[Lisamom]

Hi
My daughter is very bright, excellent student, described by her teachers as a leader, and seems very confident and well spoken. She is a friendly girl but has always had difficulty making close friends. We have moved a lot and this has contributed. While other girls seemed to always have a best friend, my daughter has always had casual friends and very few. I noticed at our last location, grades 4,5 and 6, she did not seem to make friends with girls she had common interests or similar personalities with. She seemed to just be friends with the two girls on her bus who lived close, but neither of those girls were particularly nice or that my daughter enjoyed their company much. We moved last summer and her seventh grade year was very stressful. She has made similarly casual friends. Spends most of her free time reading and watching utubes. I am pressuring her to invite friends over to swim in our pool. She finds it awkward to be with friends without an activity. Her two "closest" friends don't really enjoy each other. Having them together is uncomfortable for her. She is on a swim team and has made no friends. I have encourages her to invite anyone from there over or out to a movie. It is summer and it makes me crazy to see her hanging out alone at home with me and her brother as her only companions. How do I help her? When I bring it up, she gets Geary and depressed feeling like she is a weirdo and inadequate.
Worried Mom

Does your daughter suffer from social anxiety? Does your daughter want to be more social and have more friends? The reason I'm asking is because I had a similar situation like your daughter when I was in high school and didn't talk to my mother about my struggles. When I went to college it became a problem and that's when I decided to get help. I think it's great that you are concern and maybe you should talk to a counselor about this.

[Travelinglady]

I agree with the last poster. Social anxiety could be an issue.

Of course, she might also be more introverted, too--getting her energy from spending time away from people. However, even introverted people might have some close friends.

She might do better at her age with a get together with a group of girls. Perhaps you might ask her to invite several girls to some activity, such as to a good movie for kids her age. Not just one on one.

I wonder if she might be willing to talk to the school counselor. But, keep in mind that if people don't want to change and are happy with the way things are, it's hard to motivate them to seek help. Maybe the school counselor could call her in and talk about school stuff and feel her out about her social life (or lack of). A thought, anyway......

I was very shy in high school and really close to my sis, so I wasn't really interested in other friends. But when we parted, I was able to start making friends and to get close to them. It's possible her brother is currently meeting her social needs.

[scorpiosis37]

Are you friends with any other moms/families that have children around her age? Perhaps she would feel more comfortable participating if you invited another family over to swim or to went out to a movie? That wouldn't put all of the pressure on her; it would be a family outing.

Has your daughter ever been bullied? If she has had negative experiences with other girls being mean to her (which she may feel too embarrassed to tell you about) that could also be a reason why she doesn't want to invite other girls over.

What about sending your daughter to a day camp, summer program, or even to a short sleep away camp? You could get some broshures and let her pick the one that interests her most (within yout budget of course). Then she would be in a structured activity with other kids (new kids) and in an environment where she might be more likely to make new friends with a clean slate.

[Lisamom]

Thanks for the advice. School is out, so counselor is not available. When we started at the school, her counselor was not that willing to help. She is pleasant in class and outgoing, so they can't see the problem. Daughter is not shy at all, but has some social fears.

I don't know mothers of girls her age, just boys through my son's sports. I have tried at her swimming, but it is more a drop off and pick up environment.

The group outing is a good idea. I will give that a try. She is hesitant to invite the two girls she knows best at the same time because they did not seem to like each other much at her birthday last month.

Daughter has asked to go away to sleep over camp for a couple of years now, and she will be going next month for a week. This does not solve the friends issue here.

I got her to text her two friends today to invite them on an outing. Both were busy at other things. We are on vacation next week and I told her when we get back I want her to make an active effort to get together with these girls.

She was very happy going to the pool with her younger brother and his friend. Came home and read all evening while the boys played together. She is both very mature for her age and socially immature. Does that make sense? Super responsible and self disciplined. I just feel she is choosing to miss out on the social part of life. When she is engaged in social life, she is so giggly and alive. She just needs a push all the time to engage in social life. Am I right to keep pushing? Any suggestion from me that she do something to increase social life seems to make her feel badly. She then gets worried that there is something wrong with her because her mother is suggesting there is something wrong. She is so hormonal having just gotten her period. I feel like I am walking on eggshells with every conversation. My husband thinks I should just leave it alone and let her spend time by herself if that is what she is choosing. I am uncertain what my responsibility here is.

That's a tough one. Continue to push her or not? I think it's great that you are pushing your daughter to be more social. Maybe your daughter likes being introverted? or Maybe your daughter feel embarrassed talking about it? I think you should take her to see a therapist to see if there is anything wrong. I thinks its better to figure whats up before she gets older.

[Poppy Princess]

I don't know. Some kids don't care about having friends.

[Lisamom]

She does not want to talk to anyone about this matter, except me but I did open the door that if she wanted to, I would arrange it. We are off on vacation this week so we can let the matter rest. I will try to plan a few outings and ask her to invite a friend. Going to try to push gently and remind her of opportunities to include friends without insisting. I hope that helps. My mom was so uninvolved in my life I don't want to overcompensate. Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. Introverts come in all personality types. Don't want to make her be something she is not to please me.

I am not a parent so it is hard for me to relate to your concerns; however, I am a daughter If I may suggest, perhaps you should speak with a T to talk about why it is so vital to you that your daughter have a big social life, when it seems she is doing fine. I had some social anxiety as a teen, and my mother pushing me or even forcing me to do things (because she thought it would be good for me) only made things worse.

One of the things that stood out for me is that your family moves quite a bit. Perhaps that is the reason why she doesn't feel comfortable getting close to non-family members and she chooses the safety of her brother and being at home (she can count on you to be there and you "know" each other). Just throwing it out there, though. Idk. I am not in her shoes.

I do remember very clearly that teenage years are soo hard and if your daughter is naturally introverted or simply comfortable being in her own skin, in her own company, that isnt necessarily a bad thing. Esp because you mentioned she does well in school, goes to school, is on the swim team and is generally a good kid.

Just a thought, too, from my own pre-teen, teen years: a lot of the girls were incredibly gossipy, catty, hormonal and some times cruel. I saw right through them and didnt want to be around that in social situations. In addition, I did not want to particiapte in the "experimentation" the kids were involved with. this type of behaviour crosses all socio-economic areas, and I was raised in a very well to do, upscale, family-oriented beach community (in case you were, wondering).

I also attended summer camp, sleepaway, for two weeks every summer, rode horses as a regulae hobby and loved water sports (from the time I was little). I participated in activites during the school year, as well. And we went in family vacations.

I just didnt want to get involved with all the teen drama and antics. And I was a teen

I wish my mother, though, understood better instead of nagging me and pushing me. I felt as if everything was ok ... she was the one that made me feel abnormal and not good enough. It cut me deeply and affected my self esteem.

Please let us know how you are doing. I really do feel for you.

[momiswriting]

I think you should let her take the lead in her social life and not push her. Facilitate what she needs, but don't push.

I'm an introvert and I find it exhausting to be around people. I have fun going out but I can't do it too much and it makes me tired. Same that I'm perfectly pleasant, can fit in well, but there's only been a few people I've met in my life who I don't need to "recover" from with alone time, even if I like them.

ETA : Rose's post is just right. It's more likely to make your daughter think you think something is wrong with her if you keep bringing it up.