[Sally met Harry]

About a year ago, a professor/friend of mine, whose toddlers I also cared for, told me that he loved me and that he knew I felt the same way. I was attracted to him and liked thinking that he found me attractive, but I would never have tried to pursue a relationship. We were/are both married. After the "love" confession, we started meeting, emailing, talking all the time. He told me he fantasized about me, masturbated thinking about me, he asked me questions about my sex life at home. He told me that he wanted me, that he was ready to get a hotel room.

I said I was interested in hugs and conversation, but that I couldn't have sex with him. Not long after that, he said he could never kiss me, that he fantasized about me so often that he felt guilty, that his kids came first, and that he wanted us to only be friends. Soon, he asked me to meet him and tried to tempt me into kissing him. When I didn't and I stood my ground that I wouldn't cheat, he seemed relieved. He said I was remarkable, that he'd never seen anything like it.

He seemed relieved after that, and I admittedly felt rejected. I didn't want to lose the attention, I think. And I wanted to be kissed, not to be the instigator. But I was going to let it go. In the next two days, he called and encouraged continued meetings. After several back and forths like this, I ended up desperately wanting sexual attention from him. He talked about it all the time, about masturbating, about his sexless marriage, about his ten years of celibacy in his previous marriage. Soon I wanted more than hugs and conversation. Much more. I don't know how I got to this point. He talked about how many people wanted him in the past, how he could've had them. He talked about women who were interested in him recently, how they hugged him and he encouraged them, but how none of them compared to me. I became obsessively jealous. Never been the jealous type before.

Finally, we started getting physically intimate (beyond hugging and pressing our clothed bodies against one another). I have body image anxieties so that was tough for me. This physical intimacy started the pendulum swinging. After the third time we played around (first time completely naked, first time we kissed--no sex), he went home and had sex with his wife (for he said the first time in five months). He said I had encouraged him to, had tried to get him to have a healthy sex life at home. I don't remember what I said, but that's possible because I often responded to him in ways I thought he wanted me to. He said the sex was terrible, that he felt guilty because he was picturing me the whole time.

He said that he and I couldn't play around like that anymore. Of course, I thought I had somehow repulsed him with my body. I guess that wasn't the case, though, because he got really angry when he found out my husband and I were spending the day together at a music festival. He had issues with my having sex or intimate moments with my husband--he became fixated on that.

A few nights later, after a party we both attended, he came into the bathroom of the restaurant we were in and kissed me passionately several times. The next day when we met, he said he was satisfied if we never kissed or touched again, that he had to stop because his wife was confessing some things in her past at home and he was feeling incredible pressure to fess up and be honest himself. But it didn't stop there--during a two week period, there was constant pulling away and pulling close. We decided to seal the physical (his idea I think, but he made it sound like my idea), so we met, still no sex, and he ended up masturbating in the end (with limpness). I thought he was limp because he was not attracted to me. He insists it was because of guilt and nervousness.

Anyway, within a week of "seal day," he was back to telling me how much he wanted me, occasionally hugging me intimately, telling me he loved me, that he wanted me, that he wanted us to work on our marriages and give them a shot. I was so confused. He told me that he thought we might end up together. He often said he didn't think his marriage had a chance, that he didn't think mine had one. Back and forth. Let's be friends/I love you and believe that we'll be together one day. He talked down about his wife, said the marriage was a hoax, that he was trapped, that he couldn't separate because he has toddlers.

It makes sense at the same time it doesn't. He would tell me things that hurt me. He didn't want me having sex with my husband. I had stopped. We often had conversations about worrying when the other would be intimate at home, how that would hurt. Finally, I found out he had started having sex again at home and not told me. I was hurt, closed down my email account. He called me crying. Then his next email (to my general account, not the one I had set up for him which I closed down) was describing his wife coming home and feeling aroused, then the whole sex experience. He said it was terrible, pathology not intimacy. After several back and forth messages, where he was angry with me for not believing that he loved me and wanted me but just needed to work on his marriage to give it the best shot he could for his kids, I agreed to meet him.

When we met, he asked if I thought we should make love. He said he wanted us to when the time was right. When he felt free. That we would do it sometime in the future and tell noone. Then we had a few weeks of meetings where we would hug and cuddle, press our clothed bodies together. He wanted me to tell him what I fantasized about (after he told me several times and I didn't offer on my own).

Then a few Mondays ago, he sent me a message that his marriage was over and he needed to rage alone. After a few back and forths where he sent me letters between him and his spouse (talking about state of marriage and possible breakup), where he talked about having a conversation with his spouse (who knows about me since a few months back, knows that we kissed, that he "loves" me though she doesn't know how passionate he feels about me) in which he asked if she thought he was selfish and they had a very charged but tender chat, I told him that he should tell me face-to-face if we were done. (Because he was saying he missed me and loved me, but was avoiding seeing me because he was "falling apart").

