[orcaseleven]

I know that shutting down in the middle of an argument with my spouse, or even at the start of it, is a defense mechanism. I know that I do it. I know that I should not. And yet, somehow, I almost always do so. What makes it worse is when they keep at me, and at me, and just don't stop.

I know part of it is because I'm a conflict avoider. Hate it. Always have. I'm a peacemaker. I think what also comes in to play is the fact that I don't feel I'm heard - my voice is soft, I don't yell, so I get talked over, and because of my introversion, I need a bit of time to formulate my words...to make sense of the jumble in my head before I speak. I rarely speak without thinking first. My spouse, however, readily allows words to come out without thinking, is a yeller when angry, and also interrupts when I'm in the middle of a sentence/thought. The latter puts me right off, as I have to focus with effort to be methodical in the way I talk about how I'm feeling and where I'm coming from, otherwise I just don't feel I get across what I want to.

In many ways we are two peas in a pod, but in other ways we are not. This is one of them. I'm having difficulty lately trying to stop myself from adding more bricks to my wall during arguments. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[shezbut]

(((orcaseleven)))

Yes, you do have a problem here. It's a good thing that you've been able to put your pattern into words, as it explains a bit. I can personally relate a lot to your tendency.

I grew up being the peacemaker as well, and a big negative effect of that kind gesture is the repression of my own personal feelings, self-blame (for being unable to fix the problems) and self-hate (for abuse).

In my experience, you talking with a T about your past & the effect that it's having on your world today would be a very effective tool for you. As you know, relationships are a 2-way street though. It would be helpful to your marriage if you could get your husband to understand that he needs to give you some time to respond.

Arguments do occur in relationships, yes, but he certainly needs to show some respect & allow you some time to talk about your perspective, clarify any facts that may have led to the misunderstanding, etc. Seeing a counselor together could teach you both how to communicate with one another better. I'd definitely recommend that you two follow that avenue.

Simply allowing this pattern to continue wouldn't be good for you or your marriage. I wish you the very best ~ take care!

btw ~ Welcome to Psych Central!!

[H3rmit]

Shutting down is somewhat natural when someone yells at you. Yelling and interrupting are somewhat abusive. Your partner should work on that. My husband is like you, and I am like your spouse. I work on it, and I think that's the right thing to do. My husband is getting better at not shutting down, but if I were to go off like a cannon, well, I know the result, and I don't want that.

I know you asked what YOU can do, but one thing is to ask your partner to be more reasonable and work at self-control. Knowing that they are trying will give you some space to be braver. Well, just an idea.

Also, Marshall Rosenberg's writings are about being a peacemaker, but effective and assertive rather than avoidant. I think they would be worth reading, possibly for both of you. His ideas and techniques helped me to express better without yelling so much as well.

[orcaseleven]

Originally Posted by shezbut

(((orcaseleven)))

Yes, you do have a problem here. It's a good thing that you've been able to put your pattern into words, as it explains a bit. I can personally relate a lot to your tendency.

I grew up being the peacemaker as well, and a big negative effect of that kind gesture is the repression of my own personal feelings, self-blame (for being unable to fix the problems) and self-hate (for abuse).

In my experience, you talking with a T about your past & the effect that it's having on your world today would be a very effective tool for you. As you know, relationships are a 2-way street though. It would be helpful to your marriage if you could get your husband to understand that he needs to give you some time to respond.

Arguments do occur in relationships, yes, but he certainly needs to show some respect & allow you some time to talk about your perspective, clarify any facts that may have led to the misunderstanding, etc. Seeing a counselor together could teach you both how to communicate with one another better. I'd definitely recommend that you two follow that avenue.

Simply allowing this pattern to continue wouldn't be good for you or your marriage. I wish you the very best ~ take care!

btw ~ Welcome to Psych Central!!

Thank you for the reply. I have wanted to try the T route for quite a while now and have mentioned so, but that doesn't go over very well. I, myself, have never been to a therapist, but my spouse has, waaay in the past. Didn't do so well with it, so bad memories there. sigh. I guess I need to really keep trying to suggest it...maybe go looking on my own even. Though I don't know if I can cover the cost right now (I'm the only one working, spouse is off on (hopefully) temporary disability). I will start looking in to how much it costs here and see what I can do.

[orcaseleven]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Shutting down is somewhat natural when someone yells at you. Yelling and interrupting are somewhat abusive. Your partner should work on that. My husband is like you, and I am like your spouse. I work on it, and I think that's the right thing to do. My husband is getting better at not shutting down, but if I were to go off like a cannon, well, I know the result, and I don't want that.

I know you asked what YOU can do, but one thing is to ask your partner to be more reasonable and work at self-control. Knowing that they are trying will give you some space to be braver. Well, just an idea.

Also, Marshall Rosenberg's writings are about being a peacemaker, but effective and assertive rather than avoidant. I think they would be worth reading, possibly for both of you. His ideas and techniques helped me to express better without yelling so much as well.

Marshall Rosenberg? I will look him up and see what I can find. Thank you very much for the suggestion. And yes, I know I'm only just a part of the issue. The problem is my spouse is off on temporary (hopefully) disability and is having all the issues that go along with that. Off work since the middle of November. My wages (plus the meager disability) don't even cover our monthly bills, let alone food, so we are dipping in to our now meager savings. There have also been some in-law family problems. There's been a lot of stress. I know that's making excuses. I try not to do so. Will go google Marshall Rosenberg now...

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by orcaseleven

The problem is my spouse is off on temporary (hopefully) disability and is having all the issues that go along with that. Off work since the middle of November. My wages (plus the meager disability) don't even cover our monthly bills, let alone food, so we are dipping in to our now meager savings. There have also been some in-law family problems. There's been a lot of stress. .

When things get tough and emotions get high, you need a partner rather than a competitor all the more. And good communication. I mean we should be on the side of WE not the side of ME against HIM (when we are a couple), I think.

[orcaseleven]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

When things get tough and emotions get high, you need a partner rather than a competitor all the more. And good communication. I mean we should be on the side of WE not the side of ME against HIM (when we are a couple), I think.

I agree. And I did indeed look up Marshall Rosenberg. After reading a bit about him and by him, I ordered a couple of his books from Amazon. Should be here in another week or so. Thank you for the suggestion. I'm looking forward to reading them.

[wadingthruemotions]

I am the one to shut down in an argument. Mu hubby used to keep at it until I caved and had to say something. he has learned that he needs to come at a problem a different way with me.

The reason I shut down is probably different than some. I grew up with a family of yellers, more than that really but that is the nice way of stating it. I don't know how to have a good argument if there is such a thing. So in the throws of the moment I have a tendency to go all off and really get physically violent along with the yelling and screaming, if nothing else for just the release of it all at being in an argument.

We are working on that, I am working on that as well. Just wanted to add my input here I guess.

You do need to work on it together. Try discussing things when neither of you are in a bad mood or anything. Try to bring to light why you shut down and see if there is a better way to get feelings out.