[Superangie66]

Hello, I'm new. I'm a 17yr old girl, so please in all seriousness, do not judge me. I'm here for someone to tell me exactly what is wrong with me, how it started & when. I'm going to tell you everything that has happened to me & that I've done that seems f***ed up/not normal. Here's my story:
When I was about 10yrs old I had a crush on the 16yr old neighbor boy. He took advantage of my feelings & sexually abused me. There was never penetration, just our naked sex organs touching & oral sex. Then after his 13yr old sister found out she decided to blackmail me (because I didn't want my religious mother knowing I wasn't "pure" anymore) to take advantage the same way her brother did. By the time 6th grade came around, I came out as a bisexual. I had more intimate female relationships than male. 7th grade came & puberty treated me well, boys were all over me though I was hardly interested. I became infatuated with a certain boy that year. We were best friends, he asked me to be his girlfriend just to break up with me a week later & came out of the closet to everyone. The rest of the year I was known as "the girl who turned him gay". This heart break & torture is what lead me to become a self-mutilator, an alcoholic & a pot head in one year. Soon enough I found a new male best friend, he was dating a friend of mine that was a girl. That summer he came over & stayed the night in which we had make-out sessions. He was unfaithful to his girlfriend as I was unfaithful to her as a friend. 8th grade came, me & this boy began to date. That year there was a lot of drama. He was still unsure who he had feelings for, me or her. Our relationship was on & off. At one point I dated his best friend for 3 days, hurting him pretty badly. Freshman year came & we were together but attending different schools. This stirred up many rumors that he was cheating/had a different girlfriend at his school. When we hung out he seemed uninterested in me, one day I checked his phone & he had been talking with a girl about sex. When we lost our virginity to each other that year. He swore it was nothing, but that didn't stop us from becoming disconnected. I ended up cheating on him with a junior at my school, yet we still stayed together. That summer I left to visit family in another state. We didn't have much contact with each other so we became disconnected again. Also while I was there, my cousin came in my room in the middle of the night wanting sex & I let him have it. When I got home I told my boyfriend & he forgave me yet again. Why, I'll never understand. Sophmore year he came to my school, little did I know he was hanging out with his ex from our middle school days & yet again his feelings for her resurfaced. I didn't find this out until springbreak, but they had argued & stopped talking for quite some time already. That summer there was a party. I drank considerably more than my boyfriend and his friend. I was convinced to have a threesome with them. His friend used protection, but my boyfriend didn't, obviously resulting in my conceiving a child. I attended junior year up until a month before my due date. Our baby is now born. We live together now. I'm home taking care of the baby while he is at school/work. He seems distant from me again & it hurts as I have nobody. I have 2 best friends that live out of state. Other than that, I have no friends. But he does, friends that are girls. That makes me so insecure cause he is at school with them & I'm not. It's almost like Freshman year all over again but I don't have anyone telling rumors, it's just all in my head. I check his phone & facebook constantly & I feel guilty cause there is nothing to say he is being unfaithful. I love him dearly, even after all we went through & all the messed up s*** I've done. We will be together 4yrs this year. But what is wrong with me? Why did I do the things I did?

I do not know why you did the things you did. But you were young and young people do experimental and reckless things. Sadly sometimes these things have consequences, and now you are with a young child.

To be honest, I think your insecurity is down to your past, and down to the behaviour you, your boyfriend and your friends. If you all messed around with each other without caring, then you are bound to not trust any of them. You've learned this from each other and you know you are capable too.

Your boyfriend may be distant from you because he may feel trapped with a young child, when he's at school himself. I should imagine you feel the same. I am only guessing here, but it's how I would feel in your/his shoes. Have you ever sat down and talked in an open, honest manner, without yelling at each other or blaming each other? I wonder if that will help with both of you. Do you have support from your family, or his? I hope so. And can you afford some therapy together or alone? I think this may help you greatly and I think its very important now you've such a huge responsibility with a young child.

I do know that checking his phone and facebook is unfair. And you know what? If someone wants to leave you, or have an affair, there is nothing you can do to stop them - you do not control them. So checking everything is pointless, and all it will do is make you both feel awful. I would suggest honest, calm talking..

[Superangie66]

Thank you. We have talked & we are starting to do better. It just seemed like he's been distant because we don't have much time for each other anymore. But we finally got to spend some alone time together.