[Lexi232]

So.... I"m not really even sure if this is the best place to post this.. but I figured if I kept doing the shuffle I would never get around to posting what I needed to post.

About a week ago, I was watching law and order, and the pdoc on that said something about sociopath, and the actions of this person resembled one of my parents, so then began the googling. Everything I read, fits one of my parents TO A CAPTITAL T! I mean, there's not one thing on there that doesn't describe her. It's like they wrote it while observing her. I actually almost ended up having a panic attack while reading through the descriptions because I was being flooded with memories. (and tho I have anxiety; in my lifetime I have only had 2 or 3 panic attacks, and they were mediciene induced).
Has anyone else ever grown up with a parent who was a sociopath? And I wasn't able to find this out, but does anyone know if it's genetic? or if it just happens to some people, and not the rest?

[LookingforCalm]

I would say that my ex-stepmother was a sociopath. She really had no feeling towards what she was doing to others, and almost ruined my wedding day - amongst other major holidays.

I feel for you, darlin. I hope you are doing ok.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Lexi,

Sociopath is a term used for "Antisocial Personality" and covers quite a number of pathological symptoms ranging from petty crime to serial killing.

Relationships with a sociopath are complex because the sociopath makes them complex in as much that they have a web of situations and conditions that they use to control others; lies, manipulation, aggression, intimidation, dishonesty, deciet and other actions and behaviours.

It is, however "like" your mother is to the symptoms of a sociopath, just about impossible to simply say your mother is a sociopath without the correct assessment. But you can learn about the anti-social personality and also learn how to deal with them so that you are ok.

A large percentage of counselling in the community is given to victims of sociopaths because of the trauma and subsequent damage caused by them. But for this to be ascertained one must be assessed on intake to therapy, then in deeper consultation. There are a number of things to look for in the victim of a sociopath.

So I honestly would suggest that rather than worry too much about what your mother is or isn't, that you work on healing and protecting yourself from the fallout of her personality.

Most important is that you don't judge her as a sociopath without having a very good grounding and maybe discussing it with your current therapist; such conclusions can be damaging when they have no need or right to be. Only a therapist can decide based on what they observe and hear, so try not to stress yourself.

Originally Posted by Lexi232

So.... I"m not really even sure if this is the best place to post this.. but I figured if I kept doing the shuffle I would never get around to posting what I needed to post.

About a week ago, I was watching law and order, and the pdoc on that said something about sociopath, and the actions of this person resembled one of my parents, so then began the googling. Everything I read, fits one of my parents TO A CAPTITAL T! I mean, there's not one thing on there that doesn't describe her. It's like they wrote it while observing her. I actually almost ended up having a panic attack while reading through the descriptions because I was being flooded with memories. (and tho I have anxiety; in my lifetime I have only had 2 or 3 panic attacks, and they were mediciene induced).
Has anyone else ever grown up with a parent who was a sociopath? And I wasn't able to find this out, but does anyone know if it's genetic? or if it just happens to some people, and not the rest?

My father was a textbook sociopath. He always lied and manipulated me with every conversation. It's really confusing for a child to grow up like this because your judgement is impaired when developing relationships.

[Lexi232]

Thanks everyone. I dont wish this on anyone, but at the same time I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

@Rhiannonsmoon sorry that it came out as i was trying to diagnosis her. I didn't mean it like that - atleast i dont think i am/was. I just wanted to understand more about her. (and therapy with her is out of the question. She believes nothing is wrong with her. And anyone who has even looked at her the wrong way she hated their guts for it, and thought up something to justify why she didn't ever want to be near them again- in this case it was usually MY therapist who tried to talk to her, and would bring up options as to how to deal with my so called "rebellion" as I could never do anything right. Told I was lieing, as I was telling the truth, and the whole truth of both my side, and even word for word as i have heard her tell her side of things. so they would see both sides usually. But there were many times as a child i would be like "whats the point? I lie and i get told i'm good girl for playing along basically with presents and toys, and a happy parent for a few moments. I tell the truth and I'm told i'm lieing and home is hell till the next session, and even MONTHS AFTER!" )

I guess all of this is me, seeking for answers so i'm not so lost and confused on things. I want to understand things. And I dont want to get in that kind of situation again with anyone. I find i'm overly paranoid that i will end up befriending people like that, and then I'll be trapped once again, just this time it will be even worse cause it will be on my own terms where I got myself into (didn't have a say so with my parent).

