[lonely lincoln]

I have been dating a guy which i met on the internet for about 18 months now. He works abroad and doesnt come back very often. I get to see him for 2-3 days every month or so if i go over there or if he\'s over here i drive 4 hours to his family home and have been on two holidays with him. He is coming back to the uk next weekend from one of his contracts and has said he wants to just see his family and friends, he is also back at the end of the month to go to a wedding on the friday and i have asked to see him on the sat and sunday but he said he\'s not sure and has asked if we can do another weekend. Should i be worried? first off it was ok that we didnt see eachother that much as we have our own lives but now i want to see him more. I have said this and he\'s said i can come over to stay with him and bring my work. im a freelancer who works in one of the companys office i work for most of the time so cant just up and leave as i have to deal with a lot of things there. He\'s not very good a showing emotion so i dont know if he\'s that bothered. He drinks quite a lot and says its just what contracting engineers do when they are away from home. I really like this guy and would move if i could. Im just not sure he\'s into me as much as i am into him. his father passed away last year which he was with him throughout his dads chemo and towards the end, it was very tough for him and his family and i tried to support him as much as i could even with the distance. he tried to push me away but i gave him space and were still together now. i just feel that he\'d rather be with family and friends than with me. ive suggeseted that i see them with him but he\'d rather have time on his own with them. He says its easier if i just went over to see him when he\'s working away then i have his attention and he\'s not sharing it with anyone else. what do i do?

[Travelinglady]

Hi and welcome! I'm not sure if there's anything you can do. You will need to do what he says and get together when he wants. Of course, I'm sure you realize that long-term relationships are very difficult and can even be hard when a couple has been together for a good while and then needs to be apart.

I would be doubtful that this relationship has much promise. I personally think if he were really interested in you, then he would work harder to see you. I'm like you--I would be concerned about his drinking, too.

Of course, these thoughts are just my personal opinion.

[lonely lincoln]

Thank you PAYNE1, it definitely is a tough one, I dont know if he's always been like this or if its just since his dad was ill an then passed and he's trying to keep his distance from people he cares about. I dont even know if he loves me. His sister once said to me that he obviously cares as he made the effort to come up and see me once but would rather have you come to him. He works really hard and earns a lot of money. He will pay for most of my flights if i go and see him and has paid for my holidays when i have paid for the flights but its not all about money. I just want to spend time with him, its great when were together,he loves me being there and jokes about me living with him, well i think he's joking and when weve gone to food fairs he said it would be great if it was like this for a wedding but i dont know if he's thinking with me or just in general,its just when were apart he sometimes says is it worth it when he gets in a mood. I think he could make more of an effort to see me but if i say anything he says he cant give his attention to everyone all the time when he's back. He likes to see me and relax and be with me just not everyone else. Am I being selfish?

[tinyrabbit]

Why do you like him?

I would be concerned about the drinking. I'm also concerned that he doesn't want to see you at the same time as family and friends. This can be a sign that he has another partner - it's a red flag if a guy compartmentalises like this. As I say it can be a sign of infidelity but also it suggests he isn't interested in making you part of his life.

Men who are into you don't just drop random hints or expect you to guess. They don't play games. They make the effort to make you feel special - it's definitely not all about money.

I am concerned about how low your self-esteem must be if you're willing to pander to this man.

I've been in two long distant relationships (though never abroad) and they took a lot of effort. Effort to make each other feel special and wanted, even tho the miles kept us apart and effort to get to see each other at weekends when we could. We spoke on the phone a lot, sent each other daft things in the post to say we were thinking of each other etc, and I think it really helped keep any worries and ill-feeling at bay.

I do have a concern that it's you that is doing all the giving here, and all of the thoughtfulness is coming from you - you're giving him space when he wants it, and letting him call all the shots. But what about your needs? I would be concerned that he's coming back twice and doesn't want to see you - sorry to say, but if he was that into you, he'd want to see you - its quite simple. Why can you not go to the wedding? Why can't you go see his friends and family as a couple? There's no good reason why not. These make me worried that he's just not as into you as you'd hope. I am sorry, and I hope I am wrong.

Personally speaking, I would look for someone else. Someone who makes you feel special, wanted and equal. These are much healthier qualities to a relationship than the one you have now - no matter how much fun it may be when you do actually hook up.