When he called again, he suggested he wanted to see me soon. I eventually told him in an email that I needed a break from him, that I would maybe see him spring semester. We met one time since, at which time he told me that he needs to be able to tell his wife she's the only person in his life. He kissed me several times that day (only kisses besides those two weeks mentioned prior), but he only did it after asking me "Want me to kiss you again?". He said he loves me, that I represent Italy for him, the place he wants to be, but that he has to live in USA now. He can't have what he wants. He wants us to be close colleagues and friends come spring semester. He wants me to take one of his classes.

I want to apologize to his wife. My guilt is starting to settle in. Of course he says that she's too hot with me right now, that he doesn't feel it's time for me to apologize yet. Sometimes I wonder if he ever told her, or if that was just a way to start distancing me (means I can't take care of his children anymore, can't hang in his circle of friends).

Help. I don't understand what happened. To myself. In the relationship. I am so confused. Any advice? Any readings on him? Plus, now I have to figure out how to move on after so much time together, so much emotional craziness. For six months, I haven't given my attention to anything else. I've neglected my family, my studies, housework, everything. I don't know how to be anymore. And I feel rejected and stupid.

Desperate,
Sally met Harry

[shezbut]

I am very sorry to read about your experience with this professor. His behavior is completely inappropriate ~ I don't know if you said what subject he teaches, but I sure hope that it isn't psychology!! I don't understand why he would want you to take a class of his, if he's seriously trying to save his marriage. Imo, that pushing both his and your limits too far, merely confusing issues further.

I'd deinitely advise you to stay away from this man. I know that you consider him to be a friend, but the mixed signals isn't helping either of you. Both of you are committed to other people in your lives. You both need to step back from one another and re-focus on your true responsibilities. Perhaps you and your hub should see a T, and work through weaknesses that are draining your devotion. With school, take your classes with a different professor. Regarding your guilt, perhaps you should just send a card to the wife with a sincere apology ~ and skip any specific references. Just tell her that you do care about their children; you're very sorry for causing her pain, and assure her that you are determined not to walk down that road again.

I wish you the best ~ please work hard at living up to your commitments in life. Gentle hugs sent your way...

[Leed]

I agree with Shezbut. Stay away from this man. And from my perspective, he has NOT told his wife, regardless of what he's told you. I don't believe him for one minute.

He has used you. You were smart not to jump into bed with him like he wanted. Your guilt would be tenfold.

And again as Shezbut said, do not take any of his classes -- just plain stay away from him, don't take any e-mails from him -- if he sends you any, delete them immediately before reading them!!! Focus on your family, your studies, etc.

And I'm going to DISAGREE with Shezbut, and say do NOT send a card to the wife. I really don't think he told her in the first place. And even if he did, why shame her even more by sending her a card from the "other woman?" That would TOTALLY infuriate and shame ME if I got one!! Please don't do that -- how would YOU feel if you got one from your husband's lover?? Don't do it. It's just too cruel.

God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Stardusted]

I think you and your husband should get marriage counseling. You had a full blown affair with this other man and your brain is currently in the affair "fog."

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/201...e-wayward-fog/

[Sally met Harry]

Thank you all for responding. I went nuts for a few days, sending him a couple of emails when my emotions took a wild swing. I went from feeling guilty for hurting him by being so hard to get rid of (stupid me) to feeling genuinely used to feeling paranoid to feeling certain that I was almost ready to end the thing myself. I think he sensed that last one, and that might have contributed to him bailing so quickly. (He didn't want to be the one dropped, I'm certain of that.) Plus he'd just realized that my husband and I were being intimate again. He has had strong responses to my intimacy at home from the start--I mean as in sending middle-of-the-night emails about all the ways he's contemplated suicide to how he wishes he could catch my husband cheating to how he fantasizes about killing him. All the extreme stuff was put in context of fantasy, but he would certainly go into emotional tizzies. So . . . that might have something to do with his sudden withdrawal. Or . . . maybe he's a narcissist entering the devaluation or discarding phase. I've been reading up on it and I think it's a very real possibility. But . . . that still leaves me hurting, for one, but also trying to deal with my own betrayal of my values, of my commitment to home. He sent a message yesterday telling me his wife had sent a few "razing emails" from work, and he included in his message a link she supposedly sent him about emotional affairs. If she really sent that, I guess the point might have been (I devised after I read the article) that emotional affairs are just as difficult to forgive as sexual affairs. If she didn't send it and he just said she did, then he perhaps wants me to put our relationship in that context because he thinks it will help me let go. Right now, today, I'm feeling indifferent toward him, which is new in a way and in a way not. Every time I reached the indifferent phase (when the pendulum swung a little too wildly in the past), he soon was trying to draw me back in. This time, though, either he's really committed to his wife or there's another woman that he's entered the "idealization" phase with or everything he told me was a lie. I know I'm better off. If I could stay convinced of that, I'd be okay. But when things get really quiet or I wake up early in the morning thinking about him and feeling rejected and abandoned, I hurt so badly.

