[Nexxus]

I'm sorry to make this so long. I really just needed to vent. I hope that maybe someone can give me some advice of some sort. I'm at my wit's end. This is consuming me in the worst way. Not even when I sleep, can I forget about this. I wake up, feeling depressed, without even having thought of my problems yet... Again, sorry, but it is a vent at the same time. I hope someone will care enough to read. Not many people in my life right now care enough, except my family, and one of my friends, who is arguably the only close friend I have left... And she just might have bigger problems than I do.

Well... I'm almost half way through 17... We moved about mid-way through last year. It was hard, coming to a new school. I made a few friends, which was good enough to me. It was funny, I made friends with a band of "mis-fits". So in a weird way, I brought people together who didn't normally talk. Not really the best of friends, but a group of friends, all the same. Anyway...

Even not long after I was there, people were talking crap about me, but it was those kind of people who hates everyone but the "in" crowd. I could tell from day 1 I hated them anyway, so I didn't care, and moved on. It was about the funniest thing too, about me having trouble in math. I do very well in school (when I want to apply myself), but math, I've had trouble with for at least 5 years now. I always JUST manage to pass by a slim margin... I failed, but I was only there a couple months and you know how math is, a lot to learn, and building on those things you learn.

So there were a few hurdles I had to jump over, but you know, that's OK. Nothing too ridiculous. The problem is, I was only in school for half the year.

They wanted to not give me credit for certain things, etc, but now, it has all slipped through the cracks...at the time though, I didn't have the "Seat time", you see. These were for major courses. Um, well anyway, back to the situation at hand.

So come last summer, I was really happy to be out of school. To have the breathing room of summer. I went back to my old house which was still being moved. We had been going back and forth on weekends the previous year to keep working. I had actually missed quite a few Mondays because of it. Over the summer we were supposed to finish... We didn't.

Well anyway, over the summer, I was hanging out with my group of friends from my old school. After a while, it turns out a couple of them were just using me. Not at first, but after going to this one dude's house with this bunch of people, after a few times (and it hadn't been an issue the other times I went) I'd always have to cover other people because they decided they wouldn't bring money, or enough. I'm glad to do favors, but not when it's every single time. They then started using me (and my mom for god sake) for rides home.

I felt like the third wheel and broke it off... Only one of them, who was once my closest friend, still contacts me every now and then. Sometimes we'll play Xbox ie Saints Row: The Third, Halo, COD, etc...

Talking about Xbox... There were others who I used to play with all the time. All friends from my old school, who I wasn't on a hanging out basis with, but we still talked all the time in school, on Xbox Live, etc.

So... Start this school year... I actually missed the first day because of some issues with the apartment we're currently in. So I went in the second day, nervous... Well it turned out I had the perfect schedule, and I was around people I was at least familiar with in all my classes. I mean, I've always been socially anxious, but when I get "settled", I'm usually OK, more or less. Except in Gym...

Now like I said, we weren't done moving our house. The thing is, something forced us to have to go back for a while. Actually, at first, we were back for less than a week. Unfortunately, I got sick, so it took a toll of a few more days, midway through the FOLLOWING week. So I go back and I'm trying to frantically make up work, etc. So I'm planning on going to school that Monday, right?

So long story short, we were gone for another month and a week... We got back about October 28th? Just before the brunt of Sandy hit. What slowed this down even more, is I pulled ligaments in my ankle loading a truck. I was in soft casts, etc for a while, but this needed to get done. I couldn't go back yet if I'd wanted to. And deep down? I did. But on the outside, I didn't. I mean, who cares about school, right?

So we finished unloading trucks like November 5th. My mom told me to go back to school, but... I was afraid... I'm very shy. I don't know if I have Social Anxiety Disorder, because once I know people, I'm very comfortable around them. However, in a room of unfamiliar people, I get very on-edge, like people are watching me or judging me... but being with someone I know makes this less stressful. My feelings of "paranoia"? Keep reading...

