[tamtam2013]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year 1/2 now. When it all began, everything was so perfect and we fell in love so fast. Our relationship was somewhat long distance because I was living in a dorm in college and he was back in our hometown. We saw each other maybe 2-3 a week. It was hard, but it made it exciting when I did get to see him.

About 5 months ago is when I think the anxiety started. He was coming up to see me at school and take me out to dinner and I was so excited. Except, things took a turn when we were at dinner. I randomly got this negative thought about not wanting to be with him anymore and I instantly couldn't eat my food, my heart was racing and my chest was sore. I couldn't believe I could ever question my relationship and love for my boyfriend.

Ever since that day, I've been a mess. Some days are better then others, but that day never leaves my mind. I can't stop thinking about why that happened and why I was having those negative thoughts. I'm still dealing with the negative thoughts and now they're more intense. It's like my mind will start to convince me that I don't want to be with him anymore and I don't love him.

This seems to happen mostly when we aren't together, but we spend just about everyday together. A lot of my friends have said we've become too dependent on each other and that we need to have separate friends/lives. And I do agree, but then the negative thoughts start up again and I question if we don't spend time together I will probably start to fall out love, we'll grow apart, we'll break up, etc.

I don't want to break up with him at all, but my mind keeps telling me otherwise. I want these thoughts and horrible feelings to go away. Anybody out there, help me. I need advice.

[tinyrabbit]

You know, it's normal, healthy and fine to have these feelings. This is some very black and white thinking you're doing. Questioning your feelings won't somehow spoil your relationship. Spending less time together and having outside interests is good as you need your own life. You won't fall out of love because you're not together 24/7, you'll probably be happier and more fulfilled and have stuff to talk about.

I think you might need to recognise that it's not all or nothing, that love doesn't have to be so all consuming and that's fine. Im married. I love my husband deeply. Chances of me spending all my time with him and not having my own life: zero.

[hamster-bamster]

You probably need to try the part of mindfulness that is called non-judgmental observation of your thoughts and feelings. People who know more about mindfulness will be more helpful.

[Leed]

Have you ever thought that you ARE quite young, and in my mind you're a bit young to be tying yourself down to one person while you're in college.

These should be fun years -- you should be dating, and and experiencing the world. You don't have to commit yourself to one person now. You're too young!

And the fact that you "fell in love" too fast might tell you something. You didn't even give yourselves a time to even KNOW each other. Knowing one another takes time -- it takes a lot of time, to know all the quirks and interests, and things they hate and things they like. You didn't have time to learn all that before you "fell in love."

And now you're questioning IF you're in love. Well. perhaps you're NOT. And there's nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you need time apart so you can find out what it is that you REALLY want.

Take 6 months apart -- and see if you still feel the same. If you do, then you'll know that you ARE in love. If he actually waits for you -- then you'll know he loves you too. It will be a GOOD test of this love. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by tamtam2013

I randomly got this negative thought about not wanting to be with him anymore and I instantly couldn't eat my food, my heart was racing and my chest was sore. I couldn't believe I could ever question my relationship and love for my boyfriend. [/FONT]

I would go with the advice you got from Lee and RELAX. Might not even need to physically split for 6 months but just RELAX.

And, as far as I understand, negative thoughts (that is more or less a term from cognitive behavior therapy, right?) are thoughts such as "I am worthless", "I am ugly", and "I do not deserve to live".

Thinking about not wanting to be with your boyfriend anymore is not a negative thought or a positive thought. It is just a thought.

Furthermore, it is generally advisable to question everything. Your relationships, your diagnoses, your values and commitments, etc. This is called critical thinking. Nothing bad about it.

From Wikipedia: "Critical thinking clarifies goals, examines assumptions, discerns hidden values, evaluates evidence, accomplishes actions, and assesses conclusions."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with clarifying goals, examining assumptions, etc. down the list.

[tamtam2013]

Originally Posted by Leed

Have you ever thought that you ARE quite young, and in my mind you're a bit young to be tying yourself down to one person while you're in college.

These should be fun years -- you should be dating, and and experiencing the world. You don't have to commit yourself to one person now. You're too young!

And the fact that you "fell in love" too fast might tell you something. You didn't even give yourselves a time to even KNOW each other. Knowing one another takes time -- it takes a lot of time, to know all the quirks and interests, and things they hate and things they like. You didn't have time to learn all that before you "fell in love."

And now you're questioning IF you're in love. Well. perhaps you're NOT. And there's nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you need time apart so you can find out what it is that you REALLY want.

