[Jamcha]

Hi,

Me and my fiancé have been together 9 years now and currently don’t live together due to finances but are planning to move out next year as we have both been saving up, we are both 26. We wanted to put a deposit to buy a property so that is why we havent moved out sooner.

Ok so for my birthday (May) this year I planned for us to go Egypt as we both go away every year but didn’t last year to buckle down on expenses. My fiancé then went and told his mum our plans and she asked him if he would still be able to afford there family trip to Jamaica (Sept) as well. He then spoke to me about this and I thought as we was saving it would be quite selfish to make him pay out for 2 Holidays when I wouldn’t mind cancelling mine and joining them if it was ok. He then spoke to his parents and they loved the idea, it was all set and planned for Sept so I completely left my plans and focused on that trip.

A few months later I bumped into his mum and she explained that she would have to move Jamaica back to the following year Feb….my first thought was oh no ive cancelled my own years holiday to just find out they had moved the trip. But she then explained that her oldest son was planning a trip to Egypt for his 30th birthday in June and that I should just come there If I could.

So I thought this is annoying but Egypt is where I originally planned to go and I still would have my holiday with my partner and his family. Out of courtesy I told my boyfriend to check with his brother if it was ok and his brother then turned around and said no!!! He said he wanted it to be a brother’s holiday and that he didn’t even want the mum and dad there. So then he went on a big guilt trip making my fiancé feel bad and putting him in a situation where he has to choose.

They also have a younger brother who is 22 who is willing to go with him but for some reason he just wants it to be all 3. His younger brother is fine with me coming its just his older brother who has the problem.

He has taken my holiday location as well which I think it really annoying. Anyway in the end my fiancé has decided not to go away with them or me so keep the peace, I am happy that he is not going but cant help feel a little selfish. But now I also wont be going away this year

The holiday is now booked but his mum and dad have ended up going (apparently was a last minute plan) which to me is a slap in the face, so my fiancé will now be the only one left behind but him himself feels like what his brother has done is not nice.

Background: His brother is very shy around me, at family meals that his family has he hides away in his room. Even his own mum shouts to him to stop being so shy around me. When he does see me, he acts really nice and doesn’t come across as horrible at all this is why I am so confused.

I have no issue with my boyfriend going away with his brohers without me at all but I just felt considering the situation that I cancelled my holiday to go with the family and then was willing to join with other plans he just could have been nice and included me or at least have said as you two orginally had plans you go away this year and us brothers can plan something another time.

I do have friends so can go away with them but it just defeats the purpose of us going away together which was the original plan. Everyone I have spoken to has felt like this is horrible on my half as I really like his family and now feel there is a divide with me and his brother.

I will still buy him a birthday card and little gift as that is in my nature but I cant help but feel his created something that isn’t necessary.

Also when me and my partner move in next year we wont be able to really take trips as much because of bills so that makes it harder….i would also have had no problem inviting him or his family to my holiday.

His younger brother I take to football matches and stuff he is really nice.

Oh and my holiday I was planning from feb and his brothers was a last minute plan that we all found out in may so we originally had the plan to go away first I only cancelled to try and save my partner cost and as I really like his family I had no problem going with them.

Any advice with dealing with this in future, have I been selfish? Do you agree that he seems to deep down hate me?

[jadzea]

His brother may really just want one last trip together before your BF settles down and will not be able to go with him.

I have an older sister who is my best friend. We are by no means young and we both have extended familes. I wanted to take a trip with just my sister. She agreed and we picked a date. I found a resort and looked into travel times, etc. Then, my sister announced she had invited her 30 year old daughter and her 1 year old grandson! I love my niece and nephew dearly but I do not want to spend my week being an "extra" on their family vacation. I want to spend time with my sister. I cancelled the trip.

Give your future BIL a chance. You may be taking this too personally.

[shrunkenviolet]

I have to add that my brother in law (who unfortunately lives with us right now, long story) has a similar attitude. Sometimes I wonder if he feels like I've stolen his big brother away from him. What I've vowed to do is that no matter how annoying his behavior may become (he has told my husband that I hate him and that's why he's acting this way), I'm always going to be nice to him, treat him like family and eventually I WILL wear him down. I do agree with Jadzea that maybe he's afraid he won't see his brother as much anymore and really wanted some bonding time. Either way I would take the high road at all costs. Otherwise you might regret something later. The whole situation isn't cool though. I send hugs your way

[Jamcha]

Thank you so much for your advice!!! Its nice to hear someone who is outside of the situation point of view. I think the main reason I was upset is because I cancelled my holiday, I have learned my lesson and will just plan my own thing in future.

And I will not take the situation personally, after all its not his brothers fault that I changed my whole plan. Thanks again, I appreciate it!

[Jamcha]

Thank you shrunkenviolet!!! I will defiantly take your advice and not get in the way of future plans....oh and to add they are all going Jamaica next year February which I was invited to but have decided to opt out as I don’t want to go through this again.

So at least they can have there family holiday then. I’m sorry to hear about your situation too I do hope it gets better....your right I will continue to treat him exactly the same and get him a nice birthday gift as that was my original plan.

Hope one day things change! Hugs to you too xx

And Jadzea I hope you do get that holiday with you sister in the future alone....Its nice to hear an opinion of someone who is looking at it from the other side.