Well... I was trying to make up a bunch of schoolwork frantically, just to have something to hand in when I went. I really was going to go back. But I was so consumed by my fear of what people would think, what they would say, how I could explain it if people asked..?

Now it was the middle of November... A couple of people actually messaged me and asked if I was cool and if I'd be back. I told them I'd be back next week... They messaged me on the same day, so obviously, this was kind of going around, probably with the teachers, staff, etc. That would have been my last chance. They'd taken me off the registry.

They had told me to just come into school, but I told my mom I needed a push and to force me to go... I know she's not to blame.... But she always was on top of me going to school. I mean, if I was really stressed, or sick of course, I'd take a day or two off, and just get work from people to calm myself down, but... Well I needed it, and one of the few times I truly needed her as a parent, I feel like she let me down... I know it's my fault, though. It's easy to blame others, but I know I'm just as much to blame, really...

All the while, there had been this girl I'd liked... I really was going to ask her out. If not, I'd ask her to the prom (it WAS my junior year, and they did it 11th grade, but I'd spoken to this girl and she said that 10th graders had been invited this year as well... FML). She was a grade below me... I had several classes with her... I had a chance. I know for a fact she was at least comfortable around me, and if any of you ask, I'll elaborate further, but it's not really important. I thought she liked me, but I at least know she didn't dislike me...

She's been like the monument to all my failures. I don't know what I really feel about her. My judgement is cloudy, but even I know that just a crush, in my mind, is filling some "spectacular" role. I thought she liked me... Once... I posted something similar to this post, outlining it, on another site. However, I sounded a lot more obsessive, and depressed. Some girls from school found it, friends of hers...

But how could they have found it? Thounsands of people use that site? I was using a false name... It was a long post, as long as this one... How, then?

It's not them I'm worried about. I mean, of course I hate that they found it, but who else knows? Who else have they told? Could they have been that heartless? They knew what I was going through, they read the post! I'm sure "she" knows... What will people say? People will laugh at me... She would think I'm creepy... Everyone would think I'm some kind of freak. I can't go back... Could I?

I'd spoken to that one "close friend" I'd mentioned. I haven't spoken to her in a while, because of issues with her boyfriend. We got really close, and he was constantly paranoid of her cheating with me. He has... Had, nothing to worry about, but I know now why he felt that way. Even still, he cheated on her, and was hanging out with female friends. I guess he's just a hypocrite. Well, anyway...

She told me that if this got out, it probably hasn't gotten very far, because she hasn't heard anything. What if people know and just aren't talking about it? The chances that BOTH of those girls kept all this to themselves? Slim... Maybe they're smarter than that? I would hope so... But either way, I REALLY doubt they're trying to play matchmaker.

I'm still anguished over that feeling of perfection at the beginning of the year. Like everything would be great. It was the first time I started a school year, feeling comfortable. Well, maybe since 5th grade. I was going into 11th, she was going into 10th, if I didn't mention this...

I didn't have that overwhelming feeling of "I hate my life and it's going to be another 'crappy' year". I really had grown comfortable, at least to the extent of functioning in school, the few days I'd been there...

I'll have to repeat the 11th grade. But it still feels like the only chance I had with this girl, would be to go back in time... Now, it's consuming me so much, I dream about this, almost every night. Not in a positive light, but as if my sub-conscious doesn't want me to forget, like I'm throwing my own failures in my face. I could do home schooling and move on... But it's strange. I feel like I was robbed. I still had half of high school to go. I thought things would get better. I want to re-live that. I'm deluding myself. It can never be the same..

I mentioned one of her friends, in fact, arguably her best friend, being one of the people who found my yahoo post... I think of her almost as much as this other girl. It's going to sound silly, but, she was one of the only people who went out of their way to be nice to me and say hi. I appreciated that. Not that I care about it much, but it was nice of her.. What part could she play in all this?

She's probably just a two-faced *****, for all I know... Even still, she was nice to me, even at the beginning of the year, the few days I was there. Why then, would she tear my life to shreds? Am I imagining them doing that? How could their intentions be positive?

