyfriend, but I don't at the same time. He's a nice guy, but I keep thinking he does not deserve to be hurt and lied to by me just because I feel the need to commit virtual adultery in order to be happy. I also feel like i deserve better sometimes, as he is not very able to comfort me when i seek it, after three years he still does not understand me the way i have tried to allow him, and i feel i deserve a guy who can at least try to help me feel happy about myself. When I am happy I am able to make him happy, and we seem to be a perfect couple. If I stop 'cheating' I will not be happy, he will not be happy, and the relationship will be meaningless. If we split up him, I, and our daughter will suffer. If we stay together, at least one or both of us is going to be hurting.
He says he would like for me to stop 'cheating' and be unhappy for the same of our family, but I do not find that to be a rational, kind, or loving idea.
We love each other, but I no longer have faith in our love. It seems like we are both just now realizing we are not who we thought we were, but we are both still scared to lose the other. Where do we go from here?

[hamster-bamster]

Have you ever tried exchanging sexual stories with the bf though? Maybe it is at least worth a try.

I actually think that if you give it a try, you might discover something quite fascinating for yourself, because those anonymous men from virtual reality are black boxes and he is your true bf, in flesh and blood, and you may actually know what turns him on so you can probably write great stories for him.

[Leed]

Bless your heart -- What your uncle did to your was TERRIBLE. You were an innocent CHILD and this should never have happened. You know this, right? And you know this was NOT your fault! You had NOTHING to do with what happened! He should go to jail for what he did. Plus he is probably doing it to other young children!

Sweetie, you need therapy badly! You deserve to be happy WITHOUT cheating on the man you love. You need to deal with these issues that you have and get them taken care of. They are too serious for us to help you with here. Your doctor can refer you to a good therapist as he knows who is the best in your area. So please call or visit your doctor and get a referral. I URGE you to do this. You'll never be happy in a relationship if you don't get some therapy.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us updated on your progress. God bless you and take care. Hugs, Lee

[astenon]

I agree with Lee, it sounds as though you would benefit from therapy to find that hole your uncle dog and fill it with positive, constructive feelings.

Hamster's idea was brilliant! Why swap stories with anonymous people, when you can swap them with the bf? Maybe show him your post to explain that you know it seems weird and you've hurt him, but you want to address it. From now on, he will be the destination for your stories and you'll seek T to address the cause.

Hello and welcome. It's nice to meet you
I'm not qualified to analyze you or tell you what is right but I think you are missing part of the picture here.

He says he would like for me to stop 'cheating' and be unhappy for the same (sake?) of our family, but I do not find that to be a rational, kind, or loving idea.

I'm not seeing how your expectations that he should allow and condone your cheating are rational, kind, or loving. I'm also not seeing the connection between adultery and happiness. I'm a pretty open-minded type of guy but I'd have a hard time accepting that my gf needed to cheat in order to be happy. I'd feel betrayed.
I think the logical place to go from here would be therapy. Good luck.

[Rorisan]

Oh honey, I am so sorry. I was abused physically, sexually, and psychologically by my biological father when I was 4. The resulting post traumatic stress continues to find new and interesting ways to present itself in my life. Everything about my life goes back to that moment.

The loss of innocence in such a manner is incomprehensible to those who have not suffered it. My childhood was lost to an incredibly cruel inner voice that sought out every flaw, every imperfection in myself to explain why this atrocity had been visited upon me. What are the things about me that made me so easy to debase, objectify, and use?

Perhaps the most profoundly affected area of my life has been my sexuality. I lost my virginity to an older man who dosed me and raped me in front of a room full of fellow beasts. Those two things - I think I seek to recreate and control the situation in my fantasies. My desires are dark because it is not the feeling per se that I want - it's the desire to experience this and not feel victimized.

As such, it is hard to for me, and I think most like us, to indulge the men that love and respect us with these. Because we don't want to take them to that place with us. Most men, in my experience, can't keep up, and that has a horrible effect on a relationship. The absolute worst thing that could happen to me is to have the man I love debase and objectify me. I could not take it.

