[fedup1]

Sooo I know everybody is probably sick of hearing all my sad stories but I just gotta know your opinion on this.....I snuck into my husbands office and in a big fille drawer there were two pairs of his pants folded and under those I found his "secret" phone filled with porn AND in the history it showed websites like ashlymadison.com ( affair website for married people to go and have descreet affairs which is guaranteed by website) and mobile dating.....is this not Proof of cheating???

If you feel so suspicious and distrustful that you secretly go through your Hs things, imho, it is time to separate. There is no reason to make yourself sick over this. The only real "proof" you will ever have is if you catch him in the act...or hire an investigator to do the legwork. Which seems to me would not be a great idea, unless you have some sort of a prenup that includes ramifications of infidelity and damages.

Whether or not he is faithful is secondary to the fact that you feel you cannot trust him. That is huge. You cannot truly love someone if you dont trust them. Why waste one more second?

I hope you will put yourself first, think of your own feelings, and take action on that. You and your happiness and sense of comfort come first.

And most times if someone is cheating, they wont admit it anyway. Unless they feel as though they have too much to lose. Or the person they are stupid enough to get tangled up with ends up like the character from Fatal Attraction.

Have you considered changing the locks and throwing his **** on the lawn...including his filing cabinet, pants and "secret" phone?

Hugs to you.

[katya093]

aw im sorry you found something like that in my own opinion if it were me i would think of it as cheating and it is certainly not okay.

i would confront him, and he might get mad that you went though his things but you found stuff that corrupts the relationship ,
i agree with the post above me
i would think about seprating for a bit, not break up but just be a part and think for a bit
good luck !

[shezbut]

fedup1,

I really agree with Rose Panachee. You've posted several incidents about your hub's behaviors that is completely inappropriate and painful for you. I really don't understand why you haven't ended the relationship already. Are you hoping for your husband to admit his wrongdoings and beg your forgiveness? Or, are you hoping that all PC members give you the exact same words of encouragement and advice?

Please forgive me if I sound frustrated, I'm not. I'm just confused in what you are waiting for. In my humble (but strong) opinion, your husband's activities have created a huge barrier between you two. I cannot see you being able to trust him again ~ which is a necessity in a healthy marriage.

Seek the assistance of a T, in order to gain the necessary strength to get away from your husband. Staying with him is only holding your self-esteem down in the dumps...there are no positive aspects of continuing to stay with him. Get out now, work on making yourself stronger, and move on in your life. You deserve better!

Gentle hugs to you... Best wishes!

First of all no one here will ever be "sick" of your posts and your stories. It's your life, you need support and that's what we're here for.

I totally agree with Rose. In today's world having "proof" such as him being caught in the act doesn't even necessarily give you anything other than being able to confront him with it. And in this case like she said, you can't trust him now anyway, does it really matter if you have more proof?

As for the evidence, it's very very likely he's already cheating but unfortunately it's only evidence of looking at those sites and having porn. You know very well that the fact he hides a phone will al that stuff is, at the very least showing intent to do what you fear, cheat.

I wouldn't wait. At the very least, I would boot his *** or get out yourself if you have to, whether I think separation or more than that is necessary I can't give my opinion on but to me, it seems as if he's already not there for you. As much as you've already confronted him and he's talked about this, he seems to me to be enjoying his behavior too much to quit.

[fedup1]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

First of all no one here will ever be "sick" of your posts and your stories. It's your life, you need support and that's what we're here for.

I totally agree with Rose. In today's world having "proof" such as him being caught in the act doesn't even necessarily give you anything other than being able to confront him with it. And in this case like she said, you can't trust him now anyway, does it really matter if you have more proof?

As for the evidence, it's very very likely he's already cheating but unfortunately it's only evidence of looking at those sites and having porn. You know very well that the fact he hides a phone will al that stuff is, at the very least showing intent to do what you fear, cheat.

I wouldn't wait. At the very least, I would boot his *** or get out yourself if you have to, whether I think separation or more than that is necessary I can't give my opinion on but to me, it seems as if he's already not there for you. As much as you've already confronted him and he's talked about this, he seems to me to be enjoying his behavior too much to quit.

