[StephanieEas]

I really need someone else's opinion and any tips on a situation that I'm in.

I'm 23 years old and I live with my parents, who are, in my opinion, very controlling. Growing up we already had a lot of rules and routines that both my brother and I had to stick to (no cartoons, no potato chips or soda on week days, stuff like that)

I have always been a very obediant child, also as a teenager, I always did what my parents told me, I always stuck to all of the rules, but right now I feel like that's working against me because, even now I'm 23 and I want to make my own choices and do my own things, I'm still under their control.

I am still not allowed to eat potato chips and drink soda on week days, my parents constantly check what I buy with my own money, and I have to ask their permission first before buying something at all or I'll most likely get yelled at. I want to be a vegetarian but my parents don't allow me to.

When I started college 4 years ago I wanted to move out and move into a student home closer to school, but my parents wouldn't let me, so for the past four years I have been travelling by train for 4 hours every day for school and it often means I have to get up at 5 am in order to get to school on time. Also I really feel like I missed out on a lot of what is the student life because of that.

All the time my parents check where I am, what I am doing, where I am going.A week ago my father yelled at me because I had gone to school that day without telling him that I had class, so he didn't know where I was and when I got home he was angry.

Because my mother is chronically ill and my father is on a long term sick leave they are both always home, they are always around me and it's driving me crazy. I just really need my own place and my own routines and make my own choices. When I'm sitting on the couch reading a book my father is often sitting across from me just looking at me. Also he constantly checks what I eat and makes comments like "that fat butt of yours isn't going anywhere" whenever I eat something unhealthy (I am a healthy normal weight, by the way and I run 3 times a week).

My father is just always making hurtful and insulting comments on my weight on the things I'm passionate about, on the fact that I'm a bit of a nerd. He always makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him.

My therapist told me I just really need to move out, but financially that's not an option right now (I am saving money and working to make moving out possible, but also I am on a waiting list for a rental place, but I'll most likely have to wait for another 2 years).

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with my parents and how to manage my own anger and frustration with the whole thing? I feel so crowded by my parents. Talking about how they make me feel doesn't work by the way, I have tried that often, but any talk related to feelings in our house is quickly dismissed, ridiculed or joked about.

(I'm sorry this turned into such a long rant, but I just really need other people's point of view on this.)

[RoseBee]

Moving out would be the best option. Is there any chance you have enough saved for a cheaper rental? Is there a friend looking for a roommate? What about college housing, like dorms?

If you truly can't move out right now, talk with your therapist about ways to approach the situation. I am apprehensive about talking about HOW to start the conversation because it sounds like your father is under a great deal of stress and is perhaps emotionally abusive. Does he treat your mother this way? Could he be displacing his treatment of her onto you? While I can't offer any advice, I can share my personal experience and maybe you can glean something from that.

My stepfather, who I thought was my father until I was 23, was that way. I finally got fed up with it about 19 after being bullied by him for many years, and I asked him what his problem with me was. I informed him I was 19, in college on full scholarship, and he's always been so strict and such an *** to me. He replied that I was on full scholarship because of the way he treated me. I told him, "No, I am on full scholarship because I am smart and work hard, I am in therapy because of the way you treat me." I walked out and never spoke to him again because I didn't have to. (I had fantasized about this moment since the age of 9 when I got my period and he threw feminine products at me in the store and in front of my friends.) There was no love lost. I saw him once more on his deathbed and it was awkward because I didn't have anything to say and couldn't make myself cry. I kinda felt like he was getting what he deserved. (He died of mouth and throat cancer, most of his abuse came from his mouth.) I really don't want that for you because its awful, awkward, and confusing. I regret not telling him much he hurt me. There was a road going back though, but it would require him to stop being a jerk. I don't think he would have taken it. Because I never really had a good father figure, I kept dating men that were either man-children or much older than me. I finally married someone 14 years older than me and we were married for 2.5 years. Eventually, I grew up and didn't need the father figure I married him for. There were other things that led to the divorce such as: his not doing anything about his health, his verbal and emotional abuse, he did a lot of things I didn't like and thought it was funny to see me get mad, etc.

I am sorry that you are still in this situation and it sounds like you have a plan to get out of it. I hope you find some coping mechanism, or a good apartment, soon.

[~Christina]

If you are still in college you can get a housing allowance ( Dorms) Yes it will increase the student loans you will need to repay... But I would think that would be an ok thing to just get you out of your parents home. Plus all those hours being spent getting back and forth to college, could be hours you could work and earn money.

[AAAAA]

It's difficult to live with your parents as an adult. When my husband got out of the military and we returned to the area that we were from, the house that we had planned on renting fell through and we ended up living with my parents for 6 weeks. It was the longest 6 weeks of my life.

You would think that experience would have made me more... informed, compassionate... as to what my children would feel coming home but here's what it boils down to. My children have a home with us for as long as they want free of charge. BUT there are house rules to follow. Logically I know that while my daughter was away at college she was able to come and go as she pleased, but while she was living here summers, holidays, and after she graduated she needed to let us know where she was going and what time she would be coming home. I understand that fear of not knowing where your child is. She may not have let her roommate know where she was, but I'm not her roommate, I'm her mother. It's not logical, but it's different.

My father's "sense of humor" was sometimes... cruel. I see now that was not his intent, but it sure did sting at the time. Right now it seems that you have to make the best of a bad situation. You can teach an old dog new tricks. When your father makes a hurtful comment, take a breath and say "that was really mean, cruel, (insert adjective)" and walk out of the room. Make your bedroom your haven. Read in bed. Is there a library or a coffee house nearby? Spend your time there reading or doing homework. Better yet find a park.

What would you do if this was a roommate rather than a parent? What tools would you utilize to make your situation more bearable? Your parents can push your buttons because they've installed them . Try to distance yourself emotionally a little bit. Right now you're raw because one situation compounds the next. Have you asked that your father come to a therapy session?