So, why do I think others know? Well, let's see... Actually, unrelated, but the same day I posted that thing, they posted on each others Facebook's. It could have related to my post, but at the time, I figured it was just an inside joke of theirs or something. I mean, why would either of them be looking around a section on dating at 4:00am?

Well, a few days later, I went to church. There was this girl who had been in... Well, at least one of my classes. Actually, my family had went to church without me, and brought back a pamphlet. Apparently, her father had to do with the church, so I recognized the last name. When I went there, she was there, with her family.

We'd tried to get in discreetly, because we were a bit late. Of course, you can still see motion, but nothing to alert everyone, you know? So as I'm sitting down, this girl glances at us, but then, stares not at my family, but me, specifically. I tried to act like I didn't notice, but I seen her clearly. It was dim. I could look back from the corner of my eye without any "glare". So I realized who it was. Granted, I'd never talked to her before.

So of course I think back now, was she staring at me because she seen a familiar face? Or because she knew?

Another thing... I made an instagram, not long ago. That same girl that same girl that had always been nice to me... She followed me at 6:00am, like a stalker-***** (excuse my language)... I followed her back, and she accepted the follow request. So about a week later, I posted my first picture. While I was on, I liked one she posted... INSTANTANEOUSLY, she unfollowed me. Just a minute later, the other girl who, I guess found the post followed me.

So I'm thinking to myself, why would she do that? These people are effing nuts! I suspected they knew, now... The next day, I had to go to my cousin's wedding. I was very unfriendly with people, because of course, this is when the "dismantling of my life" feeling set in... How I made it through that wedding, so many hours, I have no idea.

The next day, I'm trying to calm myself down, thinking everything is fine... A boy I'd met last year had posted a status... But wait...

So I see a notification on my facebook. (------ ------ has tagged you in a post) or whatever. I was thinking to myself... "My god..." But when I read the post, I was horrified.

This boy had posted "Whale watch." (Near Boston, MA)

And on his status? The "other" girl tagged "HER" name and the one who I said was nice to me? Tagged mine... This guy had then accepted my friend request about a minute after they'd tagged me...

The first words that popped into my head was "Welp, I guess I have to move now.."

So couldn't it be very possible this dude knows too? I mean, why would he just accept the request I'd sent him so long before? I don't understand... Like I said, my friend said she hasn't heard anything, but... What if SHE just hasn't heard anything? About that other girl, who was telling me about prom and has asked how I was doing, etc. I hadn't told her the situation, but I hinted as far as I could go... She didn't know anything, she'd tell me. She knew me far better than those others, so she would come clean, I think.

Anyway, about a week ago, I posted a picture of myself on instagram. A couple of my old friends liked it, and that "other" girl liked. Did she really? Or is she just taunting me?

Talking about this... The girl I said was always nice to me? I'll post statuses on Facebook... I can tell you like clockwork, when she'll like them. If I post anything pertaining to an awkward situation, or being shy, etc, she'll like it. Even before all of this. It's weird. She liked a status of mine two days ago... The status? It's like she was taunting me by liking it...

This is so long... But almost done...

Why did I like this girl? Well to be honest, I'd thought she was pretty hot from afar. Being the quiet guy that I am, she was a year ahead in one course. I'd been ahead in others, but not this one. Anyway, me being the quiet guy that I am, I'm very good at observing and analyzing. I guess that comes from my constant paranoia, if you'd call it that. Anyway, she seemed nice...

To be honest, I know looks wise, she's completely out of my league, or so I think... But if I read her right, she would truly be my ideal girl. Let me elaborate. I don't like "partiers". I mean, I don't really look down on people who go to an occasional party, or have hooked up with a person or two. I mean, it's part of growing up.. I guess... But I don't like people who constantly like clockwork, smoke cigarettes, weed, constantly hook up. I mean, like I said, I think everything is fine in moderation, but I don't like this as a lifestyle. Hell, I couldn't be apart of any of this if I wanted to. It's not like I get invited to anything... Do I want to? Am I secretly jealous, disguising myself as "Above" others? I'm open to the possibility.