Still, it really helps to hear from kind others and to get sound advice from someone outside the chaos that is my life.

Much thanks and appreciation,
Sally met Harry

[raavn111]

All men in extra marital affair do things and talk like this to impress women that and to make them convinced that he has no sex life with his wife.They attack emotionally to women...

and above all this kind of affairs spoil atleast two families and life of their children

I have to speak up on this one. Unfortunately while I agree that the man in this situation is an *** and has maniuplated and probably is a liar, from the description of things, it wasn't a completly forced situation either and I agree with stardusted in that this wasn't a "non-sexual" affair at all but a full blown one. perhaps lacking the actual intercourse, you might be tempted to pass it off as non-sexual but everything about it, all of the times you kissed him, allowed him to kiss you and be unclothed together, it was a sexually charged and, I'm sure, sexually gratifying to you both in some way.

You've let temptation crossover into an actual affair.

Don't get me wrong, I respect you for having the courage to admit that this happened so openly and ask how to fix things. I'm glad you're at a point where you do see what's happened. He needs to be as far from you as possible, not only for the reasons mentioned, that he's probably lying about his wife and is probably quite manipulative of you but also that you are clearly too tempted to be in his presence and I fear that you won't have the strength to resist if you're around him longer. I also don't for a second believe that he's going to stop. He's excited by the challenge, the back and forth and all that goes with cheating. I don't doubt that you're not the only one either. That being said, I do agree with Leed in that you should not contact the wife, it will not be taken well and if anything it will just pour salt in the wounds for her. What you should do is work on your marriage. If you havent' already the one you should be confessing and apologizing profusely to is your husband if you plan to ever have a future with him. Trust me, it will come out in the wash eventually and while that's not the reason to confess, it is better sooner than later because if you wait too long the betrayal will be all that much more painful for your husband.

Please do come clean with your husband, leave this man and run as far as you can from him. Go to school online, change campuses, whatever it takes.

I wish you luck, and hope and pray that you'll be able to fix things with your husband.

*many hugs*

[ElJamo]

Very interesting... However, I will only respond to your body issues.
Personally, I've found going to the gym (whether it's to lift weights, do pilates, whatever) to be VERY effective in improving ones self image and confidence. Not to mention well-being due to all the endorphins!
Personally, three months after I purchased a road bike I had lost 25 pounds!
Though I myself am fit, I still have body issues-a bad pelvis and scoliosis, due to an accident that occurred when I was a toddler. The effects are hardly noticeable (thank god) especially when I wear a lift in my shoe.
The point being, if your body issues simply have to with fitness, it's an easy fix!
If it's not, well then you are still attractive enough for this guy to want to have an affair with you.
Feel good!

[Harley47]

Hi Sally. I hope I can help.

Ultimately, I think what we can all ultimately agree on is that this professor of yours is absolute poison. It is, without question, in your best interest to get away from him and never look back. I don't know what is and isn't going on in his marriage, but I believe he was using it (such as his supposed lack of intimacy in his own relationship) as a sort of "pity play" in order to get you, so to speak, and I believe that his repeated swings from wanting the relationship with you to not wanting it was a ploy to keep you invested. In your eyes, he becomes the forbidden fruit, and it's a darker, primal part of human nature to want what we cannot have, at least in some extent. Your case is, unfortunately, an example of such.

As far as contacting the wife, I think that is very noble of you, and I respect you for that desire. I think you realize you made a mistake, and you want to try to fix it as best you can. That says a lot about you. However, from her perspective, a letter from you isn't going to ease her mind...it's going to set it ablaze. I know, having been a victim of cheating before (and my own stubborness coupled with a dash of denial, but that's neither here nor there), that had I received a letter from her other guy(s), even with the noblest intentions of apologizing...well, to say I would've taken it poorly would be a massive understatement. The best thing to do is to allow her time to heal, and frankly, to do her very best to forget about you.

I would, though, come clean to your husband. He deserves to know, and I think it'll help ease your conscious. That being said, I will not lie to you and tell you it will be easy...I cannot promise anything on how he may take it. I don't think the differentiation, however it is chalked up in regards to physical intimacy, is going to matter so much as the fact it was, indeed, an affair. I would also strongly advise you search yourself as to what it was that lead you to consider and conduct an affair in the first place...whether that be something you're not getting in your marriage now to some sort of dissatisfaction with it or whathaveyou. But understanding why is a vital key in fixing things.