Yes, you are right about everything and as of 3 days ago he has moved out and is going to be getting an apartment. I guess I have just been having a hard time of convincing myself of what is happening and been happening for 10+ years. Finding out that my husband I have been with for 13 years have 3 daughters with a son from previous relationship, and another one on the way is and has been a porn/sex addict the entire time. He has been living a double life, lying to, cheating on, disrespecting and betraying me the entire time everyday behind my back then coming home and pretending to be the perfect husband father. Everything I have been finding out in just the past year alone especially the past 3 months have felt like a thousand stabs to my heart and I just can't take anymore. No more trying to make myself believe it's not real and no more letting him hurt and abuse me this way.......Thank you for listening and replying

Originally Posted by fedup1

Yes, you are right about everything and as of 3 days ago he has moved out and is going to be getting an apartment. I guess I have just been having a hard time of convincing myself of what is happening and been happening for 10+ years. Finding out that my husband I have been with for 13 years have 3 daughters with a son from previous relationship, and another one on the way is and has been a porn/sex addict the entire time. He has been living a double life, lying to, cheating on, disrespecting and betraying me the entire time everyday behind my back then coming home and pretending to be the perfect husband father. Everything I have been finding out in just the past year alone especially the past 3 months have felt like a thousand stabs to my heart and I just can't take anymore. No more trying to make myself believe it's not real and no more letting him hurt and abuse me this way.......Thank you for listening and replying

Well, my heart goes out to you. I was married 13 years too. I have two boys from my wife that I'll be divorcing come march (had to separate for a year by state law) and although it's not exactly teh same as your situation, I feel I know very much how you feel. I'm 99% sure my ex was cheating on me too, for how long? I don't know. She denies it all saying she had "male friends" but they were never anything more than that. One of them she claimed was just a friend she visited while we were married - 3 hours away. Made me feel like I was crazy to think she was cheating on me with this guy but who goes to see an online friend of the opposite sex, 3 hours away to hang out, meet family and go to a concert without something more than friends there? never felt right. Also she was very protective of her computer and would get very upset if I looked at it - kind of like your husband's secret phone. The one thing that clearly shows she was doing something, was on my work computer (laptop) she would use from time to time, I found a picture of her breasts, which, was not for me, since she didn't send it to me, i had to scour my computer to find such images. So yeah, I understand.

I feel for ya. I'm sorry, I know this is very painful and crushing your heart. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to.

~S4 *hugs*

[hamster-bamster]

I think your choice of the username says that even before coming to this board, you were already at a quitting point. And things have not gotten any better since then. You need to trust your own wisdom, your own choice of the username.

[Betrayed1]

Originally Posted by fedup1

Sooo I know everybody is probably sick of hearing all my sad stories but I just gotta know your opinion on this.....I snuck into my husbands office and in a big fille drawer there were two pairs of his pants folded and under those I found his "secret" phone filled with porn AND in the history it showed websites like ashlymadison.com ( affair website for married people to go and have descreet affairs which is guaranteed by website) and mobile dating.....is this not Proof of cheating???

Yes it is cheating...there's a reason why he's hidden those items to you...he is sneaking around...follow your instinct. And make sure not to ignore the hard evidence. Good luck.

[betrayedwife]

Originally Posted by fedup1

Sooo I know everybody is probably sick of hearing all my sad stories but I just gotta know your opinion on this.....I snuck into my husbands office and in a big fille drawer there were two pairs of his pants folded and under those I found his "secret" phone filled with porn AND in the history it showed websites like ashlymadison.com ( affair website for married people to go and have descreet affairs which is guaranteed by website) and mobile dating.....is this not Proof of cheating???

Hi - I just read your post. I am new to this site - looking for someone who has had the same experience as me. Trying to make sure I am not crazy. I have been married 32 years and have 7 fantastic children and 7 grandchildren. About 18 months ago I had a gut feeling that something was not right. He seemed to have a double life. After looking into his questionable financial decisions I discovered lots of porn on his phone (which he usually guarded like a loaded gun), lots of porn on our home computer linked to my husband. His biggest mistake was accidentally forgetting to log out of his ashleymadison account. I was devastated. He then started seeing a female psychic and they fell in love. They both admitted it, but told me they will just remain friends. My husband does not want a divorce. They said they have that "soul mate" feeling. My husband swears he has never touched another woman - hard to believe. The emotional affair/attachment he has with this other woman is painful beyond belief. I feel for you...its me again...isn't this cheatin??????

[lido78]

Originally Posted by betrayedwife

Hi - I just read your post. I am new to this site - looking for someone who has had the same experience as me. Trying to make sure I am not crazy. I have been married 32 years and have 7 fantastic children and 7 grandchildren. About 18 months ago I had a gut feeling that something was not right. He seemed to have a double life. After looking into his questionable financial decisions I discovered lots of porn on his phone (which he usually guarded like a loaded gun), lots of porn on our home computer linked to my husband. His biggest mistake was accidentally forgetting to log out of his ashleymadison account. I was devastated. He then started seeing a female psychic and they fell in love. They both admitted it, but told me they will just remain friends. My husband does not want a divorce. They said they have that "soul mate" feeling. My husband swears he has never touched another woman - hard to believe. The emotional affair/attachment he has with this other woman is painful beyond belief. I feel for you...its me again...isn't this cheatin??????

You say that your husband does not want a divorce. Other than this never having happened, what do you want? Not sure I could stay with someone who is in love with someone else but I have no idea what it's like to be with someone 32 years....but, it makes me angry on your behalf.