On the surface, sharing the fantasies with your boyfriend is preferred. I think I get why you don't want to, though. When I was in therapy and doing much better, the predominate suggestion is to find other women to talk to. I would try that before unleashing all your dark thoughts on someone who has just been hurt by discovery of the manifestation of said dark thoughts.

If you can't afford therapy, they do have a 12 step program for sex addicts. I've never been, but they do exist.

Hang in there, honey. It's a long, hard road out of hell. But at least there is a way out.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Rorisan

If you can't afford therapy, they do have a 12 step program for sex addicts.

I've never been, but they do exist.

Well they do exist, but all sorts of things exist and cults exist and what not - so what?

How would a shallow, cookie-cutter/mass marketing approach that lacks evidentiary proof and inculcates powerless help with dealing with such deep wounds???

What is the point - OP said that "My uncle molested me dozens of times over the course of two years when I was ten and eleven." so the uncle ALREADY took away her power back then and you want a 12 step program take away whatever power is left over?

You probably do not know what you are talking about. You probably have noticed the word "sex" in the title of the programs and automatically assumed that they are relevant while they are not.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by stinkinmamateeters

He says he would like for me to stop 'cheating' and be unhappy for the same of our family, but I do not find that to be a rational, kind, or loving idea.

I agree with you - he seems to treat you in an inhumane manner and lack compassion for you.

You are not cheating on him since he knows of your exchanges with anonymous internet users. If he could articulate in what ways your exchanges with anonymous internet users hurt him, that would be helpful in clarifying his position.

Initially you lied to him but you are not doing that anymore so right now you are being truthful.

I do not know whether your chain of attributions is true (nor do you know) - it is probably for a deep and ongoing discussion with a therapist. I do not know whether your chain of attributions (that you need the exchanges to feel wanted and you want to feel wanted due to the abuse etc.) is valid because I have heard of a lot of people doing what you are doing and probably not all of them have been abused so much. I personally do not understand AT ALL what you are getting out of the exchanges with anonymous internet users, but since you need them and depend on them so much, there must be something important that you get out of them.

IF your chain of attributions is true, then the exchanges with anonymous internet users are your crutches.

If you go to therapy, that would be like long term treatment whose ultimate goal is to get you to walk on your own without using crutches.

If he is trying to force you to stop using crutches RIGHT NOW, before the treatment has taken place and has resulted in a positive outcome=no need for crutches, then he is being inhumane, because forcing a person who cannot walk without crutches to fall on the ground by giving up the crutches is inhumane.

Again, if he could explain what sort of unfathomable and pervasive damage your stories cause him, that would help see what kind of person he is.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by stinkinmamateeters

Last night my boyfriend of three years with whom I have a 2 year old daughter

I know I care for him, but have been questioning the reality of our relationship since it began.

And he is a great guy. But I have flaws, self esteem issues, depression, anxiety, sexual addiction, and many repressed thoughts, memories, and emotions, that I feel are preventing me from treating him the way I should.

I want to stay with my boyfriend, but I don't at the same time. If we split up him, I, and our daughter will suffer.

He says he would like for me to stop 'cheating' and be unhappy for the sake of our family, but I do not find that to be a rational, kind, or loving idea.

Oops, it looks like I missed the most important part of your post on first reading.

Explain why he is not married to you.

He is asking you to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of the FAMILY (see the mention of family in your post), and yet he is not married to you. That is very interesting. So why are you not married?

If it is so by mutual choice, and yet you have a daughter, tell us about the contract you have in place that specifies how your current boyfriend will provide for your daughter in case you split up - either because he is unable to tolerate the fact that you are sending images and text files to anonymous internet users who represent themselves as males, or, due to one or more of that myriad of other reasons due to which 50% of couples split up.

This is very important and seems to be the first thing to discuss, before discussing abuse and what not.

