[jkbob]

My husband and I have had issues for years. I'm not going to get into all of the details but we both are very much at fault for where we are now. I've read the books, we're in marriage counseling, I'm in individual counseling, and I am doing everything I can on my end to improve our relationship which will hopefully motivate him to do more on his end as well.

Part of what I try to do (when I'm with my/our therapist or talking to my one really close friend who knows what's going on), is to be as honest and factual as I can. I try not to lay blame or exaggerate because I want a real answer. I'll admit to what I did wrong and try to explain as impartially as possible what my husband did. In many cases my husband will tell me I'm lying. Either by saying something like "why don't you tell him the whole truth" or "why don't you tell him what you did" or "that's not what really happened" or something along the lines of I'm misconstruing the truth.

Aside from him eavesdropping while I was on the phone last night (outside so I wouldn't disturb him or the kids) he got angry when he overheard me telling my friend some of the details of our last argument. He opened the door and said "Why don't you tell him the truth" and slammed the door shut again. Doesn't he get that there are ALWAYS two sides to a story and that they can both be factually correct but how we each view them might be different? Why is it so hard to understand that I can disagree and even mention what he did to upset me (and what I did wrong too) and realize that I'm not trying to bash him and play the victim but rather trying to understand everything that happened?

So frustrated.

[Leed]

Just my own experience, but I think that MY 'ex' just couldn't admit to what he did wrong, so he kept making statements like that, throwing the blame back AT me instead of taking ANY of the responsibility. According to him, ALL the blame was mine. A marriage usually does not fall apart because of ONE person. It takes two to ruin a marriage.

It sounds like that with your husband. He doesn't want to take any responsibility for any of your problems. Even if the truth were right in front of him, he'd throw it right back in your face. That's unfortunate because I'm sure he is responsible for much of the problems too.

It's going to take the therapist to point this out to him, not you. I'm sure he's resentful of you right now. And he may not even take it from the therapist! My 'ex' walked out of the session, when the therapist told him he was wrong. He never went back either. I hope you have better luck!

I wish you the very best. Please keep us updated as to what happens, ok? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by jkbob

My husband and I have had issues for years. I'm not going to get into all of the details but we both are very much at fault for where we are now. I've read the books, we're in marriage counseling, I'm in individual counseling, and I am doing everything I can on my end to improve our relationship which will hopefully motivate him to do more on his end as well.

Part of what I try to do (when I'm with my/our therapist or talking to my one really close friend who knows what's going on), is to be as honest and factual as I can. I try not to lay blame or exaggerate because I want a real answer. I'll admit to what I did wrong and try to explain as impartially as possible what my husband did. In many cases my husband will tell me I'm lying. Either by saying something like "why don't you tell him the whole truth" or "why don't you tell him what you did" or "that's not what really happened" or something along the lines of I'm misconstruing the truth.

Aside from him eavesdropping while I was on the phone last night (outside so I wouldn't disturb him or the kids) he got angry when he overheard me telling my friend some of the details of our last argument. He opened the door and said "Why don't you tell him the truth" and slammed the door shut again. Doesn't he get that there are ALWAYS two sides to a story and that they can both be factually correct but how we each view them might be different? Why is it so hard to understand that I can disagree and even mention what he did to upset me (and what I did wrong too) and realize that I'm not trying to bash him and play the victim but rather trying to understand everything that happened?

So frustrated.

Is he saying these things, in front of your marriage counselor? Or, is he asking you to tell him, what your mentioned in your individual session?
I, feel, if there is an issue from him, during a joint session, it's up to him to address that, right then and there, and allow the therapist to mediate. Otherwise, it's actually OK, to have an individual session and NOT have to tell him, anything that you discussed with your therapist.

As far, as the eavesdropping goes, you have a right to have a private conversation. To me, this seems less about your telling your feelings to your friend, and more, that you are being asked to justify yourself to him, if that makes sense? You have a right to your friendships, privacy, and to state whatever you feel you want with your friends. Without him, slamming doors while you are on a private telephone conversation.

[jkbob]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Is he saying these things, in front of your marriage counselor? Or, is he asking you to tell him, what your mentioned in your individual session?
I, feel, if there is an issue from him, during a joint session, it's up to him to address that, right then and there, and allow the therapist to mediate. Otherwise, it's actually OK, to have an individual session and NOT have to tell him, anything that you discussed with your therapist.

As far, as the eavesdropping goes, you have a right to have a private conversation. To me, this seems less about your telling your feelings to your friend, and more, that you are being asked to justify yourself to him, if that makes sense? You have a right to your friendships, privacy, and to state whatever you feel you want with your friends. Without him, slamming doors while you are on a private telephone conversation.

He says these things to me during an argument and during marriage counseling, less so during the later but it's still there and more subtle where he says I'm exaggerating or spinning the truth. It's hard for me to speak up and say otherwise. I struggle with opening up in therapy. I don't discuss my individual counseling with him.

I know I have a right to have a conversation without him eavesdropping. He actually said he couldn't help but overhear me. I'm not so concerned with that than I am hurt by the fact he always implies or says that I am lying in order to make him look bad or to hurt him or to make myself look better when I'm the one at fault.

[H3rmit]

There is no "the" truth. Maybe tell him that and that you are telling truth as best you can, and you're willing to listen to his understanding of it later in a calm and reasoned discussion, but not to eavestrop and interrupt your phone conversations. Those seems like workable boundaries and a frame of reference that could be the basis for improvement rather than the way things are now.

[Leed]

I would also tell him that you expect respect. You expect nothing more but will ACCEPT nothing less! Plain and simple.