[kimchi]

Hi, I have a situation that I'd like some opinions on:

I'm in a stable, loving long-term relationship and we are planning on getting married and having children in the near future. I have made a lot of changes during the last 4 years and now make healthy decisions but that has not always been the case. During my 20s, I cut myself for several years and now have visible scars on the insides of my forearms. Over the last couple of years, I have been asked about the scars by 2 nieces and the child of my boyfriend's friend, namely what caused them. I never know what to say so I end up just saying that I cut myself a long time ago. I'm not ashamed of my scars and don't try to hide them but I'm not sure if I should tell children the truth about them. I don't want to give children (ages 6-11 years old) more information than their parents are comfortable with nor do I want to give them any ideas that self-harm is an acceptable behavior. I have not told their parents that they asked me about my scars because I didn't want to make their parents feel uncomfortable over what is normal curiosity. How honest should I be with other people's children?

I have a history of drug abuse, self-harm and an eating disorder and my boyfriend and I are unsure of how much to share with our future children, should the issues ever arise. In your opinion, is honesty the best policy with children? Or should we tailor our pasts to coincide with the values that we would like to impart to our future children, at least until they're mature?

[Aoikaze]

Maturation is a process. Some may not be ready to understand the mechanisms at work even when adult. I would suggest that a limited honesty be the best policy, one that espouses healthy values but doesn't imply that failure is unconsciounable. In other words, "They are a part of me from a long time ago. Before I became who I am today."

Telling small kids about sadness, and even depression, done in the appropriate way can be inoculating rather than anesthetizing. It requires being aware of the maturity and emotional wellbeing of the particular child. You might be surprised how much some kids understand of what depression feels like and is like. We don't give them near enough credit.

Talking with their parents if you have a concern always helps to define not just what they think would be acceptable, but your own motivs and ideals. The fact that you've put this much thought into this already proves that you understand the responsibility. Follow that vein and research what might be appropriate for spexific situations where you would be tempted to talk about your scars and have a plan prepared. A decent text on developmental psych and child psych are invaluable tools, but try also to be aware of your limits and allow professionals to provide insight and treatment where you're out of your depth.

I'm proud of you for taking the time to think through this. It shows that you've grown, and are an asset to your friends, their lives, and their children's lives.

[shezbut]

(((kimchi)))

Good Q's! I don't have any advice to give you, as I'm not real good in this area. Just wanted to give you thumbs up for seriously thinking about what the right thing to do might be. That is great!

Welcome to Psych Central ~ best wishes to you and your fiance'. I hope that you no longer suffer the internal misery that you felt before. Take care!