Well, everything about her screamed out "good" girl. She played sports, was a straight-A student. From her personality, it didn't seem like she did any of this... Same with people I've seen her associated herself with.

This will sound really silly... But is she still that "virgin princess" I remember? Was she ever? Could she have changed in a year? Either way, she probably knows, and probably thinks I'm crazy... Why would she even...? *sigh*

I was at a comedy show the other day. You may have heard of Kevin Downey Jr? Well he was talking about how his ideal woman has changed. When he was 21, he wanted the perfect "virgin princess". Now, just wanted an alcoholic with no gag reflex. The guy really was funny... But maybe that's this god-like standard I'd like to hold my perfect girl on... The perfect virgin princess. It seems silly, I know. This girl is easily a high 8, looks wise, without factoring personality. Well, some might say that she isn't gorgeous, looks wise, but I dunno... I thought she was. And she had a nice body too. If she was as nice as she appeared, she was one hell of a package...

Which makes me wonder... At the time, I thought she was interested. She was hot, but there were other hot girls too. At the same time though, could she have ever liked a guy like ME? I'm not good looking... I mean, I don't really think I'm ugly, but I would say slightly below average to average. My body isn't very nice either. If I worked out, I'd look like a rhino, muscle wise. Large build, big boned, etc. But if I was really in shape? I don't think without surgery, I could be above a 7.5, no matter how you stack it. If you factor personality, MAYBE an 8, but right now? I don't think I could be much better than a 5, looks wise. With personality, I might almost scrape a 6.

Well, I'm getting far from my topic... Although it's related.

So here I stand. Home, on the computer. I have that summer-ey feel. Like it's beautiful outside. It feels like everyone in the world is having a good time around me. I don't have any friends, really... I'm paranoid, so I can't leave the house. It feels like I can't move forward. How can I go into school with comfort if I feel this paranoid? I would like to confront that one girl, but I fear this would escalate the situation...

And again, here I stand. 17. Wasted a year of my life. Wasted my chance with a girl that I was determined to have... At least for a while. 17. No girlfriend, ever. A virgin. Never been kissed... If I was otherwise confident, of fair popularity, etc, and girls were doing flying leaps across rooms to come and talk to me, I could let the girl go... Unfortunately for most of us average joe's, this is not the reality.

I can't let go of her, though... What if my only chance with her would have been to go back to school? If not November, even later? I just... What if all this alters the course of my life? What if I'm alone forever? I don't feel like I'm hookup material, let alone dating material... Even further off, husband material. Am I implying I'd marry this girl if things worked out? It's so unlikely, no. But it does happen...

How do I move... forward from this? Wherever forward is? I know this is unbelievable long, but I'm just trying to vent... I don't know what to do. Where to turn. How to do... Anything. I've been going to from anger to the brink of tears for longer than I care to know, now... Even though it's only been about a month and a half. I was deluding myself into thinking that things would be better and that an extra (well, not really extra) year of high school could be good for me. Well, not anymore...

I feel now, that I should seek professional help... But what can they tell me at this point? Keep calm and carry on? hah... Medication won't help if I have an entire school thinking I'm a creep, or laughing at me, or whatever sick false reality I can probably come up with right now...

I just hope, someone can give me some advice... Thanks. A lot.

[winter4me]

I don't really know what to say, you sound anxious and seem to be obsessing on what people think and your ideal girl. This is not unusual at your age but you are distressed and in a new environment. It is hard to believe now, but all this will pass with time and high school will become a small part of your life. Because you miss school due to anxiety, and are worried about others, I think it would be good for you to talk to a professional. Would your mom help you do this? It does sound like you could use someone to help you sort out what is going on in and around you. In many ways you sound like a normal kid...just some of the usual concerns are very intense for you. Do talk to someone, you need a place to vent and problem solve. And DO hang here on PC, you will find others who understand and who you can talk with. WELCOME TO PC by the way.

