[Monica Bing]

It's been a year since this relationship began. We were so happy together.
We're currently on a 2-week-break now because:

In the past 4 months:
1. He says I made him feel physically inadequate because I didn't compliment him on his looks as though I never noticed. He's been putting on weight & he's touchy abt it. He didn't tell me abt this for a long time. But ever since he talked abt it, he never believes me when I try to make him feel beautiful. He says he wants to cut himself.

2. He brings up old problems & says he can't trust me. I asked my friends if they'd break up with their boyfriends if he made the mistakes that I did, & explained with the same reasons that I gave - they all said no. I'm mentioning this cause I can't list all the problems we've had or it'll be too long. Maybe he suspects that I'm not true to him cause he feels inadequate for me.

3. He felt like he wouldn't be a good photographer cause I suggested that he do photography & another PG. I'd noticed that he had a real flair for social work (my major) & loved helping people. So I suggested he get a social work degree so he can work while pursuing a career in photography. My dad's a photographer & told me that it takes time for talent to be recognized - so he had to work a job too, until his career took off. He still works both jobs, cause he loves both.We'd need the money. He was interested at 1st but ltr he decided against my idea. I was disappointed but didn't force it.

4. His sleeping was disturbed & he was constantly tired for 2 weeks. I took him to my doctor & he said has an inferiority complex & is "worried". He refuses to come again. He's verbally abusive & it's like he's a different person now.
He ended this many times but changed his mind. He said he doesn't wanna break up & that he wants me to wait for 2 weeks, so he gets time to think abt stuff - maybe he'd find our problems silly & then we'd start over. We said we'd be exclusive & committed for these 2 weeks until we make a decision.

Today I found he'd registered to a pornsite. When I asked him abt it, he said something abt a friend creating it with his ID. he was rude - as if I was always disturbing him & not allowing him to have his time away from me. I texted "please be faithful or just leave"& he called to say "Now I'm thinking, y would I ever be with u again? You just lost yourself a point". I apologized & asked him what the chances r that we'll get back together & he said "very low". I told him to break it off now, y wait 2 weeks & he said it might change things. He said he felt respected when I'm not in his life.

5. He says he doesn't want responsibilities & doesn't feel like he has a voice in this relationship - like how he didn't hit the gym cause I told him to work out at home instead. I wanted him to avoid gymming for a while cause he had low self esteem body-wise & I didn't want him working out to get "sexier" but to get healthy. His psychiatrist advised the exact same thing. I didn't forbid him to go,just told him I disapprove of it for now.

6. He says he never gets time for friends cause of me. When we have college, we meet daily & don't get time for friends til weekend. He couldn't sleepover cause I couldn't sleep without him cause of the trauma from a previous abusive relationship. He could've met them or talked to them, he didnt. He says he doesn't get time for anything cause we always hv plans - but he calls me & asks "what r we doing today" so I make plans thinking he doesn't hv anything else. I can't read his mind or ask him every time right? I've had the same deal & I managed to check in with my pals. Although I agree that this is something that needs to change, I don't think I'd break up with him over it.

My doctor says he's attention-seeking & that I've done everything I can to help with his emotions, but he doesn't want help from me. So maybe what he really wants is for this to end, rather than for him to feel better abt us & stay together. He advises me against this relationship.

I was previously in a verbally & sexually abusive relationship for many years. I am still traumatized by memories of it and see a therapist now. I've been feeling very depressed and I worry all the time ever since we started having these problems.

I read that sometimes in relationships, a partner can seemingly give "advice" about life, like how to view a certain issue or address a certain problem, but they're not actually just giving advice but want their partner to behave in the way that they themselves would. Have I been doing that in this relationship? If I have, is that the only reason for all his problems?

He was understanding & helped me heal from my past abuse, until this started. At times he says he knows what we hv is real & he'd let these problems go if he loved me, but his ego & hurt won't let him. That's when he said we'll wait & see. The physiological symptoms of depression aren't really there anymore. most of the time he's rude & tries to be away from me.

A) Do u think he's ill (depressed) or that he's just a really insecure person who's tired of handling a relationship?
B) Am I truly the reason for his problems?
C) What do u think his problem really is?
D) Do u think this relationship will work if we give it another shot?
E) Is it better for me to leave or stay?

[Victoria'smom]

honestly this sounds like an abusive relationship. you should probably leave. He needs counseling but I really don't think you guys should stay together.from what you have wrote you are not the problem, and of course we can't tell you what dx he would have.

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by Monica Bing

It's been a yr since this relationship began. We were so happy.

We're currently on a 2-week-break because:

In the past 4 months:
1. He says I made him feel physically inadequate cause I didn't compliment him on his looks as though I never noticed. He's been putting on weight & he's touchy abt it. He didn't tell me abt this for a long time. But ever since he talked abt it, he never believes me when I try to make him feel beautiful. He says he wants to cut himself.

