[Firefly780]

My boyfriends son (13)was recently found and confessed to sexually molesting his little brother (7)at his mother's home. With 2 boys of my own (12 and 6) I am afraid to continue my relationship with my boyfriend. My boys say that nothing ever happened with them. My boys father wants to keep my boys with him as he is understandably livid. My boyfriend tells me to just give it time and his son some help and everything will go back to the way they were before... I don't find that true. I will never be able to trust his son around children again. He will never be around my children again. That means no family pictures, family vacations, holidays, camping any of it. I just don't know if I should even stick around anymore. I love my boyfriend and his children but I feel like I would be punishing and giving up my own children to benefit his. Any advice would be great.

[Benetduncan]

This is a very difficult thing to deal with. Chilld abuse is truly something which brings out so many strong reactions and most of all knee-jerk reactions. It's very important to look beyond initial gut reactions, because they can be so destructive and unhelpful. You don't just have to consider your relationship with your boyfriend or the security of your children, but also the effect this could have on the 13 year old boy and his little brother. They are after all people who are in your family, no?

If you have to break it off, don't do it from a place of rage, disgust or fear, the situation is already difficult, full of strong emotions and damaging enough, especially for the 7 year old and his older brother, not to mention your partner. Your boys and your husband have not been harmed remember.

Consider the effect of this adult rage and disgust directed at a 13 year old (IMHO no one can be understandably livid in a situation like this involving two minors), who despite doing something terrible is still a child and needs help. There are many victims here. Is he in therapy? Is the 7 year old in therapy?

I don't know if I'm expressing myself properly, but this quote Martin Luther King quote on forgiveness might be of service:
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that."

Best of luck and keep your heart open.

[Kate King]

What a tough, tough awful situation for everyone, I am truly sorry. I will just offer some thoughts, but I don't think there is a right/wrong answer. I completely support whatever decision you make.

I wholeheartedly agree with Benetduncan first of all.

Also, this is a really sensitive time for everyone, and the hardest for both boys. I think therapy is essential for them both, and possibly the adults involved too. The older boy needs to know that he is loved. Yes, COMPLETELY wrong and in need of serious help, but still loved. He needs to know that he is not a lost cause, that there was a reason for his actions (does not ever make what he did right or flippant), but that there was something more to what he was outwardly expressing. I do not believe that he is a lost cause and it is important for him to know that he has support in getting help, that this does not have to ruin his whole life. he does not have to resign to the fact that he will forever be a molester or at least viewed and treated as a molester. With that said, I think that there absolutely without a doubt have to be consequences and proactive steps to not have this happen again, to his brother or anyone else for that matter. I would have therapy be mandatory. I would also set up house rules- he is not allowed to be alone with anyone- an authority figure must always be in the house. Also, I would establish an open door policy in the home- doors must be opened at all times (unless dressing), at all times.
The present situation you all find yourselves in is the most critical for everyone. I believe that no matter what happened, he is still worth saving, but his actions are not just to be swept under the rug. They must be dealt with severely and proactively, but in his best interest and with love. Unhealthy anger (rage) will only make things worse for everyone. The younger brother MUST be validated too, so that he knows that what was done to him was absolutely inappropriate and that it will be dealt with.

I could be way out of line with all of that, but I believe that someone is ever past the point of saving, especially someone at his age. Proactive help and boundaries must be established however, but he must still be loved and his positive qualities and actions must still be praised. I don't know, with what I said, take it or leave it I guess.

P.S., I was sexually violated by a neighbor boy 6 years older than me, and he was just written off as someone completely evil. He was not dealt with in love and was completely labeled (not by my parents, they did not know about the abuse until just a few years ago (I am not 28) but by others). He has thrown his life away: drugs, in and out of jail, and he has gone on to molest countless women, all because he never received the help and love that he needed). All that to say, I have been there, so I feel like I have something based on my experience.

[Kate King]

Sorry for the novel there! I didn't know it was that long, I hope that wasn't too much to handle

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by Firefly780

My boyfriends son (13)was recently found and confessed to sexually molesting his little brother (7)at his mother's home. With 2 boys of my own (12 and 6) I am afraid to continue my relationship with my boyfriend. My boys say that nothing ever happened with them. My boys father wants to keep my boys with him as he is understandably livid. My boyfriend tells me to just give it time and his son some help and everything will go back to the way they were before... I don't find that true. I will never be able to trust his son around children again. He will never be around my children again. That means no family pictures, family vacations, holidays, camping any of it. I just don't know if I should even stick around anymore. I love my boyfriend and his children but I feel like I would be punishing and giving up my own children to benefit his. Any advice would be great.

You are coming from a place of protective motherhood. Give it time.

My cousin was molested for years by a boy whose mother was dating my cousins father. She started acting out and was sent to live with an aunt and uncle. It was only discovered that my cousin was molested when she molested my younger cousin. She was then sent to foster care and written off. She was passed from home to home and just got lost. I was too young to take her and take care of her at the time, as we are close in age. I think if, instead of sending her away to foster care, therapy was offered and she had a loving and supporting home, the behavior would have stopped.

I think the boys need therapy...all of them. You and your boyfriend should go to therapy if the relationship is that serious so you can work through your trust issues. As hard as it is, don't hate the 13 year old just yet. He's 13 and the hormones at that age make you do crazy, crazy things. He should be held accountable and taught other behavior, but shouldn't be written off as a pedophile.