I do hope I didn't come off as harsh. I am not judging you, not at all. I do think it takes two to have an affair, of course, but I'm no stranger to how manipulative people can be.

Please know I am praying for you and your husband, and I truly, truly hope everything works out for the best. If I can do anything at all for you, please consider my inbox open at any time.

My best, and hugs,
Harley

[LadyShadow]

This is a tough situation. I have to say that you are feeling indifferent and perhaps guilty and confused is because of your husband. You haven't really talked about him much in your posts, but you did say you were intimate with him during your "emotional affair".

That hurts Sally. It really does. And I think you are coming back to reality now, now that the professor is pulling away. I agree with everyone else here when they say stay away from him because I do believe he is poison too.

As for how YOU are feeling, may have to do with your husband. I suggest couples counseling or therapy. If you just come out and tell him like others suggested might blow up in your face and everyone will be hurting so I suggest telling a therapist first if you can and then bringing your husband into the session. You need to find the cause of why you did this and what made you go this route with this manipulator. Therapy may also help you with your self esteem issues that you need to address, because I think one of the reasons you got into this situation is because he was chasing you. And if you are feeling low about yourself, being chased is like a drug you can't live without.

I pray for you and I hope you find peace of mind soon. This is hard I know, but you will get through it and be stronger for it.

[Sally met Harry]

Thanks to all of you for your responses. I'm in uncharted emotional territory. I've been married 22 years. I cry all the time, so much so that my 18-year-old daughter has noticed and is concerned. The prof emailed me today to make sure I know he does genuinely love me and that he hopes we have a nice long chat when the semester starts back up, and that he's hopeful we can find a way to be close that feels right in every way. I'm not going to answer it. But it's tempting. I think he and I have very different definitions of love and friendship. But as soon as I think that or say I think that, I realize I'm thinking of us as though I'm not married and he's not married, as though my definition of love isn't a little unstable right now in my hypocritical in-between space. Platinum Heart: I think you nailed it when you said that one of the reasons I ended up in this situation might have to do with him chasing me. I agree. He's used to being chased (according to him, which might make it a lie), so he's often commented on how I was different. I did become addicted to his attention. I still am. I feel like somebody died. And I feel incredible guilt at the same time. Still . . . all your words are helping me cope and to see this in different lights. Also, I'm new to therapy and I'm not sure I've found the right fit yet, so I'm working from that angle, too. Many thanks again!

Sally

[pheobe67]

He does not love you or his wife. I don't believe you could take things this far over and over again and mess with your head and hers like that. He is not a bad person. No one deserves to be treated like that. You need to go to a relationship counsellor with your husband to work out your issues so that all your needs are being fulfilled by him. Obviously something's missing, your not getting the attention you need or something's not clicking. But for your sake and to be fair to him work on it with him. Otherwise you will destroy your life and lose everything. Good luck to you. Hope you in your way away from this bad person and back into your own happiness

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Sally met Harry

He has had strong responses to my intimacy at home from the start--I mean as in sending middle-of-the-night emails about all the ways he's contemplated suicide to how he wishes he could catch my husband cheating to how he fantasizes about killing him. All the extreme stuff was put in context of fantasy,
Much thanks and appreciation,
Sally met Harry

Sally, I am sorry, but I would say that this is a "ZU" - you know, German for "too", meaning that it has crossed all the boundaries. While I realize that one of the things male professors of liberal arts typically do with their time is engage in somewhat unusual relationships with female grad students - relationships that may not fall into a clearcut bucket, definition-wise, and, of course, all the while trying to consciously and intentionally blur the line between fantasy and reality, but middle-of-the-night emails in which he shares his murder fantasies are a "ZU". I mean, OK, it is a fantasy - so suggest to him that he journal his fantasies to his heart's content! Journal, in private!

[seeker1950]

Sally, when I was in my early 30's, I met a professor who swept me off my feet! I was truly obsessed with this man. He was very charismatic and seduced me. Like you, I couldn't go to the whole sexual thing, though I did go to his apartment and there was kissing, making out. Nothing ever transpired after that. I think he was expecting more from me sexually, which I couldn't do. He actually cut off communication from me afterwards, only calling me occasionally to rekindle my passion for him. It took me...literally...10 years to recover from this. I even told my husband how I was feeling.

For me, that's all in the past now. The professor has passed away...and I admit I feel nothing from knowing that.

A teacher, professor, is in a position of power and authority. I see no future for you with this man ...letting him destroy your marriage, even if he would divorce his wife "for you." My strong and experienced opinion is that such men, who have access to many, many women they can seduce, will not stop such behavior even if they make a change of partner.

Please don't spend a long period of your life in quandary and recovery over such an affair, like I did! If you are truly unhappy in your marriage, make the effort to question it for what it is, not for this seducer of you the student.
Patty