2. He brings up old problems & says he can't trust me. I asked my friends if they'd break up with their boyfriends if he made the mistakes that I did, & explained with the same reasons that I gave - they all said no. I'm mentioning this cause I can't list all the problems we've had or it'll be too long. Maybe he suspects that I'm not true to him cause he feels inadequate for me.

3. He felt like he wouldn't be a good photographer cause I suggested that he do photography & another PG. I'd noticed that he had a real flair for social work (my major) & loved helping people. So I suggested he get a social work degree so he can work while pursuing a career in photography. My dad's a photographer & told me that it takes time for talent to be recognized - so he had to work a job too, until his career took off. He still works both jobs, cause he loves both.We'd need the money. He was interested at 1st but ltr he decided against my idea. I was disappointed but didn't force it.

4. His sleeping was disturbed & he was constantly tired for 2 weeks. I took him to my doctor & he said has an inferiority complex & is "worried". He refuses to come again. He's verbally abusive & it's like he's a different person now.

He ended this many times but changed his mind. He said he doesn't wanna break up & that he wants me to wait for 2 weeks, so he gets time to think abt stuff - maybe he'd find our problems silly & then we'd start over. We said we'd be exclusive & committed for these 2 weeks until we make a decision.

Today I found he'd registered to a pornsite. When I asked him abt it, he said something abt a friend creating it with his ID. he was rude - as if I was always disturbing him & not allowing him to have his time away from me. I texted "please be faithful or just leave"& he called to say "Now I'm thinking, y would I ever be with u again? You just lost yourself a point". I apologized & asked him what the chances r that we'll get back together & he said "very low". I told him to break it off now, y wait 2 weeks & he said it might change things. He said he felt respected when I'm not in his life.

5. He says he doesn't want responsibilities & doesn't feel like he has a voice in this relationship - like how he didn't hit the gym cause I told him to work out at home instead. I wanted him to avoid gymming for a while cause he had low self esteem body-wise & I didn't want him working out to get "sexier" but to get healthy. His psychiatrist advised the exact same thing. I didn't forbid him to go, I just told him I disapprove of it for now.

6. He says he never gets time for friends cause of me. When we have college, we meet daily & don't get time for friends til weekend. He couldn't sleepover cause I couldn't sleep without him cause of the trauma from a previous abusive relationship. He could've met them or talked to them, he didnt. He says he doesn't get time for anything cause we always hv plans - but he calls me & asks "what r we doing today" so I make plans thinking he doesn't hv anything else. I can't read his mind or ask him every time right? I've had the same deal & I managed to check in with my pals. Although I agree that this is something that needs to change, I don't think I'd break up with him over it.

My doctor says he's attention-seeking & that I've done everything I can to help with his emotions, but he doesn't want help from me. So maybe what he really wants is for this to end, rather than for him to feel better abt us & stay together. He advises me against this relationship.

I was previously in a verbally & sexually abusive relationship for many years. I still feel traumatized but I recently started getting therapy.

I read that sometimes in relationships, a person can give what seems like "advice" on life to their partner, like how to handle a certain situation or how to view certain world issues, but what they're really doing is making their partner behave the way that they themselves would behave - they're being controlling, in other words. Is that what I did in this relationship? If i did - is it the only reason for his behavior?

He was understanding & helped me heal from my past abuse, until this started.At times he says he knows what we hv is real & he'd let these problems go if he loved me, but his ego & hurt won't let him. That's when he said we'll wait & see. The physiological symptoms of depression aren't really there anymore. most of the time he's rude & tries to be away from me. He says he doesn't want any responsibilities and just wants to do whatever he wants without anything to worry abt.

A) Do u think he's ill (depressed) or that he's just a really insecure person who's tired of handling a relationship?
B) Am I truly the reason for his problems?
C) What do u think his problem really is?
D) Do u think this relationship will work if we give it another shot?
E) Is it better for me to leave or stay?

You are not the cause of someone else's problems. If someone has a problem that is not due to mental illness or something they truly can't help, it their choice to be in it. So B is not the answer. D is not the answer, because he would have to change dramatically for you to be happy and it's unfair to ask anyone else to change. A could be the answer, but it sounds more like immaturity and attention seeking behavior. C- It sounds like he wants you as his world and happiness, as long as you are willing to be how he wants you to be. That is the basis for an unhealthy relationship. E, since you sound terribly unhappy and confused, leave, go to therapy and heal from your past relationship and realize you are great alone, then seek a relationship that is healthy and balanced.

It's hard, difficult thing to break up with someone you have been with for a year. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

[Flooded]

Omg, RUN! He's blaming you for all his problems. They're his issues, not yours and my guess is he doesn't want to wake up to himself. You deserve better treatment that that.