[lonely lincoln]

I like him cause he makes me laugh and I am sexually attracted to him, he hugs and kisses me and sometimes holds my hand. When we see each other we have lots of fun but this does sometimes involve drinking on an eve after a nice day together doing stuff.

Before his dad died, i was with him when he saw family and friends, I saw his family at new years and he hasnt been back home since apart from last weekend which he met me in london as it was half way and we had a weekend together. I went skiing with him and a few of his friends in feb so its not like i dont see them. We go out with the people he works with when i go and see him abroad also.

It just seems that the next two weekends he's back he rather just see his friends and i guess its cause he doesnt see them very often so want s propper bonding time without having to worry about me?
Yes the drink still concerns me, he dad was an alcoholic for a few years and he seems to be going to that way, i dont know if its the stress of his crazy family and his dads death thats caused it or not..

I send silly cards to him now and again and little gifts but he's only bought me flowers. he works 12hr shifts 6 days a week and says he doenst have time to go searching for stuff, i dont know he may just not be that kind of guy to do that as he's quite manly.

I wasnt inited to the wedding as its a friend he worked with years ago who rang him up out of the blue to go, ive been to weddings that partners arent invited so its not a big thing, would just like to see him the rest of the weekend.

I think my confidence is low but when i see him he makes me happy.

I was with a guy for 7 years who i bought a house with, we did everything together but i fell out of love with him as he didnt seem bothered, he wouldnt hug me, didnt have any emotion whatsoever apart from being grumpy and could never hug me when i was upset. He was a very quiet/shy guy who would go out with me and my friends but found it hard to talk to them or even my family. I loved him to bits but these things weighed me down so no matter how hard i tried i had to let him go. Were still friends now and i htink he still loves me but never makes a move to try get back together.

I am 32 and would like to see if i could live with my new guy while he works away and see how it goes and feel if i dont do it, i shall always be asking what if.

I feel confused, im not torn between anyone. I dont go out to meet people as my friends are hours away so only see them once a month so think i shall always be on my own

[tinyrabbit]

I think you should find a partner who meets your needs rather than expecting this one to change.

Well, sounds like you do know what you want - and that's to be with him. Your post is defending what you have, and that's good if you feel so strongly. You'll just have to find a way to accept him as he is. You could also try talking to him too by the way, and explain some of the worries to him that you've told us.

I will say one more thing tho - this part:

Originally Posted by lonely lincoln

I dont go out to meet people as my friends are hours away so only see them once a month so think i shall always be on my own

Please don't let a fear of being alone be behind your choices. Always better to make decisions for the right reasons.

Good luck to you and hugs.

[lonely lincoln]

Its hard to talk to him on the phone/text as he can get moody quite easily so have to bring it up when we see each other so he can see i mean no harm and i can calm him down when im trying to get an answer.
Am i being selfish in wanting to see him when he's back, i can cope that he has other people to see too but id just like to be by his side as it dosnt happen very often.
I have text him about coming down and he seems to be ignoring me so its obvious he doesnt want me there. is he being selfish or just not into me.

Is he being selfish or not into you? I am not sure, but there are some things that need addressing on his behalf - it's unfair to react moodily if you voice your concerns (good relationships rely on communication) via calls or texts. This especially in a long distance relationship where a lot of your communication must be via those methods. Ignoring your text is bad too. His actions are also making you think that he's not that into you and without being able to ask him and talk to him without him being moody are not good and he's in control here.

But you cannot change people. If you think that the good outweighs the bad, and you can accept him for who he is and that you're the one doing a lot of the work and worrying then good on you. I know I couldn't settle for feeling wrong-footed, but that's just me, I need to feel secure. I wish you all the very best and all the happiness in the world.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lonely lincoln

I am 32 and would like to see if i could live with my new guy while he works away and see how it goes and feel if i dont do it, i shall always be asking what if.

I am sorry, but it seems to me that you are not learning from experience.

- You bought a house with a guy who could not hug you when you were upset.

- Now you are going to live together with a guy who does not spend time with you.

??

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I am sorry, but it seems to me that you are not learning from experience.

- You bought a house with a guy who could not hug you when you were upset.

- Now you are going to live together with a guy who does not spend time with you.

??

Indeed. Can you see a pattern here OP?

[lonely lincoln]

Thank you