[CatWoman13]

Hey Everyone!
I just found this place after reading some articles about the "people Pleasing" personality.

I've been in a dating relationship with a man who is separated & will soon be divorced. We are taking things slow. He has been seeing a counselor to deal with some issues: His 1st marriage ended when he found his wife cheating, his 2nd ended when he & wife #2 were getting on again off again counseling & one day he got home from work & she told him she wanted a divorce.

He has told me, thru recent counseling, that his therapist has determined wife #2 probably was bi-polar, which could be since he told me she sometimes would take her meds for depression & sometimes wouldn't.

So now to the problem: He has told me that he tried to please wife #2 however he could; Every year he'd fly her to MI to visit her best friend, he took in her daughter & their pets, all as his own, etc. And he has told me he tried to do everything he could for her, I think he even said he called himself a people pleaser (but don't quote me on that).

We've been seeing each other for about 2 months; he lives about 30 mins away so we maybe get together 1 evening a week & then do something together on a weekend day.

The problem for me is that when I initiate a possible visit to see him, I will ask if he would like me to come up there on a certain day or evening & his usual response is "It's up to you." When I've asked him to decide he replies with something like "If you want to." That causes me to get a little upset because it seems as if he doesn't care one way or another. Then he says, "I don't want to be controlling."

Last night we were texting back & forth & had already kind of set getting together this evening (done a couple days ago). To confirm it I sent a text asking "Are you still expecting me up there after work?" And his reply was "Up to you." Then when I sent a text back asking "Would you like if I came up there tomorrow after work?" and his response was "I said up to you."
I then sent a text back stating that since it seemed to me he didn't care one way or another if we saw each other, I would wait for him to make the move.

Well that opened a can of worms. He feels he's controlling if he expresses that he'd like to see me (my take on it) & in turn that makes me feel like he doesn't care if he sees me or not.

So I was reading up on "people pleasers" trying to find info about it & also what I can do or say to help him & also help me.

Anyone else been in a relationship with someone like that?
He's a very nice man, we get along together great aside from that.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I can be the best friend for him, especially while he is going through these issues.

[gayleggg]

I would suggest couples counseling. He is not likely to change his behavior, but with help he may be able to be a little more assertive. And you will have to get a little tougher and not be hurt so easily by is passivity. It's going to take two of you working on this.

[Bobbarita]

Here's my view of the situation. He is non-committal. Not a people pleaser. I just ended a relationship with a "very nice" man, respected, well-known, etc. who was emotionally unavailable. Always "on the fence" if I suggested something. Like you, I became annoyed. After this happened more than a few times and I called him on it, his response was that he "didn't know what was wrong with me...why I had to create 'so much drama'..., etc. In other words, he twisted everything around to me, and made it my fault. I recalled that he had done this before in a less obvious way. At the time we were texting, then PMing on FB. I lost it. This man had no recognition, respect, or sensitivity to my needs. I wrote him a not so nice short PM ending with "if you see me in public, act civil as I will to you". GOOD BYE.

Since then he has tried to contact me by text and FB 3x. I don't reply. I knew him for 6 months. In the end I told him he was not my friend. None of my friends would act that way to me---what would make him any different? Sometimes it is better to sever the ties completely to protect yourself.

That line about Wife #2 being diagnosed bi-polar by HIS therapist is more than questionable. (Another example of how HE wasn't at fault, his wife was "probably bi-polar.") Wife #1 was cheating according to him. Do you know his history?

It wasn't until after I filed for divorce that I became FB friends with his ex. She said she wished she could have spoken to me 20 years ago! When we began communicating I learned she had experienced the SAME BEHAVIOR from him and divorced him for the same reason(s) as I have.

I don't buy the "control" issue either. If non-committal answers were the answer to control issues, he missed something BIG in that therapy session. It's his way of frustrating you. And in my opinion, it's just another way to say he doesn't give a s*** about you. "You can come, or you can go...Whatever you decide is OK with me...It's not affecting me one way or the other...You can do what you want..." (My quotes). What kind of a partner, what kind of a friend would exhibit such un-empathetic and "I couldn't care less" talk and attitude?

