[libra_girl]

Hi everyone ... I am newbie here , I would like some advice for my problem

I am in 3 years relationship with my partner .

1 year ago I have to go back to my country to sort out some problem . We already talked about this LDR and we said its okay we will work it out .

For almost 10 month I am away , messages , phone calls every day . But about the 7th month he is changed , apparently he lost hope and think that I won't come back for him .

And he lost his job too , twice. According to him he fell so depressed and when he go to his GP he was diagnosed with depression. And during that time he meet a friend from church , a woman.

First he told me they only friend , but apparently things escalate they tried to have relationship . Because he thought I won't come back even though every day we are in the phones and I keep saying to him I am coming back.

The new relationship is not working , he said because I am coming back so both of them decided to finish it .

But when I arrived back here I feel there is something wrong , distance . He told me to stay at my sister place first , because he want to get used to me again . When I stay at his/our place he didn't even touch me .
He even screaming and swearing at me just because he is late to meet his Church friends for table tennis .

There is late phone conversation between him and the church friend . I feel so upset because its happen quite often and its at 11.30pm . And things with our relationship get worse .

So almost this 3 month I stayed at my sister place, and there was time when I said maybe we need break .He said no ... he just need space and time to adjust him self because his depression and because I am going to long

I feel so tired and stress, I feel that I put so much effort in our relationship but he is not sure ??? He needs time ??? One day he said he wanted to married me next day he said he isn't sure about his feeling to me ??? Again according to him its because his depression.

About a week ago I said I had enough waiting for him to make up his mind so I said just finished our relationship. He got so upset and stress about it and he broke down. He cried all weekend long and also thinking to commit suicide.

So I go to our place to talk to him, and finally he come clean. He admitted to me about his relationship with his church friend , and he did go to online dating sites and found another woman because at that time he was thinking that I am leaving him for good . And he slept with both woman.

I am confused because in a way I still love him there is long history between us. I never have experience with someone with depression too. I come back to him because I did promise him to come back and we gonna get married and have family ,but with all this things that happened now I don't know can I trust him ?? Can I spend my lifetime with him .

Please give me advice .... thanks

[hamster-bamster]

Don't get married - it is pretty obvious.

[adam_k]

It sounds like he has a couple issue that he needs to address. The first being his depression and how to better manage it. If this is new for him, then it may be because of something that is going on. Like maybe his guilt for cheating on you (in assuming you didn't agree to him having other relationships). Depression tends to make people want to withdraw more than anything. Everyone is different, and I don't know him but I think you probable understand him well. As far as him handling his depression he needs to find a way to get things under control. Everyone is different and handles it in thier own way that has depression. It may be as simple as him getting back involved in this, have a social life, eating better, exercising and finding a job he can enjoy.

If it is bad, he probable needs to talk to someone to get things together. Maybe a therapist. Psycologist tend to take an approach of evaluating how you think and trying to find better ways to think problems, and well life in general.

Psychiatrist tend to take an approach with medicine. Prescribing anti-depressents. My therapist says she see the best results with a combination of both meds and therapy. If he isn't one for therapist, maybe a religious figure can give him some counseling. It could help him to start to find out what is bothering him so much and try to work on the issues causing him so much distress.

As far as what you can do for him is not a lot. He has to want to get better. You can be there and support, maybe take on some of his task for him if things are too overwhelming.

I think thenother issue is what to do about the affairs he had. Trying to get trust built back is difficult. Having him open his private life up as a sign of good faith may be a start. Giving you access to his phone, emails, calendar for a while. Try to get to the root of why he did it. Was it loniliness. It sounds like he was pretty insecure. Did he has any reason to suspect you wouldn't want to come back to him? It sounds like you did everything you could to maintain this relationship givin your circumstances. Try to open talk. That is the first step.

Being in the position of having a significant other betray your trust in this way is a difficult spot to be in. I personally don't think i can fully trust my spouse again. I hope you find a way to worm things out for yourself. No one would blame you if you gave up on the relationship. Things seem pretty tattered and it seems like he has a lot of issues to address. Good luck.

How has he been since he came clean and told you everything?

Also, I agree, he needs to get help for his depression. He also needs to know why he sabotaged the relationship - to say he did it because he was certain you were leaving him is a strange way of thinking. It makes me concerned how he will act in the future any time a difficult time comes up. He needs to act more maturely.

And of course the trust. I do not know if you can trust him again, only you can make that decision. I guess if he does something about his depression, and perhaps therapy, it may be easier to slowly let him back in when you see some improvements. I wouldn't be swayed by his reaction over the suicide thing. That would be totally his choice, and not your fault - but it again tells me he needs to understand why his behaviour is wrong and he reacts badly to difficult situations. You shouldn't have to have this hanging over your head and possibly walk on egg shells in the future for fear of him having more affairs or more threats of suicide.

Good luck with whatever you do, and I hope you make the right decision for you.

Hugs.

[unaluna]

Sounds to me like he is too busy with other girlfriends to get married. I think you can find nice man who wants only you.

[libra_girl]

Thanks everyone for your advice and your hugs ...

My bf know he make big mistake , once for losing faith in our relationship and second for cheating .That's why he broke down he can't cope with the guilty felling for letting me down .

He come clean and admit to me when I said to him we finish , that I can't take it anymore of him neglecting me . I told him to stop contacting me , text me or calls me . And if I need I will change my phone number .

He fell afraid , lonely , upset , mix up and ashamed too .... so last weekend he just stay at home crying his eyes off , regretting on things that he done to me . That's when the suicide come to his mind . I give him a call because I am concerned about him , after know him that long I know how things happen with him .

So i talked to him and I go to our place , to give him support and told him to not crying his eyes out or stress out because our broke relationship . Thats when he come clean about everything .

I just hope that everything is gonna be okay . I felt so tired about everything.