Bipolar lying/cheating

I just found out my girlfriend of many years has been having an affair for 4 months with someone she met at a bar. She has unregulated, poorly and inconsistently medicated BP which she still struggles to accept and undermines/self-medicates with alcohol. She is getting worse not better as she gets older. Her job was in jeaopardy during these past for months, as she has chosen partying and cheating, apparently, over her career. I am devastated by the realities I am facing currently re: her recent behavior, specifically due to the fact that it's not a random one night stand, but a 4 month affair. She denies it but I have enough evidence to know she has been lying to me for months. I understand BP may have made her go to bars/cross lines with impusivity, etc. - but I don't understand what BP has to do with lying to someone she says she loves more than anything (me). She has not seemed manic x the past 4 months, so how can this betrayal be legitimately attributed to BP? When I look back at texts, etc. I can see the premeditated nature of this, the planning literally that has gone into avoiding me and creating space for her to get her drink and God only knows what else on...Please advise...I appreciate all perspectives and am grateful for any insights offered

Do you want to stay in the relationship? If you do, you are going to have to forget this ever happened and move forward...don't let it haunt you. If you can't do that then separate and file for divorce now. She is in a tough spot, but you deserve respect and support, too.

If you want to stay, confront her and tell her point blank you don't believe her. Set your terms for reconciliation:

1) Couples therapy

2) She seek individual therapy

3) She finds the correct meds, gets them adjusted, and stays on them

4) Break off all communication with this other person.

5) Stop drinking and find a hobby.

If she is unwilling to accept any terms you set and you both can't negotiate a compromise, then I would do a trial separation for a month or so. You can find your head and she can find hers to figure out what you both want. Set a measurable goal for the separation though like : During this trial separation, I am going to _________________ and you are going to _____________.

If the goal isn't met or progress isn't made, then file. It is going to take two of you in this to fix it, if not, save a lot of time, heartache and grief. It sucks when you are the only one in the marriage willing to work on something and change...I speak to this from experience.

I know it feels like your world is crashing down around you right now and you are struggling to get through each minute without breaking down, but take it one deep breath at a time. Right now you need your logic and wits about you. It is scientifically proven that deep breathing brings more blood to your brain and helps you to regain your logical locus rather than your emotional one. I am not saying to deny your emotions all the time, but it also doesn't feel very good to be haunted by thoughts of betrayal all the time, either.

(This is his girlfriend not a wife, so no need for trial seperations and divorce issues) )

Bipolar can cause people to make poor decisions, But Bipolar can not be used an excuse to destroy trust .

I agree with Rosebee , Couples therapy could be helpful. And I think she needs Therapy on her own.

You have time invested with her ( years) Bipolar can cause stress in a relationship. You didn't state if you have confronted her about this.

My opinion as a person with Bipolar ... It is never an excuse to do whatever and whenever I want. If she isn't willing to be faithful to you , well, then you need to move on .

I am very sorry you are going through this.

As a bipolar individual I can see why she has done what she has. When I experience mania sometimes sexual promiscuity comes right along with it. I am able to control my actions and temptations, but some people are not as capable. It is definitely not an excuse for her to cheat and lie to you, but there is a reason as to why she is doing it. Mania can result in impulsive behaviors and very poor decision making. The only time to truly resolve the issue is after her episodes have subsided because she will most likely not be thinking clearly during her episodes. if you wish to continue the relationship I would suggest couples therapy like the other individuals who have replied to this post. Communication is going to be key when trying to resolve this. It will be hard to forgive her actions and even harder to forget them.

A premeditated affair that lasts for 4 months in the absence of acute mania, and one that is being denied in the face of clear written evidence, has nothing to do with bipolar whatsoever.

I can't thank each of you enough for your insightful and thoughtful comments - all are valuable to me, and I'm sincerely grateful for the gifts of your time and wisdom, as well as compassion and concern. Amazing things these forums! I'm new here, so I guess I'm especially appreciative. Also, I think this is the hardest (relationship) situation I've ever been through...so thanks.



I honestly don't believe anything like this has happened previously, due to several factors (living arrangement - we live separately currently for reasons too long to go into here). I have seen her getting progressively "worse" this past year...she's lost faith in meds etc. She has issues with self-acceptance + mid-life crisis I guess you could say...but none of the above appear to be helped in the least by therapy which she's been in for years. I know she frequently cancels appts and takes meds inconsistently, if at all....there were some stable albeit slumbering months when she was on Abilify and out by 7 each night...she was stable but incapacitated and gained weight so went off med. Since then, it's been a roller coaster...she's not got the right med cocktail, not even close. I gave up trying to facilitate/remind re meds...it made her defensive and hostile, and I don't want the caretaker role anyway.

So I'm really exhausted. And now this. By tracing her texts in my phone I can see a pattern over the past 4 months...those nights I sat at home worrying/praying she wouldn't commit suicide, it appears (based on other info I've received recently) that she's actually been out at bars making new friends (she admits to this) ...and one in particular who decided to call me the other week.

It's like a bad movie, but it's my life the past 3 weeks. It's devastating and humiliating, and insulting that my (former) partner still refuses to admit anything beyond going to bars and making friends, saying the person who called me is crazy etc. I know hypomania made her go out...but what made her continue to associate let's say with this particular person x 4 months while I'm home worrying, giving space/respect, praying, etc ...it just doesn't feel like BP. The person who mentioned the self-sabotaging behavior...that's very her...and very sad...she's literally lost her biggest cheerleader in me...9 years gone over 4 months...it's definitely not something I cannot overlook/get past. I don't feel I should have to: I've already sacrificed a "normal" life, worked around her moods, and done everything humanly possible for almost a decade to try and help her have a "happier" life. I'm truly exhausted, and now I feel deeply betrayed.

It's just hard after all these years for me to let go. It's many years and much love invested. But at the end of it all, I don't trust her.

Re: the other person, I honestly don't know how I will ever know if that's stopped completely as she claims it has...since we don't live together, it's impossible for me to know...and I can't live with that.

Re: expectations for reconcilliation, I can see her going to couples therapy, and her own, but again, there's currently no way for me to know re other behaviors due to living situation.

I still just don't know how much of this I can attribute to BP....I've been the first to excuse every other possible behavior because of her mental illness...I'm having a very hard time excusing this.

Thank you for ANY and all thoughts/input....all are GREATLY appreciated.