[Mahai]

35 year old son had mental breakdown around Christmas after losing his wife and his job. He had been under trememdous strain for a long time trying to take care of a chronically ill wife, do all the house and cooking, and hold down a stressful job.

So he had to come home to us. We live in the country and we are rather isolated. He has no friends in this area and he is unable to work due to his mental condition. He has sought treatment for that and is in therapy but it is going to be a long process. His doctor has given him anti depressants and chlomaziphan ( wrong spelling but I don't know how to spell it) for his anxiety.

Now I find quite by accident that he has been drinking. Went to put away some of his clothes and found several smallish empty whiskey bottles.

We do not drink and do not have it in the house. He knows that he cannot drink here as it is written down.

He is still in a very emotional state from losing his wife and she is still being manipulative by calling weekly 'just to check in' or to tell him something about the dog or whatever. And he is a mess after every call but will not block her as he still loves her.

Am I being too harsh if I tell him he stops the drinking or he is out of the house. Knowing that he has nowhere else to go as all his friends are a thousand miles away. I love him so much but, having suffered from extreme drinking in my extended family AND knowing that my husband had a drinking problem before I met him many years ago, I just cannot live with alcohol in my house. Will this throw him even further into depression and anxiety because he only has us. Do I have the right to tell a 35 year old that he can't drink here and he can't drive my vehicle when he has been drinking. The way he is right now, unable to think clearly, shaking, sleeping very poorly if at all is breaking our hearts as he has always been a hard working intelligent man and has always had a good job. We walk a fine line as we don't want to set him back from the fragile progress he has made.

Our once happy, calm life has turned into a nightmare and I don't know how to get it back. We love our son very much but.... well we are in our sixties, almost seventies, and we don't know what to do. We would be grateful for any advice.

[optimize990h]

Alcohol is a depressive, so it would not help his depression. It could interact with his prescribed medications which would also impair his driving if he drank and drove. In order to decrease any chance of a car accident that could injure people, appropriate measures need to be taken.

House rule of no alcohol should be adhered to. Whatever the reason for self medication with alcohol, it is likely to lead to a habit. In order for him to process the loss of his job, his wife, and self esteem, he needs to work through his therapeutic plan.

It has to be a firm approach regarding the alcohol, but it needs to be done. Mention acknowledgement of his difficult situation(grieving aforementioned losses), but he needs to work it out without alcohol.

You know your son better than I, so tailor my suggestions based on your judgement. You could also try Alanon for support if you feel it is required. Take care.

[TanyaP]

Originally Posted by Mahai

35 year old son had mental breakdown around Christmas after losing his wife and his job. He had been under trememdous strain for a long time trying to take care of a chronically ill wife, do all the house and cooking, and hold down a stressful job.

So he had to come home to us. We live in the country and we are rather isolated. He has no friends in this area and he is unable to work due to his mental condition. He has sought treatment for that and is in therapy but it is going to be a long process. His doctor has given him anti depressants and chlomaziphan ( wrong spelling but I don't know how to spell it) for his anxiety.

Now I find quite by accident that he has been drinking. Went to put away some of his clothes and found several smallish empty whiskey bottles.

We do not drink and do not have it in the house. He knows that he cannot drink here as it is written down.

He is still in a very emotional state from losing his wife and she is still being manipulative by calling weekly 'just to check in' or to tell him something about the dog or whatever. And he is a mess after every call but will not block her as he still loves her.

Am I being too harsh if I tell him he stops the drinking or he is out of the house. Knowing that he has nowhere else to go as all his friends are a thousand miles away. I love him so much but, having suffered from extreme drinking in my extended family AND knowing that my husband had a drinking problem before I met him many years ago, I just cannot live with alcohol in my house. Will this throw him even further into depression and anxiety because he only has us. Do I have the right to tell a 35 year old that he can't drink here and he can't drive my vehicle when he has been drinking. The way he is right now, unable to think clearly, shaking, sleeping very poorly if at all is breaking our hearts as he has always been a hard working intelligent man and has always had a good job. We walk a fine line as we don't want to set him back from the fragile progress he has made.

Our once happy, calm life has turned into a nightmare and I don't know how to get it back. We love our son very much but.... well we are in our sixties, almost seventies, and we don't know what to do. We would be grateful for any advice.

Not sure if it's right for your son to take medications at all. His depression was caused by him losing his wife, not by hormonal misbalance. So really not sure meds will help. And they can be addictive at times too. Many people go on meds for a lifetime once they started taking them once.. Perhaps he should just talk to a counselor and "talk off" his problems.
And then if he still loves his wife and she still tries to contact him - perhaps she might still care for him too and there could still be a chance for them to get together? Even if you don't think she's the right lady for him, but he does love and and she still does have some feelings for him, perhaps there's a chance they both might be still happier together?
Speaking of drinking, it all depends on whether it's chronic or just something he does at this very moment because of the loss he suffered. If he does it all the time, you should certainly tell him to stop it. But if he just did drink a couple of times to relieve stress from his loss - it may have been a simple short term weakness. Driving a vehicle after he drank is certainly unacceptable, so make sure he doesn't "drink and drive". But if he had a couple of drinks in the evening once or twice it can't be looked upon as something real terrible or anything like that