[Tattooman]

Hi, I am a male that is a incest survivor that is currently recovering from DID (multiple personality Disorder) My wife of 30 years is a rape survivor so we have quite a lot of experience with sexual problems. Without getting into too much of my stuff I would like to tell you that the fantasies over the internet are not unusual. There are things that I look at that I would not even think of doing but there they are. I have been in therapy for 6 years and I have had 5 different therapists. I no longer have 9 of my 10 alters. There are things in our history that drive us to look at this stuff. I am a christian and I still look at this stuff and the guilt is all mine. My wife doesn't know that I look at these websites. My therapist say that it is related to my abuse...duh.. No kidding! The thing that I am trying to say is that try to find a way to at least get evaluated. I am not saying you need to go to the funny farm but if your doctor doesn't know of any way to get a therapist then you could possibly talk to someone in the ER at your local hospital and just tell them you have a personal problem. They should be able to give you references to places that can help. The fact that the looking at the sex stuff is causing problems is a sign that there may be other stuff going on upstairs.
Take Care
Tattooman

[Harley47]

Well, understanding I say this with no intention to judge or upset you further, I do think he has a right to be upset. He is viewing this from his perspective and his alone...perhaps a fault, but more than likely that's his train of thought. That being said, he is viewing this as a betrayal on your part, and likely fearing of inadequacy on his own. Part of him, however small, is likely wondering what he personally did to prompt you to do this. In your eyes, likely an odd and incorrect train of thought, but that, I would wager, is probably what he's thinking.

Has he been made aware of what you went through (which please...do allow me to say, I am sorry that ever happened to you...no one deserves to endure such a thing )? Have you explained your rationale behind this? To be quite honest, I was, while reading your post, going to simply suggest you show him what you wrote up to paragraph three (paragraph three is still relevant, and those points DO need to be addressed, but...lol wording matters ). It would help him understand why, and potentially and hopefully be more supportive of you.

That being said, I don't think he's necessarily in the wrong to ask you to stop what you're doing, but I don't think he understands in asking you to do so what this means to you. He is seeing this, I would think, as a plain matter of infidelity, and not seeing the motivating factors. I don't think, unless he knows what you've told us, that he is going to be able to understand why or what it means. It's not that you don't love him...it's you attempting to regain something that was taken from you. Am I incorrect in that assessment?

Either way, I think the absolute best thing to do is try to talk to a therapist. S/he can help you understand why you feel this way, why you feel you need to do this, and help you gradually make adjustments so that you won't need to do this to feel okay anymore. That, I think, is your best course of action. In the meantime, explain to your boyfriend that you're trying, and that you do love him. While I'm not advocating you necessarily throw yourself at his mercy, as that doesn't really help anything either, the more he perceives you're sincerely trying to get some help and trying to not do this again, the more he'll be at ease, and ideally more supportive of you. You are right in saying that he should be there to support you...I would mention that to him.

Please know you're in my prayers, and I wish you all of my best. I hope my post didn't sound judgmental at any point in time...that was not at all my intention. Simply trying to help, is all.

Hugs, and all my best,
Harley

[khawk2]

As an adult victim of childhood incest by my natural father (7-11) I can certainly empathize with you. After almost a year of specifically aimed therapy I have stopped beating myself up and blaming myself and have accepted myself with all of my kinks. Those who have not lived our childhoods have a difficult time understanding the altered psyche of childhood sexual abuse victims. You must show him that this acting out is just another way of venting the rage and pain and showing the kink that seems to be inherent in some of us. I feel for you because I know how it feels for someone to look at you as if you are from another planet. I have found therapy to be very helpful. You may want to go to the ASCA - Adult Survivors of Child Abuse website and also google incest. There is much information on the web that you may find helpful including a list of symptoms that many of us share and you can share with him. I never have excused my behavior but have been able to put it into proper prospective and control it once I realized what was driving it. Try to find a therapist, good luck and don't lose hope. You are worth the trouble and he is not too good for you.

[Open Eyes]

You say that you "can't afford therapy"? In my opinion, you can't afford not to. And this isn't "just you" either because you "do" have a child and that child deserves to have a mother that is balanced and nurturing, not wrapped up in net surfing to fill a void in herself, that by the way, is never going to truely be "filled" .

You need to understand that our brain handles tramas like this with one constant goal in mind. To finally find a way to relive the trama with a better sense of control over the situation. This is often "confused" with "addiction" of somekind, when it isn't so much an addiction really, it is more of a real need for finally resolving whatever was "missing" or finding a way, as I mentioned to finally gain the "control" you didn't have during the abuse.

