[mskty2005]

I'm new here and I need to get some of this out.
I was molested and raped for two years by my step father. My mom and dad divorced when I was four. My dad was abusive and they were both drunks and addicts. All I remember is horror and confusion and pain. And that was before my mom remarried.
She met and married a loser coke addict when I was five. She just wanted someone to help her pay rent and take care of my little sister and brother and me. She slept around alot before and after she married again. He knew exactly who and what she was when he met her. He didn't want her. He wanted me.
The day he met us he got my mom drunk and high. While she was whacked out of her mind, he picked me up, pulled my pants down and displayed me to his friends saying,"What a prime grade a piece of meat!"
He never worked. But somehow he always had enough alcohol and drugs to keep my mom messed up. SHe married him drunk, falling down and puking on the justice of the peace's shoes as she slobbered i do.
Soon, she got tired of never having any money and went out and got a job herself. She became and over the road truck driver and left us home with him for weeks at a time. Thats when the real abuse started.
From the very first day he told me it was my job to take my moms place or else he would abuse my little sister and brother. I was five. They were four and two. I couldnt let him do it.
I never thought about telling my mom. I knew she didn't care about us. I had no choice.
He penetrated me the very first time, tearing and scarring me. He loved my screams. I know now it turned him on. Then I didn't know anything but pain.
It lasted for two years. Mom finally came home one day and told us we were moving back in with my father. We packed up and left that day.
My dad had become a biker and we moved in with the club. I learned what a ***** patch was before I knew what a brownie patch was.
My mom was verbally and physically abusive. My dad just ignored us kids completely. I loved him.
By the time I was old enough to have a boyfriend or explore my sexuality, I already hated and disdained men and detested women.
I've been married five times. I am married now. Its always the same. I tell them about me and they fall in love and think they can save me. Then when they fail, or I get bored with them I dump them and don't look back. I ususally takes a year.
I cheat on them, I verbally abuse them, I treat them like crap in public. I push them until they snap, then I put them in jail for hitting me. I never trust them. I always know that I will leave. I used to keep the boxes I used to move my stuff so I wouldn't have to hunt for more.
Now, in this marriage, I have cheated, but not like I used to. I try to be what my husband needs. I let him have his way. I let him berate me and abuse me. I let him blame me for everything and I make it all ok. I have gained 50 pounds in three months.
I am tired of it. I know who and what I am, but that doesn't give him the right to punish me for it.
Or maybe I deserve to be punished.
I don't know anymore. I just know I'm tired of being completely unable to have a real relationship with anyone. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being the kind of woman certain unbalanced men are drawn to- like my step father was drawn to me then.
I need a break. I need some self esteem. I need to discover who I am without anyone there to force me to react to them and their issues instead of my own.
This will end in divorce. It must. There is no respect or kindness or love between us- on either side.

[Travelinglady]

It's understandable that you would have the kind of problems in relationships you are having, given your personal history. I am sad you had to go through all that.

I strongly encourage you to go into therapy. Maybe there you can work through some of the damage from your childhood and get the help you need to maybe at some point have a healthy relationship.