Take 6 months apart -- and see if you still feel the same. If you do, then you'll know that you ARE in love. If he actually waits for you -- then you'll know he loves you too. It will be a GOOD test of this love. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

We are both young yes, but we didn't just meet and fall in love, we've been best friends for 4+ years now. Ironically, he wanted a relationship with me when we first became friends, I didn't want it and had zero interest in him. I feel like I already went through a little bit of a dating around stage, but none of them ended up being worth it. That's when I opened up my eyes and realized who's actually been the guy I always wanted to me, and realized it was him. (3 years later) so, we really knew a lot about each other already. Yes I said we fell in love fast, but by doing that we grew closer and learned more about each other. But that's the thing also, I DONT want to not to be him, but why do I question it? Thanks , have a good weekend

[springbabe514]

I have been experiencing the same thing as you! I have been dealing with this kind of anxiety since January. My boyfriend is the best thing to ever happen to me and everything that I have ever wanted! We are in college as well. We were friends first and I was hesitant about starting a relationship with him, but it turned out to be the best decision I ever made!
So here is my story, in January my boyfriend annoyed me (obviously a common thing in a relationship) he got upset that I was annoyed and said, "sorry I'm not a good boyfriend." Which upset me and is a total lie because the last two guys I was with are nothing compared to him! They were horrible dating experiences. SO when my current boyfriend said that it really upset me because since I've been with him I've been the happiest I have ever been. That night I had a bad dream of us and when I woke up I was happy it was just a dream. Later on I started to think about it though and was like the only reason why I had it was because of what happened last night. Then I started to think of the comment he said and I said to myself I don't want to deal with his insecurities maybe I should've stayed single, and thats when the anxiety started. Then I said if he says it again I'm going to scare him into not saying it and be like, if you're going to get insecure maybe we shouldn't be together. I completely lost it and just got hysterical. I thought all my thoughts were true, that it meant I didn't love him, if I didn't love him it meant I had to break up with him, If I broke up with him I couldn't see him and we would get hurt, if I couldn't see him I wouldn't be happy, if we weren't together everything that I thought of for us in the future wouldn't happen. I told my sister what was going on and she asked, do you not want to be with him? I told her of course because I have never been happier, but I got such anxiety when she said it and so upset and mad because I didn't expect that. That planted a seed into my head and made me over think everything! It sucks and I just want this pain to go away! I don't want anyone else. I want my future to be with my boyfriend. I get scared thinking maybe I will meet someone else. I wake up so numb and emotionless everyday and it gets my mind going. I'm always thinking and feeling negative. The thought of us breaking up gets me hysterical and I know that its not what I want. I feel like I'm going nuts. I hate that a stupid thought made me like this. Its been four months now. I hate when I realize I don't act as loving as I did (even when the anxiety first started) it gives me more anxiety. I hate how sometimes it feels like we're just friends. I pray every night that we can get through this and that my relationships lasts because I'd be so lost without my boyfriend!.

Have you gotten any better tamtam2013?

[springbabe514]

Originally Posted by tamtam2013

We are both young yes, but we didn't just meet and fall in love, we've been best friends for 4+ years now. Ironically, he wanted a relationship with me when we first became friends, I didn't want it and had zero interest in him. I feel like I already went through a little bit of a dating around stage, but none of them ended up being worth it. That's when I opened up my eyes and realized who's actually been the guy I always wanted to me, and realized it was him. (3 years later) so, we really knew a lot about each other already. Yes I said we fell in love fast, but by doing that we grew closer and learned more about each other. But that's the thing also, I DONT want to not to be him, but why do I question it? Thanks , have a good weekend

I'm going through the same and it sucks! But I feel like if we get anxiety over it, it means we do love our boyfriends! Anxiety is a fear, and I got it because I feared losing him. I just dwelled on every little thought and now I feel empty. I also hate when people say "you're too young" if people are ready at a certain age than they're ready. I let what people say get to me so even those words spike up my anxiety, but I'm like if you didn't love him you wouldn't get anxiety and it would be easy to walk away.

[tamtam2013]

Originally Posted by springbabe514

I have been experiencing the same thing as you! I have been dealing with this kind of anxiety since January. My boyfriend is the best thing to ever happen to me and everything that I have ever wanted! We are in college as well. We were friends first and I was hesitant about starting a relationship with him, but it turned out to be the best decision I ever made!
So here is my story, in January my boyfriend annoyed me (obviously a common thing in a relationship) he got upset that I was annoyed and said, "sorry I'm not a good boyfriend." Which upset me and is a total lie because the last two guys I was with are nothing compared to him! They were horrible dating experiences. SO when my current boyfriend said that it really upset me because since I've been with him I've been the happiest I have ever been. That night I had a bad dream of us and when I woke up I was happy it was just a dream. Later on I started to think about it though and was like the only reason why I had it was because of what happened last night. Then I started to think of the comment he said and I said to myself I don't want to deal with his insecurities maybe I should've stayed single, and thats when the anxiety started. Then I said if he says it again I'm going to scare him into not saying it and be like, if you're going to get insecure maybe we shouldn't be together. I completely lost it and just got hysterical. I thought all my thoughts were true, that it meant I didn't love him, if I didn't love him it meant I had to break up with him, If I broke up with him I couldn't see him and we would get hurt, if I couldn't see him I wouldn't be happy, if we weren't together everything that I thought of for us in the future wouldn't happen. I told my sister what was going on and she asked, do you not want to be with him? I told her of course because I have never been happier, but I got such anxiety when she said it and so upset and mad because I didn't expect that. That planted a seed into my head and made me over think everything! It sucks and I just want this pain to go away! I don't want anyone else. I want my future to be with my boyfriend. I get scared thinking maybe I will meet someone else. I wake up so numb and emotionless everyday and it gets my mind going. I'm always thinking and feeling negative. The thought of us breaking up gets me hysterical and I know that its not what I want. I feel like I'm going nuts. I hate that a stupid thought made me like this. Its been four months now. I hate when I realize I don't act as loving as I did (even when the anxiety first started) it gives me more anxiety. I hate how sometimes it feels like we're just friends. I pray every night that we can get through this and that my relationships lasts because I'd be so lost without my boyfriend!.

