[Monica Bing]

We've been together for a year. A few months ago he told me that he feels physically inadequate for me, & thinks I never notice him. At first I didn't think it was a very serious insecurity so I told him I love his body & that I'm sorry if I didn't make him feel that way, but that I will. However, the problem didn't go away. He wouldn't believe me if I complimented him more often saying I'm only doing it because he told me he feels bad abt his appearance. He started saying he wants to cut himself & feels horrible that he's gained a lot of weight. He says he isn't able to believe me when I say I love how he looks. For a few months, he was blaming me for his hate towards his body - saying that it is because of me that he feels so ugly.

He's also been bringing up past problems & saying he can't believe me or trust me because I hurt him before. This really hurts me. He seems immature abt certain things. He gave me such a hard time over this. He would shout at me and say I ruined his life. The problems we've had aren't the kind of things people would break up a serious relationship over. He holds on to problems even after we've "resolved" them. He again blames me by saying the nature of my mistakes are such that he can never forget them. But I would've, if it was the other way around, I'm not being unfair.

For a few months he was very abusive towards me & kept changing his mind as to whether he wanted to be with me. He asked me to wait for 2 weeks & then told me he still couldn't trust me. I honestly never lied to him or cheat him in any way. Then when I started to think he was just giving me excuses to break up with me & he just wasn't into me anymore, he started explaining to me that he didn't blame me anymore for his issues.

He said that he was angry all this while & didn't think clearly - but that now, he doesn't blame me for how he feels abt his body, or for his inability to trust me. He admitted that he has some emotional turmoil, which if not there, wouldn't have led us to the level of breaking up. He said he felt insecure abt himself in every way and doubted his capacity to achieve his goals.

So we decided to take some time off to be single & focus on ourselves. He wanted to discover himself all over again. And then we would decide whether we wanted to be together or not. No promises. But he's been behaving like he wants me still & would come back when he's ready - that's what he keeps saying, but I tell him not to promise anything because he's not sure, and he won't be able to rediscover himself anyway unless he's single and has only himself as an individual to care abt.

He's also been texting and meeting me much less for the past few months, and said he was always tired. Now though, he gyms every day & doesn't complain of tiredness at all. I don't know if it's just that he didn't wanna talk to me or meet me before.

I don't know what to think exactly. Today some friend of his ex's, told me that he had been talking to his ex during our break up. I know I don't have a say in whether or not he talks to her, but we had agreed that if we decide to do something like this we'd tell each other. He was the one who even wanted this agreement in the first place - he wanted to be informed as to whether I'm in the company of someone I used to have feelings for. I will admit, I did ask him with a certain amt of irritation in my words, but he started shouting a lot - saying I never trusted him, that I always pry & poke & ask a million questions, that he's not my boyfriend anymore & I can't be rude to him. It's not like I was nosing into his business because he's the one who made sure we agreed on telling each other if we're talking to people we used to like or something like that. I really don't see why he'd shout that much. I asked him if he even loved me anymore & he said "if I'm with u again there's a high risk i'll get hurt". I apologized to him for asking more than once or in an irritated tone, but he shouted at me anyway.

He's been very abusive for these few months. But it took me only one apology to forgive him for it. I don't think it's fair that he stick on to old fights and keep blaming me even now - but I can't blame him since he says he wouldn't be doing this if he didn't have "issues". I asked him if he wanted to see a doctor but he didn't want to, he doesn't know why himself but he doesn't feel comfortable with it. I've taken him to my therapist once & he never came back. I go to my therapist for help with handling the terrible after-effects of my previous sexually, mentally abusive relationship - & my psychiatrist says my boyfriend isn't interested in me anymore & that I shouldn't waste my time.

But since he accepted that I'm not to blame for his problems & that he had issues that were making him unhappy, it doesn't seem like he's not interested right? Or does he just wanna avoid being blamed? Because he did say a fair few times not to tell many ppl what happened between us & got really angry when I did. But then again he comes & apologizes to me for treating me badly & says he wants to be with me & loves me, but that he needs time to sort things out. I don't know what's going on in his mind. I'm trying to keep my hopes down by insisting that he not promise - because then it'd be like I'm waiting for him & that really hurts. I also think it's impossible for us to be ourselves and be free & figure out what we want (this is what he wants for himself) if we don't feel committed to someone, restricted or having responsibility, in any way - you need to feel independent & single when you're in that place where you're figuring out what you want in life.

I don't know what to think -
Did he love me or did he not?
Is it understandable that he has issues to sort out and doesn't wanna be with someone?
Or is he just not interested anymore but wants to keep me on hold in case he changes his mind later?
If it's more likely that he has problems, does that justify the way he verbally & mentally abused me these months? Or can a person choose not to & express themselves differentlly?
What should I expect?

[RoseBee]

I am going to say what I've said before, this is an unhealthy relationship and since you are so unsure of what to do, there is a part of you that wants to leave but you are afraid of the pain and the unknown. Make a decision and you will end up happier, either way.

You can't let this go because it isn't the first time it's happened - you're looking for an answer to a bigger question. I think you know there isn't a future in it or any point to guessing his reasoning other than sussing out why you were attracted to someone like this again. You're worried what this means about you and what the consequences will be for your future. Stay with your current therapist and keep working on it. If you were genuinely concerned about losing someone you love i feel the end questions in particular would be of a more practical nature. Focus on you and what YOU want out of a relationship, if someone is worth your time you will know it.

[hamster-bamster]

I lived with a man who blamed me for many years and there is completely no good reason, none, zilch, to live with a person who thinks that you ruined his life.

The time you spend being puzzled over what seems to be inconsistent behavior and the general sense of inconsistency in him that one gets from reading your posts would be better spent... literally, doing ANYTHING else but analyze the inconsistencies in him. Just leave him and consider him a puzzle that you will never solve. Do it really matter if you move on and eventually get into other relationships whether you can then say that "Yes, I, Monica, was finally able to answer the question "What REALLY REALLY REALLY was going on in his admittedly weird mind?"

Further, you ask: "If it's more likely that he has problems, does that justify the way he verbally & mentally abused me these months?"

The answer to this question is completely irrelevant. The relevant part is that if someone abuses you, either because he is mean, or because some events of grandiose proportions happened to him in the past and affected a deep wound in his psyche that he is now trying to cover up with bandages, and those bandages just happen to be his abusing you verbally and mentally, then you stop letting the person abuse you by severing your connection with him.

[hamster-bamster]

PS So basically what you need to tell him is this:

"I ruined your life? I did not mean to, but if that is how you see it, then fine, let us just make sure I do not do even worse things to you, so let us part company asap. And, btw, no, you do not have any right to be informed of whom I choose to talk to."

[Perna]

It does not sound like your boyfriend is able or willing to take responsibility for himself and his actions. I would have to decide for myself what I wanted to do in relation to that; I probably would not stay, more painful and harmful to me than leaving and looking for another man who has better self esteem and treats himself and me well.