[bipolarLady7]

I want to be a good friend to this person. It's a little hard sometimes, though, when she complains every time I talk to her (by phone - we're not in the same state anymore) and has a negative attitude about having had children, etc. I try to stay positive, and sometimes I find myself saying the same thing more than once in different conversations when she makes the same complaint. If you have any advice for me handling this, and how I can be a good friend to her, I'd love to hear it. Thanks.

[Hapalee]

Maybe she feels a connection to you and appreciates your advice. Maybe she just needs someone to listen. How long have you known this person? Do you consider her a good friend?

[tinyrabbit]

Is she a good friend to you?

[jadzea]

It sounds like you and I have the same friend. I usually just listen to what she has to say and offer some small comments. It really doesn't matter what I say because she is so intent on complaining she is not listening to me. She says just talking makes her feel better, so I listen.

I have to warn you though, this type of relationship gets very burdensome. I get tired of hearing her complain and gripe about everything. Sometimes I don't answer my phone because I need a break. I wish I never took on this role and that I coud end the relationship without hurting her. I get nothing out of our friendship.

[tinyrabbit]

I did actually end a friendship like this as I was so sick of the constant moaning. I cut her off after she moaned about her own life when I'd just said I needed to go home as my H's friend had died of cancer - she carried on talking about herself, it was the final straw!

[joker_girl]

How is the best way to end such a relationship, do you think? Just kind of fade away and ignore them?

I used to always be the listener and helper, now it seems I have taken on the role of Debbie Downer, so I try to not whine and complain too awful much to my friends without thinking, or make it always me, me, me.

I try really hard to not be like that all the time, I am aware that behavior mentally exhausts me when people do it constantly. I try and always be there if my friends need to talk or need help, and am generous with time and money. I know, though, that I'm not as cheery and positive as I used to be.

I have a friend who complains constantly. Everything is about her, how bad she has it, and how everyone is mean to her. She is also quite lazy, won't work or cook or clean, and sleeps around. If you have money or a bottle of medicine, don't leave it alone with her. She didn't used to be this way, and I keep hoping she will be normal again, but it never happens. Lol.

I avoid her a lot, don't return calls/texts or say I never got them. I've hidden and pretended not to be home. I feel guilty but she exhausts me.

[tinyrabbit]

I tried quietly withdrawing, but she kept ringing me to talk about her problems. Eventually I sent her an email saying I felt a bit sidelined as she tended not to ask how I was but just talk about herself, which she ignored. I asked her about it, saying maybe she just didn't get it, and she said: "Well I don't do one-sided friendships, so I don't know what you're talking about."

I realised then that there was just no hope, and next time she contacted me I politely said I didn't have time to speak, did that repeatedly and she got the message. I felt bad but there was just no hope!

I think I handled it better when another friend went through a phase of only contacting me when she had a problem. With her, she hadn't always been like that, it was a long phase (several months). Eventually I just told her I was happy to be there and listen but I also liked hearing from her when good stuff was happening and it would be lovely if sometimes she just rang to say hi, not to complain. She did actually get the message... I felt terrible, though.

[spondiferous]

I have a friend like this. He goes in and out of these real self-deprecating periods where he's the scum of the earth, nobody loves him, etc etc, and also that life sucks, there's no point in living, etc etc. And he's a grown man, around 40 or in his early 40s. I've known him around 10 years and he's been like that the entire time I've known him. I have actually had to tell him that if his attitude didn't change I would have to discontinue our friendship. He does suffer from hardcore depression and a history of severe childhood abuse, but at the same time it's impossible to have relationships with people like that. He would always tell me - still does - that I'm the only person who understands him, the only person who he loves or holds dear in this world. But I have still had to tell him, Look, it's impossible to be around you. You're negative all the time and by saying the things you do you're not only disrespecting yourself but the people you care about. He straightens up (for awhile at least) whenever I've said that to him. For me, it's not a primary enough relationship for me to have to choose one way or another whether to keep him in my life or let him go with any sense of urgency, so I've been able to keep him in my life.
There are ways to deal with people like this. I know, because I used to be one of these people. When she calls and starts complaining, just let her know that you either don't want to talk about this again or that you don't have the time. If she refuses to talk about anything else or gets angry that you don't want to listen to her complaining, you might want to have the 'Look, this is how it is' talk with her, depending on how good of a friend she is. If she's more of an acquaintance, you might just want to decrease contact with her or end it completely.

[Poppy Princess]

This is really why I avoid relationships. I don't really have anything happy to say but I don't want to bother anyone either. It sort of ends up a win-lose either way.

[tinyrabbit]

Just to be clear, I think it's fine to want support and to moan sometimes. The problem comes when one person moans all the time and never takes an interest in how the other person is.