[markman2222]

Hi:

I have a bit of an issue that I am trying to sort out.

My wife & I have been together for 5 years off and on (mostly on) in a sometimes great, sometimes not so great relationship. Married for 7 months.

I can occasionally be insecure about the working relationship she has with a few men at her workplace. I rarely say anything and work through it myself as I am able to separate rational from irrational thought.

She has exhibited boundary issues in in the past associations with men in her work, most if which are not a concern but a few of which are a concern (such as becoming overly friendly and taking risks jumping into vehicles with men she has just met, in the name of doing her job) She also made some poor choices in the past in listening to a girl-friend who thought she needed to meet other men as the answer to relationship issues that she and I were having at the time (as opposed to either working on our relationship or ending it before seeing whether grass was greener elsewhere).

Since we got married my insecurities have reduced considerably and I am much better able to rationalize most worries that pop up every now & then.

All has been largely good for the past many months until a fairly minor incident cropped up the other day that has me bothered both in the incident and her reaction to my concern.

As she and I were returning from being out for the morning, as she gets out of the car, a man working in the yard next door calls over to her by name. She looks over at him and immediately identifies him by name as an old co-worker from 15 years ago. They had obviously been somewhat close during that period as she had no problem identifying who he was and several things about him that stood out in her mind as memorable as he did with her.

My wife, a normally introverted person, walks right over to him and they strike up a conversation the likes I have never seen her have, reliving the good old days and listening intently and wanting to know every detail of what he'd been up to the last 15 years.

I see the conversation is not going to be a quick one, so I stroll over and assert my presence. He looks at me uncertainly as if to say "and who is this guy?" My wife finally clues in to the situation and introduces me by name, but not by relationship. As in "Oh .. Dave this is **** " with no identifier as to who I am besides my name (not husband, partner, uncle, brother, next door neighbour, whatever). We briefly say "hey" and they then launch right back into their "catching up". I would have continued to stay and assert my presence but we both had important things to do immediately (someone one was dropping by to look at an item we had for sale and had just pulled in) My wife casually pointed out to me that they had arrived and then went back to her conversation leaving me to deal with the transaction, which I did in its entirety, after which she finally wanders back into the house after her conversation is over.

I am annoyed by this situation because her behaviour was what I considered to be rude and inconsiderate to me as well as a little curious as to why during introductions our relationship to each other was not mentioned.
(as in "this is my mother so and so" ... "this is my friend so and so" ... "this is my husband so and so")

I brought it up to her later and she firstly insisted that she had indeed mentioned my relationship to him during introductions (she hadn't or else why would I say something?) and then blamed me for making an issue of it when "you know I'm not good at introductions" (her strength at introductions seems just fine when she is wants others to know the relationship between her mother or her kids or a co-worker). I asked that could she please work on her introduction skills as it tends to be insulting when you can't seem to remember your relationship to someone who should be important to you as you introduce someone.

Am I needlessly bothered by this or do i have a point? I am sure that if the tables were turned that she would have been more perturbed at my inability to explain my marital status to someone I hadn't seen in 15 years (who also just happened to be single, attractive, female and moving in next door)

Thoughts ?

Thanks

[Leed]

I have to agree with you. Since it was obvious she was pretty much ignoring you (case in point: the people coming to look at item for sale, and she waves you off to take care of it) obviously she was quite interested in the conversation she was having with this guy. She SHOULD have said that "This is my husband "Joe" (or whomever so he had a good idea who you were!!! And you're right -- she would have been REALLY upset if you hadn't mentioned she was your wife, if you were talking to some pretty, curvy woman !! So yes, she was being rude and you were not 'needlessly bothered.'

Sounds to me like you two need some marriage counseling. Might be a good idea before this marriage falls apart! Give it a try. You won't regret it. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[markman2222]

Originally Posted by Leed

I have to agree with you. Since it was obvious she was pretty much ignoring you (case in point: the people coming to look at item for sale, and she waves you off to take care of it) obviously she was quite interested in the conversation she was having with this guy. She SHOULD have said that "This is my husband "Joe" (or whomever so he had a good idea who you were!!! And you're right -- she would have been REALLY upset if you hadn't mentioned she was your wife, if you were talking to some pretty, curvy woman !! So yes, she was being rude and you were not 'needlessly bothered.'

Sounds to me like you two need some marriage counseling. Might be a good idea before this marriage falls apart! Give it a try. You won't regret it. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Hi Leed:

Actually we start a session with a counsellor tomorrow. We're not new to couples counselling. It's our third try since the beginning. Hoping that 3rd times the charm.

Thanks for your input.
Mark