What you are discribing in your sexual abuse is a combination of a child being treated like "she is somehow special" and also taught to look at normal sexual desires in a very "unhealthy" way. A child doesn't have the capacity to understand what is "healthy" about this and "what is not healthy", they get confused because of how the body does send out a release that is meant to be pleasurable, however to encourage reproduction, not to do what you were pushed into doing.

It is also important to understand that achieving satisfaction is not just physical, but also involves the brain as well. And this can be seen because antidepresants are known to interupt with how the brain sets of the chemical reaction to achieve the desired relief.

Well, unfortunately what you are doing is just not "healthy" for you, and what it "is" doing is "preventing you from actually maturing" to where you have a healthy adult perspective on your sexuality.

If you decide to continue to pursue this unhealthy sexual connection, well, that's your choice. But what about this child you now have? Are you going to be so involved with your own issues that you will not be there to nurture her/him in a healthy way, a way all children deserve to have?

What are you going to tell this child down the road when you are asked why you and daddy didn't stay together, think about him/her and provide a family? And believe me, you "will" be asked. Are you going to say, "Well, I just wanted to search the net and chase sex and I didn't have the money to get a therapist". Sorry dear that you are all messed up, "just deal" with it.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You say that you "can't afford therapy"? In my opinion, you can't afford not to. And this isn't "just you" either because you "do" have a child and that child deserves to have a mother that is balanced and nurturing, not wrapped up in net surfing to fill a void in herself, that by the way, is never going to truely be "filled" .

The first thing that the child deserves is some security in regards to her future.

That means that before any money is spent on therapy - and therapy would be a great way to spend the money but still is a little optional - her parents need to think about her future.

I have never heard of any correlation, be it positive or negative, between the amount of time a mother spends net surfing and the nurturance said mother provides. Of course, there are extreme cases - there was a case of an Australian guy who died from playing video games non-stop (he had embolism from inactivity and died of it). Luckily, the Australian guy did not have children.

I do not know how you define "balanced" with respect to the mother, so I cannot comment, but at least on the nurturance part, I am pretty positive that there is no correlation unless the mother withholds all love and affection and fails to provide regular meals because she is on the Internet 24/7. From OP, it seems that OP spends some of her time surfing the net while still being able to meet her obligations with respect to meals and affection for the daughter.

Unlike the connection between net surfing and nurturance, which is at best fuzzy, there exists a connection between having children and having expenses: classes, clothing, food, summer camps, etc. all cost money.

I do know for a fact (=statistical reality) that domestic partnerships between unmarried partners where a young child is present very often result in a split between the parents in such a way that the child goes on to live with the mother and the mother lacks marketable skills and the father does not necessarily provide enough financial support.

In the OP's situation, this outcome is quite likely - the father and mother are already unsure whether their relationship is going to work.

They also do not have enough money, as evidenced by OP's mention about not being able to afford therapy.

So in the presence of:

1) uncertainty with regards to the future
2) a budget constraint

money should be spent on first order priorities first.

That means that the parents need to hire somebody to help them outline future financial obligations and come to an agreement.

When that is done, the next expense might very well be therapy for the mother.

[Open Eyes]

My point in saying what you pulled out of my overall message in my post was, the need for the OP to get help with her internet use to satisfy her "problem" with filling her sexual needs that are "unhealthy" for her no matter who she is with.

I was also giving her some "reasons" she was struggling with this as well.

Personally, I am "pro family" and I am looking at the entire picture here.

You are predicting that she will end up being a single mother, unemployed with a child in tow? It doesn't have to be that way, this young man loves her, sounds like a nice man too. It sounds like the one thing in the way is this "unhealthy" habit she has, and it isn't her fault either, but it is a problem she needs to work through. And it sounds to me like she "wants" to do better, and "fix" this situation. She needs to know "why" she has this problem and that she "can" out grow it with help.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

My point in saying what you pulled out of my overall message in my post was, the need for the OP to get help with her internet use to satisfy her "problem" with filling her sexual needs that are "unhealthy" for her no matter who she is with.

...

Personally, I am "pro family" and I am looking at the entire picture here.

