[henrydavidtherobot]

I've had a best friend for years. I love her to death, but our friendship has been taking a toll on me. She's very demanding of my time, doesn't respect my schedule, and often insults me indirectly. I've overlooked it until recently.

Last year, she went to rehab for alcohol abuse. She got into a relationship with a significant ex of mine shortly thereafter without consulting me. I was happy that they found happiness in each other, but hurt that she didn't communicate with me or seem to care how I felt. I expressed this with her, but dropped it. I am not a dramatic or jealous person. I didn't mind the relationship, only the lack of communication.

Anyway, so when he dumped her, I spent a lot of time with her one on one. I wanted to give her a safe place to get sober while coping with the breakup. however, I didn't get to do a lot of the things I wanted to do and was getting behind in school. When I starting getting health problems for anxiety, I decided to not stretch myself so far for her.

I've had many disappointments with men lately. I'm in this situation with an a man who is isn't consistent and it has been taking a toll on me. I can;t figure out how to get out of it because I rarely connect with others. After a very stressful week, I got way too drunk and had sex with a man I didn't know. It screwed with me because he took advantage of me (he dragged me home, I couldn't walk) and it made me feel unsafe and triggered thoughts of past sexual assaults. I feel dirty and defective by this man. This set me up to need a safe, comforting male connection.

Recently, my friend had a crush on a man and it didn't work out. He's a friend of mine and we ended up hooking up. I know that it was mean, but I need to move on from these situations. I figure that since she didn't care about my feelings, that I should have some license here. He's very warm and kind to me. I let my friend know the next day (even though I found out about her and my ex on FB), and she slaughtered me with insults. What I did was wrong, I admit, but I am human.

We've tried to move on, but it seems like she is getting worse. She tells me that I am so busy that no wonder that people think I am cold, egotistical, and unapproachable. She devalues my past relationship, my feelings, my friends, and what I enjoy doing. She's mad that I don't spend all of my time with her like we did when she got out of rehab. I don't like all the negativity.

Anyway, I told her that she can get a hold of me once she decides that I am enough. I deserve warmth and don't want to deny it when I desperately need it. Am I bad for cutting her off? It's not for a boy (I don't want to date him), but for my mental health. I feel bad, but I also feel like it is healthy to obtain people who build you up and not break you down. Advice? =[

PS, the constant remarks about how cold and uncaring I am really hurt.

[Leed]

No I don't think it was wrong to cut her off. I DO think that perhaps hooking up with the guy she was interested in was wrong, but that's over and done with. I can see why you did it but since he was a friend of yours anyway - I guess you had more "dibs" on him than she did. LOL

This "friend" sounds very needy. She sounds like the kind of person who expects you to spend ALL your spare time with her and ONLY her. And if you don't, she gets angry and that's no "friend."

This gal is toxic in my book. You cannot expect to recover yourself when you're trying to hold someone else up CONSTANTLY too! Who is holding YOU up? Evidently no one. You weren't wrong in cutting her off, my friend. So don't worry about it.

Have you been in therapy? You might want to think about it. It sounds like you could be suffering from depression -- and you don't want to leave that untreated. Talk to your doctor and he can refer you to a good therapist. He will know the best one to send you to.

I wish you the very best. Please take care of yourself & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Gloom]

It sounds like your friend is looking for a mother, not a friend. I understand that you feel bad about cutting her off, and I would as well (I'm always scared that I'm being unfair, and I always give second chances), but as Leed mentioned, she's toxic to you and your general well-being.

I think you've done enough for her, despite the fact that you hooked up with this friend of yours. However, she also got into a relationship with YOUR ex and didn't bother telling you. Maybe she was concerned about what you'd think or say about it, but either way, it's worse that she didn't consider asking if you're ok with it, or at least telling you.

I think it's time for you to be a little selfish. Relationships of all kinds should be fair and equal for both parties, and that's not the case here.

Hope you feel better and also hope she realises her mistakes.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Thanks guys, I really needed to hear that. I agree that it is getting toxic. I always give way too many chances. I'm just now starting to learn how people can easily make you feel bad and hurt your self esteem to trap you into an unequal friendship.

I go to therapy weekly and have been diagnosed with a mild depression. I'm okay though, I just get anxious and reclusive at times.