I also wanna know how to get past feeling like ... no one believes me.. (the only way i've found to combat this feeling was to come ready with proof (pics, tapes, letters) but even still i have that feeling that i'm not going to be believed, or they think I make things up. I'm so sick of feeling like i have to prove everything. even down to the fact of "yes i feed the dogs" someone replies with "oh okay, i just thought they were looking at us like they were waiting for food" and i have to go into detail about when and how i fed them, and then i start searching for proof to get them to see i am not lieing, like "see see!? i moved that water dish over here! it was over there yesterday! I had to feed them- oh theres a piece left in that dish of food! seeee???" . it's a constant battle within myself. Because i'm so used to her being believed over me, and me being labeled as a lier when I was telling the truth most of the time (as a child I did lie a lot, but not after even my truthful things were being labeled as lies.) and it drug on and on and on, many times i racked my brains trying to figure out how she was so able to trick EVERYONE..- well.. not everyone.. or i wouldn't ever gotten away from it.. but.. most everyone.. i still can't understand how she weasled her way out of so many things.
But .. i guess.. i feel like for me to be able to understand myself, I will need to figure out her... maybe by doing so i can group with others who understand..
I can distinctly remember a fight i had with her (one of the very lesser ones) but she did the self projection on both me and my father parent. She would interupt me as i would try to answer her question on some thing and then the fight of about 30 minutes went on of just how she was the one interupting me and wouldn't let me say more than two words (my side of it), but she seemed to think it was the other way around, and she was the one who couldn't get two words out. (wish i was smart enough then to get a recording of it, to prove it. but i didn't. just so others could tell me if they thought her side or my side was correct. and if i was really interupting her as she said, and i just didn't realize it. )
But i'm pretty much out of the situation (except for the occational txt msg's and the memories that frequent me at times), atleast i'm out of it... my father isn't even allowed to leave the bedroom, or move or have his eyes open, unless she says so.. and sometimes even the say so she still gets uber mad. - ack now i'm rambling on. i'll stop.. sorry..

Is there anyway to move on from growing up with a sociopath parent? or atleast not feeling so diffrent from everyone else, or not feeling so misunderstood over issues?

[salukigirl]

I think the fact that you are on here asking if this could potentially get you one day proves that you are not. You know how they say crazy people don't know they're crazy?

I do think that a lot of people have certain tendencies without having the full disorder. Honestly, it sounds like you HAVE moved on. You are on here asking for help and understand the things you can do to break the cycle. That, to me, is moving on.

[Lexi232]

Thanks
I'm so afraid that I'll end up like her, and I dont want to be..
Oddly the otherday i was watching a harry potter marathon and in one of them, dumbledoor said to harry potter, something like - it's not how you are alike, but how you are not.
There are a lot of things I'm NOT alike with her.

I'm thinking of bringing this all up to my T, but idk where to begin or what to say.. My T before this one knew pretty much all of it. And the one I have now, knows very little of me.

Yesterday, I watched Small Sacrifices on youtube- I'm glad it was in parts because I couldn't handle watching it all in one sitting. - But there wasn't one thing on there that I haven't seen my parent do, or say. Even down to the reckless driving, and then turning around and laughing about it, and later on denying it ever happening. And even down to the "kids are my life" and "how should I act?" and what she said when they asked her why she was laughing when normally a mother would be sad and crying.
Just like she denies pouring bleach on me when i was younger, but the scars still remain even tho she denies it.
I wanna talk about these things, but not in TALKING wise.. I like typing.. much easier.. - ... my T did say i could email her if I ever wanted to say something inbetween sessions.... *thinking "outloud"*

My pdoc laughs when i try to just skim the surface of why i dont live near my "family". and I say "she was abusive, It's just better staying way far away from her". He laughs, and cracks jokes of it. (which i interpret as he doesn't believe me). *so confused right now*

[NuckingFutz]

I feel for you. I grew up with a narcisisst for a mother (they are similar). Some children of anti social personality disorder and even for people like me, they handle the situation AS IF their parent had been properly diagnosed. Some have even gone low contact or no contact with the person.