Have you gotten any better tamtam2013?

I hope you read my reply, but it's really relieving knowing others go through what I still am struggling with. This has been going on for me for 8 months and it basically comes and goes. When I start to think negative I'm screwed and I dig myself in and it's really hard to not think about it when it's bothering you. The best advice that I can give you that I've gotten from my friends is that you need to not dwell and look into little details so in depth and not take your boyfriend for granted. Because the same thing happened with my friend and her boyfriend and he got so annoyed he ended a 3 year relationship with her. No one understands it until it happens to them. I've gotten a lot better, but it's really hard sometimes, but I always tell myself that if I didn't truly love him I would leave,..then I think maybe I'm just too comfortable and that's why I don't leave, yet the thought of another guy and me makes me depressed. I know I want to be with my boyfriend I love him. Do you guys spend a lot of time together? If you do, try space it helps a little. Hope your doing okay and know your not alone, I wish this would go away too, I feel like it's changed me so much.

[SideCrow]

I had this also, but a wee bit different. My anxiety was present when he was gone and the thought of his return , not his return in general, but the moment he walked thru the door gave me panic. Maybe because I never knew when he would walked in, and I am easily startled. But I was also overly dependent on him. We're apart now and I struggle to harness my thoughts away and not have anxiety because he's not good for me, and yet I want to see him. Maybe forbidden fruit IS sweetest.

[springbabe514]

Originally Posted by tamtam2013

I hope you read my reply, but it's really relieving knowing others go through what I still am struggling with. This has been going on for me for 8 months and it basically comes and goes. When I start to think negative I'm screwed and I dig myself in and it's really hard to not think about it when it's bothering you. The best advice that I can give you that I've gotten from my friends is that you need to not dwell and look into little details so in depth and not take your boyfriend for granted. Because the same thing happened with my friend and her boyfriend and he got so annoyed he ended a 3 year relationship with her. No one understands it until it happens to them. I've gotten a lot better, but it's really hard sometimes, but I always tell myself that if I didn't truly love him I would leave,..then I think maybe I'm just too comfortable and that's why I don't leave, yet the thought of another guy and me makes me depressed. I know I want to be with my boyfriend I love him. Do you guys spend a lot of time together? If you do, try space it helps a little. Hope your doing okay and know your not alone, I wish this would go away too, I feel like it's changed me so much.

I've was doing better this past week, but I got anxious today and talked with my mom and she was putting stuff in my head. I'm always like what if thats whats happening?! blah blah. Even reading what you wrote about being comfortable with him spiked my anxiety. I love him so much and I know this happened because I love him so much. I just want this pain and emptiness to go away. I want my relationship back. We do see each other alot. Its hard for me to go a day without seeing him. I was never like that until the anxiety started. Hes been getting anxious too which has helped me because now he understands. I just hate this emptiness in my heart. Without him I'd be so miserable. Its been five months now

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by springbabe514

I've was doing better this past week, but I got anxious today and talked with my mom and she was putting stuff in my head. I'm always like what if thats whats happening?! blah blah. Even reading what you wrote about being comfortable with him spiked my anxiety. I love him so much and I know this happened because I love him so much. I just want this pain and emptiness to go away. I want my relationship back. We do see each other alot. Its hard for me to go a day without seeing him. I was never like that until the anxiety started. Hes been getting anxious too which has helped me because now he understands. I just hate this emptiness in my heart. Without him I'd be so miserable. Its been five months now

I think you need to, sort of, tone down the part about feelings/psychological stuff, and turn to positive ways of dealing with your anxiety in a purely physiological sense: sunlight, exercise, drinking lots of fluids, etc. It may very likely help, will most definitely not hurt, and might also distract you.

[tamtam2013]

Originally Posted by springbabe514

I've was doing better this past week, but I got anxious today and talked with my mom and she was putting stuff in my head. I'm always like what if thats whats happening?! blah blah. Even reading what you wrote about being comfortable with him spiked my anxiety. I love him so much and I know this happened because I love him so much. I just want this pain and emptiness to go away. I want my relationship back. We do see each other alot. Its hard for me to go a day without seeing him. I was never like that until the anxiety started. Hes been getting anxious too which has helped me because now he understands. I just hate this emptiness in my heart. Without him I'd be so miserable. Its been five months now

It's crazy because you sound exactly like me. Little things like saying your too comfortable spikes my anxiety too. So many things do. I agree with the comment that was posted after me, you need a hobby! At least that's what everyone told me. I joined a gym it helps. Try to avoid things that you know will spike your anxiety. For me, it's being alone because then my mind races. We do love our boyfriends and we love them so much and we've forgotten what life is like without them and thinking it scares us because we've built something so strong. Have you tried going on medication?