[shrunkenviolet]

I'm at a loss. I think I want to leave my husband but really don't know where to begin. And I don't want to hurt him either. We've been together for 10 years now and I feel like if I just leave he'll never have seen it coming. Or maybe he would. If I just left I'd have to go home to my parents and leave my job and everything behind. This doesn't really bother me, it just seems like such a daunting task. And for some reason I really don't want to hurt him even though he hurts me all the time. We were talking about moving home to Canada where I'm from and have started the visa process. But when we do talk about it he always makes some backhanded comment like 'it's okay, when we're in Canada I just won't have the (insert frivolous thing here) that I want. It's all about what he wants and spending money with him and I'm so tired of squeezing every single penny while he goes out drinking after work every night. I know talking about this or meeting with a counselor is probably the first step but I'm not sure I want to do it. I never see him as it is and getting him to show up to a counseling appointment without complaining the whole way feels impossible. And I'm going to lose my little mind if he complains any more. Has anyone here left their spouse? How did you do it while minimizing damage? (if possible) And how do I keep myself from feeling like the worst person on the planet?

[shezbut]

My ex-husband and I separated for a year, before we decided to go forward and get a divorce. That took another year or so for that to finally be approved.

Our first step in determining that separation was necessary was during marital counseling. I was hopeful that our marriage could be saved, but his heart wasn't in it anymore. As you probably already know, it takes both people to make a healthy relationship. Personally, I'm against simply "giving up" because that's just SO EASY and overdone these days, in my humble opinion. I think that we need to work harder to fix our marital relationship in most cases.

That means that he needs to work on the relationship, showing respect and care for you & vice-versa. It's certainly worth a shot! If it doesn't work, then you can say that you've tried everything and feel confident in your decision to end your marriage. But, please, try to make your thoughts and feelings known & give your hub the benefit of the doubt.

Very gentle hugs to you...

[patchwork5]

Since you asked - I was a coward, said I was visiting my brother for a few days, packed a suitcase much too big for a few days, and did it over the phone once I was safely across a state line. I don't particularly recommend that approach, nor am I proud of it, but it did work.

I tried not to see them face to face, since I was sort of lacking in spine at the time and figured they couldn't talk me into coming back if I didn't let them talk to me. When we did talk, I avoided the language of blame entirely (although I tend to do that anyway) with things like "we never went anywhere good together", "we're stuck in a rut and neither of us is happy", "we're poison for each other" etc. Lots of "we", not much "you" or "I".

I felt awful for a good long while about it. But I took comfort in knowing that each of us would be supported by our families and friends, so neither of us was truly alone. We really were poison for each other.

I don't know if that helps at all since it might be nothing like your situation. But I'm happy to talk if you'd like.

[jadzea]

Sadly, it is likely that he will be hurt no matter how you leave him. He sounds like a guy who is so wrapped up in his own enjoyment and needs that he is not considering that you may have some needs also.

Talking to him will be hard but it is the first step. With luck he will listen to what you say and try to change. If not, you can at least leave knowing you did all you could to save the relationship.

Good luck whatever you do. We are all supporting you. Let us know what happens.

[shrunkenviolet]

Tonight I'm going to force him to sit down and talk. I've had a stomachache all day about it but at this point something must change. I can't decide if I want to stay or end it so hopefully what he says may shed some light. Maybe he's not feeling it anymore either. Or maybe (more likely, I think) he'll panic and vow to make changes. If option two is what happens I'm worried that changes won't stick this time. They never did in the past but we've never had a talk like the one we're going to have tonight. Thanks for the support so far

[shrunkenviolet]

Well apparently just telling him that we need to talk was enough this time. I came home from work today to find a completely different guy again, the one I love. Unfortunately I've been charmed out of 'the talk' this time. We even sat down and went over the budget and everything. I haven't seen this version of my husband in a long time.

[shrunkenviolet]

I don't know what to think but for now ill go with it

[shezbut]

Keep your foot down firmly, to let your hub know that you're really wanting to make long-lasting changes to your marriage together.

What changes is he expecting of you in return for his kind gestures today?? Not that I'm encouraging you to be stiff with your hub ~ I just don't want you to let your feelings go for now, because holding them inside doesn't help you or him.

[patchwork5]

I'm glad you had a good night. I hope you find time to talk about what's been bothering you soon too