Men like this don't deserve your caring, empathy, commitment, or friendship. Don't waste your time. Cut him off and get busy making new friends and meeting people. There are people who will like you and treat you with the kindness and respect you deserve.

[Bobbarita]

My bad. Paragraph #4 in my reply I am speaking of my soon to be ex- husband's ex-wife (marriage #1). Still, proof that a leopard doesn't change spots no matter how hard you wish they would...

OR...he could have very low self-esteem because of previous experiences and is afraid to have an opinion or expressing his needs and desires because maybe he's felt that they've never even mattered.

I would act similarly, but because my opinion and needs are not important so my response IS, "If YOU want to." or "Up to you." Good to know that makes me a horrible, evil person in the opinion of other people.

[oldlife_disrupted]

It speaks volumes about you that you're concerned about this behaviour rather than taking advantage of it...lucky man

I was unfortunately like this as well (and still am to be honest, but working on it). I suggest getting a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It isn't about helping people be mean, it's helping people be nice from a healthy perspective rather than low self esteem.

[healingme4me]

^^^^and from another angle, on this book theme, I really liked 'No More Christian Nice Girl.' (for the 'nice gals, out there)

The 'up to you' statements, are something he could resolve in therapy. Learning to be assertive and in touch with his feelings, desires, etc.

Originally Posted by Bobbarita

Here's my view of the situation. He is non-committal. Not a people pleaser. I just ended a relationship with a "very nice" man, respected, well-known, etc. who was emotionally unavailable. Always "on the fence" if I suggested something. Like you, I became annoyed. After this happened more than a few times and I called him on it, his response was that he "didn't know what was wrong with me...why I had to create 'so much drama'..., etc. In other words, he twisted everything around to me, and made it my fault. I recalled that he had done this before in a less obvious way. At the time we were texting, then PMing on FB. I lost it. This man had no recognition, respect, or sensitivity to my needs. I wrote him a not so nice short PM ending with "if you see me in public, act civil as I will to you". GOOD BYE.

Since then he has tried to contact me by text and FB 3x. I don't reply. I knew him for 6 months. In the end I told him he was not my friend. None of my friends would act that way to me---what would make him any different? Sometimes it is better to sever the ties completely to protect yourself.

That line about Wife #2 being diagnosed bi-polar by HIS therapist is more than questionable. (Another example of how HE wasn't at fault, his wife was "probably bi-polar.") Wife #1 was cheating according to him. Do you know his history?

It wasn't until after I filed for divorce that I became FB friends with his ex. She said she wished she could have spoken to me 20 years ago! When we began communicating I learned she had experienced the SAME BEHAVIOR from him and divorced him for the same reason(s) as I have.

I don't buy the "control" issue either. If non-committal answers were the answer to control issues, he missed something BIG in that therapy session. It's his way of frustrating you. And in my opinion, it's just another way to say he doesn't give a s*** about you. "You can come, or you can go...Whatever you decide is OK with me...It's not affecting me one way or the other...You can do what you want..." (My quotes). What kind of a partner, what kind of a friend would exhibit such un-empathetic and "I couldn't care less" talk and attitude?

Men like this don't deserve your caring, empathy, commitment, or friendship. Don't waste your time. Cut him off and get busy making new friends and meeting people. There are people who will like you and treat you with the kindness and respect you deserve.

wow. that is quite telling of your easily judgemental atttitude How can you judge by the short synopsis of this couple all that about the man who has no say in the perspective whatsoever? That he doesn't give asht is a very big jump.

No I'm of the thought that, true that may be the case but we just don't have enough information to go on to say that he really doesn't give a sht. She may be onto something about avoiding control.

Wow.

First thing I see is that this thread seems to be pointing at a glaring problem. You're not happy with the way he is. Without judging whether what he is doing is normal or not, I'd stop and ask yourself, is this the type of man I want to be with? I say this purely for the reason that making the other person fit our ideal is never a good idea, in any relationship. Especially not one that is not necessarily permanent like a marriage is (ideally)

You have two choices, you can acommodate him and just learn to enjoy waht it is you like about him or you can find someone that fits your ideals as a mate better. Either way you have to be with someone you're willing to accept as they are.