[CarlyleR]

I'll try to keep this concise and try to make a balance fair view of my relationship.

Basically, I am not too sure whether my bf has cheated on me.

- I found some photos on his laptop (it was stored in like a 'Temporary' folder of the computer; he did not keep it).
- Photos were pictures of a girl practically naked.
- I spoke to my boyfriend about the photos and he claims that it was his friend ("A") that sent it to them. The photos were taken during his work trip overseas, which he previously told me he was going only with his boss.
He said, that A (bosses' son) came as he was in the neighbouring city along with the girl during that weekend just to hang out.
- The girl, was a friend he met long before we were together. He was introduced to her by A.
- My boyfriend has occasionally chatted with the girl over the years, (they lived in different countries) and she shares her relationship issues with him. (i.e. Her broken engagements and etc)
- He also admitted that she probably has a soft-spot / likes him. I discovered this as I brought up about some little present given to him (during that work trip) with a little note giving him 'affectionate names' and the girl expressing that she hoped to visit her country with him one day. He admitted there there were casual exchanges of names / flirtation in their conversations. (More on this flirtation side below).
- He claims that she was aware of me. So was A & his boss. (Implying they wouldn't encourage such behaviour)
- He claims it was a one sided thing.

Post-discovery of this, we had numerous discussions throughout that day and that week to sort things out. Here's a jist of it :
1) I confess I look through my boyfriend's stuff. I know it is disrespectful and I'm trying to be a better person.
I know it shouldn't be an excuse but I do this because I grew up with a cheating and abusive father. I've observed and probably accumulated a few undesirable traits which I'm trying to not make it a permanent habit now.
- Essentially, I'm rather paranoid and I do not trust most men.

2) The boyfriend is well aware of me looking through his stuff and has continued to allow me to because he has hopes that one day I will stop.
- He talked to me about his odd habits of deleting messages and history as he was cheated on in his previous relationship, have had relationships where the girls would look through his stuff and question him of his whereabouts and etc. Hence, he has grown to be more careful and made a habit out of all this.
- He is also well aware of my insecurities and trust issues which he felt that he needed to make sure that I feel safe from him by deleting and not leave suggestive stuff for me to worry about.

3) I thought about the period when that photo was taken, and it was just when I moved back to this city (we previously were in a long distance) and he never wanted to live with anyone until he met me. So he was adjusting to the fact of living with someone and sharing a space; some job uncertainty issues and our relationship was different as we saw each other every day now (climatising ourselves) and probably have disagreements here and there - but we worked through them.
- He admitted that he use to have casual chats with his friends / girls from his past (that he once like / they liked him) and flirted. He maintains that nothing went beyond that. He said that he guessed he was scared at times about us and that he thought that if he kept this part of him to himself, and if we fail; he would still be able to go back to his life before us.

Upon discovery, things that have transpired from this discussion :
1) He said : He would never cheat on me. He would never do anything to hurt me in this way.
He understands that it'll take time for me to shake off such an image in my head and learning to trust him. He said he's not going anywhere.
He wants me to slowly not be suspicious, and I've been making efforts to not invade into his privacy. (I'm trying to tell myself, if it's going to happen it will happen and karma exists. That I should focus on improving myself)

2) He realised that he should trust in me more that I am capable of understanding and have took time to learn about him on my terms rather than listening to rumour-mongering / friends telling me about his past.
He said that there would be no more secrets / hiding. Ie. If he was talking to a girl, he would just do it openly, if he knew a girl had a thing for him, he would share it with me.
- He has also since deleted all contacts of his 'past flirtations' and the like. He did this on his own accord (which I've protested because I didn't want him to erase entirely of what he was and I felt it was just too much).

3) He was rather upset and broke down when I told him how I thought that I caused him to react in 'flirting' and allowing other girls to be close to him.
He felt really sad (and tried to hold back his tears - a guy who has stop crying for many many years ) that I felt that way and said I should never feel that I was a cause of his actions. He never wanted me to feel or ever feel that way.
- He said that he was scared but realised, he has to break free from his past and that if we were to get married and not work out, he said that he would never do it again. (This part made me a a bit more positive again and hope)

What I need help on:
- From all of this discussion, I want to shake away this memory, bury it and move on.
- I have hope and believe in this relationship.
- I want to be more positive and less cynical.
- I want to learn to trust.
*I portray a strong person from the outside, but I'm actually a wreck inside.

Thank you all for reading this. I hope you've not been bored and rolled your eyes too much.

[hamster-bamster]

It sounds promising - since he is crying (which is out of character for him), he is being genuine. "He said he's not going anywhere," - is a very good way to put it. Much much better than "I won't cheat on you". If he is capable of saying it so simply - that he is not going anywhere - he means it. It is powerful, straightforward, direct language. Very nice.

So to the extent that you both seem to want to have a sexually exclusive marriage, you seem to be in accord and on the right track.

For you - stick to the idea that if it is going to happen, it will happen, and you will deal with it when it happens but not worry before it happens.

Don't work so hard on improving yourself - enjoy life, and you will improve yourself naturally without so much conscious effort.

Do not portray a strong person quite as much; let him know how you feel on the inside. At least a bit, OK? I am not saying that you should necessarily just go ahead and reveal all your vulnerability, but at least to try to stay a bit truer to yourself.

Do not try to shake away the memory; rather, try the opposite, paradoxical approach - think through this memory, relive it, replay it in your mind, etc. Build tolerance; desensitize yourself to the memory. Plus, anytime you decide not to think about purple flying monkeys, you will only think about purple flying monkeys non-stop, so you might as well decide to think about purple flying monkeys!

[CarlyleR]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

It sounds promising - since he is crying (which is out of character for him), he is being genuine. "He said he's not going anywhere," - is a very good way to put it. Much much better than "I won't cheat on you". If he is capable of saying it so simply - that he is not going anywhere - he means it. It is powerful, straightforward, direct language. Very nice.

So to the extent that you both seem to want to have a sexually exclusive marriage, you seem to be in accord and on the right track.

For you - stick to the idea that if it is going to happen, it will happen, and you will deal with it when it happens but not worry before it happens.

Don't work so hard on improving yourself - enjoy life, and you will improve yourself naturally without so much conscious effort.

Do not portray a strong person quite as much; let him know how you feel on the inside. At least a bit, OK? I am not saying that you should necessarily just go ahead and reveal all your vulnerability, but at least to try to stay a bit truer to yourself.

Do not try to shake away the memory; rather, try the opposite, paradoxical approach - think through this memory, relive it, replay it in your mind, etc. Build tolerance; desensitize yourself to the memory. Plus, anytime you decide not to think about purple flying monkeys, you will only think about purple flying monkeys non-stop, so you might as well decide to think about purple flying monkeys!

Thank you so much Hamster! Gosh. You are quite right. I should try to just live a little and not over worry! You just made my day. Really. BIG BIG HUGS.