If you are able to look at the entire picture from your position of being "pro family", can you explain to me, from your vantage point of being "pro family", why the guy is not married to the mother of his daughter???

regarding quoting you - I pulled out from your post the alleged connection between net surfing, nurturance, and being balanced. I pulled it out because you made the connection, and made it in the kind of tone in which people assert things that are crystal clear to any reasonable person beyond any doubt.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

regarding quoting you - I pulled out from your post the alleged connection between net surfing, nurturance, and being balanced. I pulled it out because you made the connection, and made it in the kind of tone in which people assert things that are crystal clear to any reasonable person beyond any doubt.

And if you can explain the connection to me WITHOUT relying on statements such as "I am pro family", that would be great, because stating that you are "pro family" does shed some light on your point of view, but does not shed absolutely any light on whether there is a connection.

[Open Eyes]

You know what hamster, I am posting to this OP, I am not posting to you. I have a "right" to give the OP, my opinion. If the OP wants to consider my opinion, fine, if not well, it's up to the OP.

We live in a time where it is not unusual for childbirth to happen before two people are married. It doesn't mean the OP and this young man that she is saying is a "nice" man, doesn't mean she can't find a way to think about "how" they might be able to make this move forward into a comitment.

The OP stated that "he is nice guy and deserves better than me"? To that effect, well, just because some man molested this OP, doesn't mean she isn't worthy of a "nice guy" hamster. There is no reason this OP has to continue with a habit like this either, she can get help and overcome this sense that she needs to surf the net to fill an emptyness that she truely doesn't deserve to feel.

A nurturer needs to understand "how to value self" because it is such a fundamental need for "all children to learn" and THEY LEARN FROM THEIR PARENTS.

Relationships, this is the busiest forum here pretty much, second in line is depression most of the time, why do you think that is hamster? I am a mother, I have raised a child, and I have been around more children then I can count to be honest. And I have also taught alot different children. And children need a mother that feels "good about herself" because they pick up and sense it when the mother isn't. This OP has a problem, but it isn't a problem she can't resolve.

Sometimes life throws us a reason to finally grow and change our direction and take on a healthier sense of self. Honestly, one of the important reasons is when a child is included in the picture.

It doesn't take long just reading different challenges here at PC alone to see how important that is. I have lost count of how many I have come across here that speak of the depth of their hurt because their mother wasn't "there" for them, she was present, but she wasn't "there".

Honestly, it is quite obvious to me, that we need to "change" something to lower the number of those complaints. Where was this OP's mother? Where? When she was being molested and taught to think like this?

" I thought I was ready to begin a family with a great guy. And he is a great guy. But I have flaws, self esteem issues, depression, anxiety, sexual addiction, and many repressed thoughts, memories, and emotions, that I feel are preventing me from treating him the way I should." quote from OP

She has flaws and doesn't deserve a nice man? She has damage, she needs help and she does deserve to have a "nice man". It was not her fault, she was merely a child when her uncle did that to her. She has not grown "yet", but she "can" with help.
OE

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

" I thought I was ready to begin a family with a great guy. And he is a great guy. But I have flaws, self esteem issues, depression, anxiety, sexual addiction, and many repressed thoughts, memories, and emotions, that I feel are preventing me from treating him the way I should." quote from OP

She has flaws and doesn't deserve a nice man? She has damage, she needs help and she does deserve to have a "nice man". It was not her fault, she was merely a child when her uncle did that to her. She has not grown "yet", but she "can" with help.
OE

It does not answer my question. A marriage is a legal institution that gives legal rights and responsibilities, which vary by state to some extent. Those legal rights and responsibilities have absolutely nothing to do with whether someone perceives herself as being with flaws, self esteem issues, etc. etc. and a long list of generic complaints that pretty much every person who is literate can produce these days in 15 seconds. OP chooses not to have the protection of this legal institution. Perhaps she will explain why. From your post I cannot see why. But let us wait and see what she says, because it is her story.

[Open Eyes]

Hamster, I am posting to the OP, I don't understand why I have to answer "your" questions here.

It is not up to you to "own the answer" to her, yes, lets let "her decide".

OE

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hamster, I am posting to the OP, I don't understand why I have to answer "your" questions here.

It is not up to you to "own the answer" to her, yes, lets let "her decide".

OE

I did not "own the answer". I had a question. So let us wait for her to come back.