[adam_k]

I only have a couple words of advice. The first relates to people using you. I have been in this spot before and I just want to say you have to stand up for yourself and push back a little. If you feel people are taking advantage of you tell them to back off. Set healthy boundaries. Don't say yes to everything and everyone. Let yourself be selfish every once and a while. People that don't say now or speak up get walked on because other people think you are fine with it. Remember it is ok to say no to someone.

The other advise is that being 17 and trying to find love is confusing. People make judgements and classify each other in a way that just doesnt extend much beyone school. Dating becomes a lot more fulfilling when you are done with high school. By then you are in college and gaining independance and figuring yourself out, as well as you are able to make choices on your own without needing to clear things with parents. Also the space from your own apartment, dorm or wherever you choose to live gives you the space and freedom to develop a more meaningful releationship. Things may suck for you right now, and you may feel like you wasted time and hopes on a girl, but it is a short amount of time and effort compared to the rest of your life. Keep your head up and things will work out for you.

[Nexxus]

Yes, my mom would help me. I apologize for the long post, but... I wasn't always this crazy or obsessive. Actually, I never was, until just a couple months ago.

Even still, I'm glad someone replied. Thanks.

[Nexxus]

Thank you, Adam. I only wish it seemed that easy right now...

[Nexxus]

Thanks, you guys. Glad people replied. I only wish it seemed that easy...

[Nexxus]

I dunno, my replies aren't showing up... If I post a bunch, I apologize.

[unfearless]

You wrote a long story, its good, talking about your problems sometimes makes you relief.

Some small part of your story that reminds me of myself when i was 17
"it turns out a couple of them were just using me. I've always been socially anxious. I'm very shy. I don't know if I have Social Anxiety Disorder, because once I know people, I'm very comfortable around them. However, in a room of unfamiliar people, I get very on-edge, like people are watching me or judging me... but being with someone I know makes this less stressful. My feelings of "paranoia"?
It feels like everyone in the world is having a good time around me. I don't have any friends, really... I'm paranoid, so I can't leave the house. It feels like I can't move forward
17. No girlfriend, ever. A virgin. Never been kissed"

I remember i'm starting to feel weird about myself since i was 17-18. I started to feel depressed, suicidal, or want to kill someone. But as a teenager, i dont really understand about my feelings at that time, confused, so i'm not trying to seek any professional help, and its getting worse now. Maybe yes you can try to find some help, worth to try, from your family or outside family. You sounds like me, maybe, i dont know. What you wrote up there, is exactly the same like me.
Just thought i'd share a little similar story of my life.

About the advice that you're looking for, i'm not really good about giving advice, but the school years is a hard time for people like us. Friends, romance, self-confidence, etc. You will get through whatever happens ahead, its just a matter of time and how you will get through it. It could be a good way, or bad way. Maybe i can only say, dont let people control you, you have to stand up in front of your friends, dont let them use you. Socially anxious? I am still today. But maybe from now on you can try to control your anxious, build your self-confidence, as you grow up perhaps you will get better and better person. Everything can starts from teenage years, whether it's good or bad thing. Try to always think positive.

Sorry if you dont get your answers from me, or the advice that you're looking for. But reading your story, makes me remember my awful teenage years, i just want to share a little of my story.

And, i had my first kiss when i was 19. I never had a girlfriend in highschool because i'm a loser, loner, quite, dont have many friends, too afraid about everything.

I'm a very depressed man today, its because i cant control my feelings since teenager, maybe if i can control it i wouldn't be this kind of person today. Or maybe, i was meant to be like this. You're still young, well i'm still young too, 29, but while you're still 17, try to live happy, and hopefuly you will become a happy person in the future.

[Nexxus]

It's just... I don't want to be like this forever... It felt like everything was going smoothly and I'd recovered from a rut I was already in. And here we are, again, same problems, but bigger.