Dr. Richard Owens is the formost authority in the US on this. He wrote "The Mask of Sanity" and it helps a lot. You might want to do some research on him and antisocial personality. It helped me quite a bit and I hope it helps you as well.

Been there and have very low contact with my mom and it has helped.

[phoenix7]

Maybe yuor pdoc sees that the subject distresses you and tries to make light so you wil feel better? Just a thought..

Im sorry you had to put up wiht that - and yes i believe there is a way forward - therapy is a way - and i agree wiht dumbledor - its not what you have in common but what you are different (i know those are not the words but thats the spirit iof it i feel andim tired )

I was always terrified of turning out like my dad - possibly a sociopath - its only recently i relaised how different we are ...yes im slow

I really hope you are able to move past this - grow and have the great life that you truly deserve

P7

[Lexi232]

Thanks
I'll check him and the book out.

hmm, and maybe my pdoc does. I've never thought of it that way..

Thanks everyone

[NuckingFutz]

Since the antisocial personality community is about 1% of the population, sociopaths are of course rare. It has also been documented that they can fool even pdocs. I would make sure the pdoc discussing this is very familiar with APD.

I wish you all good things on your quest.

[doing-my-best]

I understand why you would be searching for others online who may have been through similar. I too, grew up with a sociopath Dad and older sister had it too. My mother was also borderline and life at home was terribly painful. While I have the most wonderful supportive friends, there is no way they could ever understand the magnitude of the hell I lived. I have been in and out of therapy all my life, they too, cannot relate at all. All they know is what they read... and that I can do myself. Therapists do help you come up with better coping skills and help you gain more self control, so you don't go on to behave the way you were raised. But mental illness is never discussed in our society and I get so frustrated when people dismiss it or say "don't diagnose yourself"... when they have never lived with with someone who has mental illness. They shouldn't comment period. They don't know what the heck they are even talking about. My parents were classic textbook mental cases... still are! I have always felt so alone in this...and I'm 40 yrs old. My childhood was painful. Full of abuse and neglect. I knew when I was a little girl that other families did not behave this way... I knew very early on they were mental. But it wasn't till I much older that I discovered what the illnesses were. And these people prey on children (their own and their grandchildren). And my father went on to sub in public schools! No one ever believed me. They were terribly abusive but clever enough to hide things and stay within the law. However, my Dad was arreseted once for child abuse. He left way too many bruises on my face... even broke my nose for beating the hell out of me for no reason. Then he turned it back on me and said to me (I was a little girl too) "How could you do this to me... they are treating me a like a criminal?" They should have locked him away. My Dad is sick and dying now, and still a victimizer. He is destroying my 18 yr old nephew. He has total power over him and my nephew will defend him even while my dad abuses him. My mother LOVEs to play the victim. "poor me... look what I have to put up with". But it's her choice to stay and she offers him her children and grandchildren as sacrificial lambs for him to have his way with. She's disgusting too. I just wish they would beat the crap out of each other and die and go to hell where they belong and stop hurting children. This is the part I can't get over.... that they still abuse children as I write this. Schools, DCYS, neighbors, police, etc.... do nothing to stop them. They actually get away with this.

Sociopaths are 4% of the population... that's 1 in every 25 people. It's part genetic, part environment. Sociopaths are often neglected and abused as infants. They never learn to trust and learn mistrust. They learn to rely only on themselves to meet their basic needs. the brain does not develop right and there is no way to fix this. They literally have no conscience at all.

My feeling are, if you read about what a sociopath is and your family member fits the description to a T.... then they are most likely one. We are searching for other survivors because we feel alone in this.

I am out here... surviving and doing the very best I can to be a good person and a contributor in society. I am a mother and i love my child more than anything on this earth. I keep her far away from my abusive family and the only advise I could ever give is to stay as far away from the sociopath. They have no capacity to love or care for anyone and only do harm, especially to vulnerable helpless children. So NEVER bring your children near them. Stay away from them forever!

