[uglyheroes]

i am new here and posting this in search of help. i am an emotional wreck right now so i apologize if my thoughts are all over the place. i know this will be long but i need to get this out.

let me start by saying that this was not your normal relationship by any stretch. due to dealing with depression and anxiety all of my teenage and adult life, i developed a dependance to alcohol and other drugs. after several years of alcohol abuse i finally put in the effort to get sober. the only problem is that i made one of the biggest mistakes you could make when getting sober - i jumped into a relationship.

i met a girl when i was a week sober. i knew it was a bad idea but i couldn't stop myself. i hadn't been in a relationship in over 5 years and i couldnt stand it anymore. i hated being alone. thats the biggest thing that kept me sick for a very long time. at this point i felt like i had nothing left. i only associated with other drinkers and users, so i had to cut them out of my life if i wanted to stay sober. i've done a heck of a job of alienating myself from my family over the years, i dont have a very good relationship with any of my family members. no friends, no family, nothing but feelings of being hopelessly alone. i used alcohol to fill that void for awhile, but now that i was in the process of getting sober, the void was empty and even bigger than ever.

so what did i do? i used this girl to fill that void. we started hanging out and things got very serious way too quickly. she was everything to me. i felt like she was all i had. she was the only person that could make me feel not so alone anymore. she kept me sober. i got attached - i depended on HER for my own emotional well being and happiness. only problem is that she herself was a drug user, and she tried to hide it from me. i knew, but i ignored it because if i came clean with myself i knew it meant i'd have to walk away from her. and i didn't have the strength to do that.

she would constantly ask me for money or rides to places to get drugs. i'm not proud of this but i provided these things for her, all the while i'm trying to hide the fact that i knew what was going on - which was very frustrating. i became addicted to her. she took the place of alcohol. i was high when i was with her and miserable when she wasn't around. she did a lot of things to hurt me over the course of our relationship and yet i kept coming back for more.

after 6 months of being with her i knew that our relationship was hopeless. i knew there was no way it was going to last, that she was not the one for me, but still i tried to milk it for everything it was worth. finally things came to a screeching halt. she came to stay at my house this weekend. friday night was great. i came home from work and we had an awesome time. everything was great. i felt so happy. then saturday night it all blew up. we got into the biggest fight we've ever had and she told me it was over and she stormed out of the house. she left me all alone again. i said some things that i know theres no coming back from. i reacted on emotion and not logic.

now i'm sitting here the day after and i cannot take this feeling anymore. i've been having suicidal thoughts. i can still smell her scent in my bed, on my couch, on one of my shirts i let her wear. i cant take the thought of knowing that shes gone forever, that she wont be here anymore to take my feelings of loneliness and hopelessness away. and now i'm fighting feelings of regret, i wish more than anything that i could go back to last night and do things differently.

she meant everything to me and now shes gone. i put her ahead of myself. i wasn't ready to take care of myself and put in the effort to improve my mental and emotional health now that i was sober. i didnt want to think about my problems, i realized if i'm too busy worrying about her and her baggage then i'm no longer thinking about my own.

i'm trying to find the silver lining in all of this. despite being in a toxic relationship, i've been sober for more than 6 months now and i'm still very sick. now that she won't be around i have no excuses to not work on myself. its now or never and i feel like i'm finally ready. i have to take the steps in order to make sure i no longer have to depend on another person for my own happiness. i'm not emotionally stable enough for a relationship. i HAVE to focus on myself.

as for tonight, knowing i can't be alone, i texted a friend i met through alcoholics anonymous and i'm going to go with him to an AA meeting. he's been there for me since i first started going to meetings. i know i now have to rely on the people and the resources that are available to me in order to get better. i can't isolate. i can't take this on alone. thats why i came here to post this, i don't really know what else to do as i don't have a very good support system at the moment. but that needs to change. so i just want to thank anyone who took the time to read this and for anyone that has any positive feedback.

Hello there

I don't have too long to write as I have a hospital apt shortly, but wanted to say hang in there. Please do not do anything rash over the next couple of weeks, allow yourself some time to adjust to the breakup. You sound very very clued up as to everything that has gone on, and very smart. Please keep being smart and understand what you're feeling now will calm down if you give it a chance. I am not saying it will not be still sore, but you'll be able to control it more.
And yes, it's less of a silver lining, more a huge big slab of silver in that cloud that you've been sober for 6 months, and keep hold of that! One day you will be in a good position to be with someone who is an equal, someone who you can be in a healthy relationship with, and also in time, you'll rebuild your life so you also have some more friends - all important for different reasons. As they say, one step at a time, keep going - you will get there.

Please be kind to yourself

Hugs.

[rise__above]

All I can say is that time helps. I have been through a few really terrible breakups, and they only get better with time. At first they're terrible, but it gets better.

[tinyrabbit]

Well, of course you're hurting. You're going through a huge loss and you're grieving. I'm not surprised it's hit you hard.

You're going through a grieving process. It won't feel like this forever.