Originally Posted by doing-my-best

They have no capacity to love or care for anyone and only do harm, especially to vulnerable helpless children. So NEVER bring your children near them. Stay away from them forever!

I have three children.

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Dr. Richard Owens is the formost authority in the US on this. He wrote "The Mask of Sanity" and it helps a lot.

Hervey Cleckley wrote The Mask of Sanity, not Owens.

[Purple Rain]

My father was a sociopath. While in prinson for trying to kill my Mom - he was also diagnosed as a pathological liar.

I'll check out the book as well.

Thanks!!

Originally Posted by Purple Rain

I'll check out the book as well.

The Mask of Sanity? You can find it on the internet for free. The Mask of Sanity. It was written in the earlier part of the 20th century, so it's a bit outdated. But many of the basic elements of psychopathy are outlined quite well.

*edit*

Perhaps I should rephrase. Many of the basic behaviours of failed psychopaths are outlined quite well. The better of us, those ever-elusive "successful-paths", would find such behaviour contemptible...

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Amy

My father was a textbook sociopath. He always lied and manipulated me with every conversation. It's really confusing for a child to grow up like this because your judgement is impaired when developing relationships.

Hi lexi! good thread. This is exactly how it is for me, except it was my mom, not that my dad was much better. I "acted out" my entire working life just as you describe, lexi, feeling discounted by my employers because my family discounted me, always having to prove something. That you have this insight now is fantastic, maybe you won't screw up your life like I did. Working with T to raise your "automatic" expectations of people in everyday interactions is a good way to fix this. And post on PC, where you are loved and respected for your smarts and heart

[Jaer007ll]

I feel for you, darlin. I hope you are doing ok

[Horizon]

This!!
LEXI232:

"I also wanna know how to get past feeling like ... no one believes me.... I have that feeling that i'm not going to be believed, or they think I make things up."

And This!!
doing-my-best:

"They have no capacity to love or care for anyone and only do harm, especially to vulnerable helpless children. So NEVER bring your children near them. Stay away from them forever!"....Amen! Amen! Amen!

[thunderbear]

My step-dad was a sociopath. I struggle everyday second guessing myself. Proving myself like you, Lexi , was describing. I believe his disorder was passed down thru his father cause his father was pretty evil to stepdad growing up. That and my stepdad was a heroin addict, which more than likely compacted his mental illnesses. His daughter is a narrcisist. Diagnosed. But she was always treated like the princess. Always got her way. If she done something wrong, I would get punished. So I think mabye her disorder is at least partly enviromental.

[Foreign_Soul]

I am still researching but almost everything I have read so far about sociopaths describes my "mother" to a T. I refuse to have her in my life any mord but unfortunately I have no control over whether she sees my son- she has court ordered access! Her own family call her psycho but are too worried about what might happen to them to speak out and so she continues to get away with her lies, including telling anyone who will listen that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (I don't and she knows it) purely to gain sympathy and play the "woe is me" card.
Thankfully I have an amazing fiancé and some very good friends but I still struggle with the after effects of her abuse and manipulation. But I'm determined to move forward and not let her hold me back or effect me anymore. She doesn't deserve to be a part of my life.

[avlady]

I am sorry to hear such sad stories by all of you. I had similiar experiences but as I have gotten older, I look at them differently. My parents were good parents, I have 11 siblings and we're all nuts. Don't tell them i said that!!!We all have our own quirks and abilities, and I have forgiven every one of them for what they did to me-which was a lot of bull****. I really had no other option if I wanted to stay near them, and I do, just because they are my brothers an sisters and we all grew up putting up with each others ****. If there ever was a family that was so bad it probably was mine. Even through it all, i rebelled, and did all the stuff that goes with growing up and so did each one of them. I think I have a handle on kids ok as I was the 2nd eldest. We have all types of mental health problems, but i think I'm the only one who would admit to it. They are all functional, and I'm proud of them, i just sometimes wish i was cared for better, like we had to have hand me downs, not enough food or any good diet, but we always had some type of meal even if it wasn't enough. Hearing your stories makes me feel grateful, I could never in my life even imagine some of the things mentioned above. I hope and pray for you situations to get better and you can come to somewhere in your lives where you are truely happy. It takes alot but you can get there.